Just want my H back

[talia]

HHH,

I'm glad you are sounds much stronger. Please don't take anything I said personally, it wasn't meant to be. My hope is to help you think through things more than you are at the time you posted, which it seems you have. (Whether that was from me or not). I hope your lows level out, I'm sure its a tough ride.

I'm glad you saw a L - that's very important. I was worried you were going to just sign the papers! I'm sure whatever happens you will make the best of it.

Thanks for checking out my thread. Its definately a wave of emotions when I have to decide what is actually in my best interests.

Good luck with the move!! I'm sure it will be a great situation for you. I'm glad you will be looking into IC - I think its worth it for everyone! Its funny you want to go with your mom - I bet most of us could benefit from some "joint" counseling with our moms!

I'm looking forward to hearing what the L says, I'm doing the same thing this week myself...

Talia

[GoBison]

hhh,

Before you go talk to your h I would look into what your taxes would be if you filed separate from him. You may be getting more of a refund for yourself if you file "Married filing separate". Especially if he makes more than you. Just a thought

[avermont]

HHH, just trying to catch up on your sitch.

You are moving across the country? Do you have friends, family, support there? What in terms of friends, support would you be leaving?

I ask because I, too, could say--no kids, no X, no house--go for it! But I haven't wanted anything other than what I had for 20 years...not longing for the southwest, or another job, or anything. OK, Western powder would be nice.

What is your new dream that you are pursuing? When will the D be final?

I, too, would have been happy to leave road smooth--not that I am dreaming or thinking at all of an R--but I'm afraid the house will just tear that all to pieces.

Tell me your new plan--get me excited to think of new things for myself!

Good luck with whatever meet-up you have with H. You will just project the very best YOU.

[pearlharbr]

hhh, glad you're sounding better.

Just a thought on the mom sitch...I have always had issues with my mom. We have never been close, probably because we have similar temperaments. I was a bit apprehensive when I moved back to Seattle from SF because we would be 20 minutes apart. But I limited my contact to the phone and really only saw my parents a few times a year. Now I know that's terrible to some people but it worked for me. I just wanted to point out that you can have and enforce boundaries even if you're living in close proximity.

[hhh]

Hi guys,
So session went well w L today. Confirmed what I already thought but it was a good guy check on what is worth/not fighting for, realistic expectations and the process itself (plus giving me all the forms I needed). Wonderful guy, very highly regarded firm here. Said no real right to alimony or future earnings (didn't think so) given length of M, no kids, no fault state, etc..and even past rent paid is really marital assests and not worth fighting for (I wouldnt anyway). I have way more saving than H and he still has debt, so he thought very honestly (and this has been reiterated by 2 other L's spoke with) walking away each with what is our own is best/most fair/rationale approach. If I can get some tuition money back, great...but he did say think about if it's worth paying $X to get $X+ bit back (NOT huge delta here at all). In the scheme this is not a huge amount; I will ask him back for myself first (a la talia's suggestion - don;t think this necessarily needs to be contentious or legal, since he has brought it up himself before).

He said my D would be quite simple and best route to go is joint filing. I'm going to address the tuition stuff w H and based on his response go or not go down that route. It truly may not be worth it in the end. L was very practical and honest, I felt comfortable w him and know he had my best interest in mind. We talked through several different scenarios and there are cases H could make as well, so he agreed that if we could walk away w our own assets as is, that would be the most just/win (plus asking school $ as part of, which I plan to...but if it's going to cost me a lot to get this not-huge amount back, I may let it go since I am keeping all furniture/wedding gifts, etc).

But it assuaged any concerns that I was leaving anything on the table and I'm glad I met with him. It made me feel more comfortable about what is rightfully mine and what should just be let go of/split. My salary is also still a but higher than H. His earning potential is likely greater, but future rights do not really play out in this state given our M details. So some of this 'princple' and 'emotion' stuff I think I need to let go..yes the principle of I helped him a bit and now wish I could cut back, etc... but it's not a fight/case I could win, and this is where the emotional needs to be separated from the legal and practical. If we end this M with me keeping what's mine and he his, I'm still in a good place financially.

