Someone at work here just suggested something. A full on confrontation. He suggested telling her how rediculous she is being and making a move on her sexually and see if that triggers something. If it does not, if she gets angry or anything else, then take action like telling her I will call a L and start the D myself or something like that. I gotta be honest, it sounds good. I'm tired of this, and I'm not just talking about sexually. This waiting, this leaving the house to avoid her, then walking on eggshells when I am around her. He says bring it all up to her, how I have been suffering through this, bending over for her, putting my life on hold while she tries to figure out if she is happy or not, or what she wants. I know this is a bad idea and I won't do it. But for crimaney's sake, it is bloody frustrating.
Again venting...
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I wouldn't respond with any words, actions will work better!
If I was you I would make plans that night for you to do something, and I would leave the house before she does all dressed up wearing cologne, and looking good. Go buy yourself a new outfit to wear, and even if it's too late to make plans with some friends, you could always go to a movie. I would also make sure you don't come home until you know she is back from the concert. Leave before her and come home after she does, maybe not right after her, but a little while later. Let her see that it doesn't bother you, and that you had plans already.
me 34 W 37 three kids 9 13 17 married 14 years together 15 well the bomb has been dropped a few times most recent was early June
Orich, I don't think you are emotionally ready or have the communication skills neccesary to have a productive confrontation. I understand your frustration and how it seems like it will never end. Your current sitch is not permanent. Don't you have a Retro date to look forward to? All of your Deacon formation experience is something you should draw on now. Read up on boundaries this is the antidote to walking on eggshells. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I do have the retro. I am falling back on my deacon training. Truly. I have dug out some old prayers, and plan on taking a trip very soon to the seminary where I used to feel God's presence very strongly. I guess she is just waiting for retro herself. I don't know why i expected anything from her. Once I got that text message where she showed doubt on her conviction, I put too much into that. I have to back off again and surprise her with plans I am making.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
It's the way she tells me. I could understand if she came to me and said "look, I know we usually go to these shows, but I really want to go with my niece to this one" or "Do you mind sitting this show out so I can go alone with my niece?" almost anything other than oh i forgot to tell you. She knew damn well, she didn't forget to tell me. SHe waited till she could text me at work and not tell me to my face. So which is it? Is she confused, thinks she might still love me, doesn't want to break up the family, doesn't want to hurt me? Or FU, I'll do what I want, who gives a rat's ass about you?
Yeah, I know. Everything you are saying makes sense. That's why it won't do you any good to express to your W.
You have to accept the fact that your W is way past those feelings. She has already left your old M and, thus, you - your old M is dead, gone, and it's not coming back.
So, it's time to work on your next R/M. You hope that is with your W, but you don't get to choose that. Your goal should be to become the person "only a fool would leave." You have already started that process.
So, first, what is your goal? Second, will bringing up your feelings to your W right now get you closer or farther away from your goal?
O, detachment is the only way to go man. I was where you are right now not too long ago. People were telling me what I'm suggesting to you, and I thought, how can I detach from the woman around whom I have built my life the last 15 years, the woman with whom I had the two most important people - my kids? But after a while, I began to realize the only way I stood a chance to draw her back to me was to detach. That, and finally getting fed up with allowing HER actions to affect my happiness.
I can tell you everything looks differently once you can detach. And, it is much easier to deal with my W's ups and downs and the worst case scenario. I'm just not fearful of the worst case anymore. And you shouldn't be either b/c we will get through this and be MUCH better people in the end - which allows us to find happiness alone or, with one of those scantily clad women from the gym.
I guess there are some differences in your sitch. In your case she seems to be trying, saying there's a chance, she doesn't want to break up the family. Essentially something to get your hopes up.
That DOES make it harder to detach and roll with it. I'll give you that.
It just means you have to be even stronger.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
GMA, yeah, when she sent me the letter saying how much she doesn't love me, bla bla bla, I was able to start really detaching. Then I get the text saying she regrets the letter, and I am all attached again. It does make it so much harder. Sometimes I want to tell her to just forget it. Let me go so I can start and finish the painful part, and get on with hooking up with a new hot chick who only likes me for my new gym body!! Little humor, you get my point.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
GMA, yeah, when she sent me the letter saying how much she doesn't love me, bla bla bla, I was able to start really detaching. Then I get the text saying she regrets the letter, and I am all attached again. It does make it so much harder. Sometimes I want to tell her to just forget it. Let me go so I can start and finish the painful part, and get on with hooking up with a new hot chick who only likes me for my new gym body!! Little humor, you get my point.
Yeah, I know - both the serious and the humor. I have had that to he!! with it, I'm done feeling too. But, until I can tell my kids I did EVERYTHING to keep the family together I have to keep going.
At times like you are having right now, I always try to do something for myself I really enjoy. For me, that's golf, or dinner with a friend, maybe a movie, or looking at some fishing equipment.
And, just expect her to be all over the board up and down. That's one of the few predictable and "normal" things with the WAS.
At what point do we realize that we *can't* do this? When we collapse from exhaustion? When we actively look elsewhere to fulfill certain needs? When we climb a clocktower with a sniper rifle? I am being facetious, but sometimes it feels that way. Thank goodness for this forum, I do believe it saves lives. I want to go do something for myself, but today is my older boy's birthday. He is 6 today, and we are taking him to Chuckey Cheese for his birthday dinner, so I have to go play happy family.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