Nonetheless, peace of mind in doing it. I will continue to work on myself and small goals/progress in that H and I seem to be more civil these days. He ends his emails w jokes and a smiley face...haven't gotten that in quite awhile. As Talia said awhile back, it need not be a contact sport. But it's still hard to file when you don't want it. However at this point, guys, I don't think I have a choice. I don't think I can 'fight this D' anymore if he's bent on it. I think we can hopefully just try to be civil and kind and peaceful throughout this process. That would be the best route regardless of outcome, right?

He invited me to lunch on Saturday, and I plan to go. He may very well bring up stuff and while I'll try to keep it light and upbeat, I think the basics should be discussed. I don't plan to bring up myself, but if he does I think I should just go along w it, discuss business as needed, and see if we can agree on things as much as possible on our own. I had 3 friends also in this state who did this very similarly, 1 used a mediator, others agreed and it was civil/simple. If H gives me hard time for any reason, I know I have relationship w L to turn to in case. How do you DB at this stage when D is imminent? Hard to go along when you don't want to but I've come to accept this is where we are. So I don't think fighting it or getting nasty (I will stand my ground as needed) is appropriate at this stage.

So I hope I can keep up the progress and not backslide too much. I still have some moments of yikes! with all the upcoming changes in my life, but am trying to envision the positive and exciting unknown. I know we will all make it through this. It is sad to see your love slip away...and I think waves of mourning and grief will still come from time to time. Sometimes you need to hit a little feeling of bottom to then say, 'ok, time to get back up and charge on!' I guess.

And the mom stuff...ugh, it's all about boundaries. I love her and want a relationship w her but we just seem to bat heads! She's always pointing out what I'm doing wrong but rarely looks into the mirror herself. I agree w you Pearl when I don't call home that much, it's better...we do want a relationship w each other but I feel so awful after we fight. She just kept bringing up past issues and fights we've had which pisses me off... and she can't seem to recognize her role or address her own behavior. I need to practice acceptance and letting go w her too I think, just wish she would practice what she preaches and not put it all on me, esp not now.

Anyways, enough of all that. Hope you guys are doing well and having a good day. It's cold but at least sunny here!
Take care,
hhh

[hhh]

Aver-
never fully responded to you. I plan to move back to SF (where I am from) mid-March. I have a ton of my oldest friends there (we're talking preschool, grade, high school) plus college and work. Huge support network. Yoga/bay area/zen lifestyle which is really more me (i've always thought of holistic health in the future). Company just opened office there too...so makes sense. In my head I know it's right thing to do. But I am still letting go/sorta sad about leaving east coast, but KNOW it's the right call, which is reassuring. When I was home for Xmas I was set up 3 times, so at least I feel like there might be prospects out there! I've been joking w GF's...where oh where is my next OM (when I'm ready...) perhaps under Pier 39, Ghiradelli square..who knows.. but I often feel more balanced out there and it's where I ultimately wanted to settle down, eventually.

Whenever I get sad about current sitch I try to replace those thoughts w excitement about SF. I've already committed to cooking and dance classes w friends there, and signed up to volunteer on a refugee committee. I'll deal w the work changes once I'm out there to see if I can try something less-travel, but same company and they've been great to me throughout this process (knowing what I'm going through). The day I told my boss about my impending D he bought me a spa day at a hotel...so I feel very fortunate to have such loyal company/colleagues (more loyal than H for sure!)

Aver - are you thinking of moving out of your house? Moving locations. Where do you live again? In my travels I'd love to visit you at some point..

Good luck on what you are dealing w. My lawyer session was empowering and glad I went but sitch a little different than others given laws here, assets we each have (separately) etc. However I came out feeling very glad I went, and I have as backup if needed.

(((Aver))))
-hhh

[pearlharbr]

Come on hhh, you know there are many good looking men in SF. I saw several on my last trip.

[25yearsmlc]

Aver-
never fully responded to you. I plan to move back to SF (where I am from) mid-March. I have a ton of my oldest friends there (we're talking preschool, grade, high school) plus college and work. Huge support network. Yoga/bay area/zen lifestyle which is really more me (i've always thought of holistic health in the future). Company just opened office there too...so makes sense. In my head I know it's right thing to do. But I am still letting go/sorta sad about leaving east coast, but KNOW it's the right call, which is reassuring. When I was home for Xmas I was set up 3 times, so at least I feel like there might be prospects out there! I've been joking w GF's...where oh where is my next OM (when I'm ready...) perhaps under Pier 39, Ghiradelli square..who knows.. but I often feel more balanced out there and it's where I ultimately wanted to settle down, eventually.

Whenever I get sad about current sitch I try to replace those thoughts w excitement about SF. I've already committed to cooking and dance classes w friends there, and signed up to volunteer on a refugee committee. I'll deal w the work changes once I'm out there to see if I can try something less-travel, but same company and they've been great to me throughout this process (knowing what I'm going through). The day I told my boss about my impending D he bought me a spa day at a hotel...so I feel very fortunate to have such loyal company/colleagues (more loyal than H for sure!)

Aver - are you thinking of moving out of your house? Moving locations. Where do you live again? In my travels I'd love to visit you at some point..

Good luck on what you are dealing w. My lawyer session was empowering and glad I went but sitch a little different than others given laws here, assets we each have (separately) etc. However I came out feeling very glad I went, and I have as backup if needed.

(((Aver))))
-hhh

GREAT GAL STUFF!! WAY TO GO!! shoot, I'm jealous. I LOVE SF!!

Good work, really.
J-

[Onthemountaintop]

but I often feel more balanced out there and it's where I ultimately wanted to settle down, eventually.
...
The day I told my boss about my impending D he bought me a spa day at a hotel

There's the hard decision - leave and get the mountains and fresh(er) air, make the memories of great times with your H memories to cherish, but lose the boss that gives free days at the spa~

I'm just a guy, but any time a boss gives gifts like that, you know you're in good company regardless of where you go!

God willing, you will enjoy the excitement of something new and fresh, regardless of where it takes you, hhh, with or without your H.

[hhh]

Thanks guys! Guess I'm needing a little encouragement and to keep my attutude in the right place. I often wake up mornings here in my cozy bed w/ my little set-up home office (even though that was our apt previously, it feels like mine now and i've been quite comfy here). I like being on my own too sometimes - more anonymous in some ways than home/SF w mom/fam friends all in my business (will do the boundardies).

Letting go can be hard sometimes. I remember when I first moved in w H and left all my friends in NYC and I was SO missing them and my old life there...but I think I've become more adept at change as I've gotten older. When I run I often repeat in my head: 'can't embrace the new unless you let go of old' over and over. pave the way for what's to come.

Read the Tough Love book. Seeing H for lunch tomorrow. Trying to project my best self and be strong as much as possible - wish me luck. The L session was great help yesterday..was reading back over old posts and Pearl/25 you said just do a consult and then you can decide what best path to take, and I feel more confident about that now. Likely not bring anything up tomorrow but if he does -talking paperwork/splitting stuff- I will calmly mention what he had agreed to last spring in terms of tuituin reimb. I hope we can keep this civil. If not, I have L either way. At this stage, best to just agree w H on D (while also projecting my best self as much as possible), don't you think? Last time I resisted it did not yeild results.

I really liked what you said awhile back Pearl (I still can't figure out how to do the captions! duh..) "just project great thoughts about your new life and that it is going to be fabulous" Thanks for the boost - I really need to believe this wholeheartedly as face this. and yes, there are some cuties in sf;) I still need to keep letting go of h as be-all-end-all...for months I think there are so many fish in the sea and then I have these tender moments of what we once had..