I have been D'Bing for about 4 months now. W is a WAW, but hasn't left yet. 98% sure no A. W is in IC, seems to be getting better. I consistantly 180, do something different, and work more and more on GAL. It's hard to do a lot of this with 2 small D's in the house.
One of the issues in the past has been communication. Horrible at it. It seems that the more I learn about myself and sitch the better I am at communicating and building confidence in myself.
However, the more we talk the more R talk comes up. The other night she said she talked to a D lawyer and that we need to start talking about moving forward with a D. I told her that I do not want a D and that I would not fight her anymore about anything. She has brought it up two more times in the last few days and find myself saying the same things even though she wants to talk more and more about it. My biggest issue was running from problems and retreating and not talking about problems in the past.
What do I need to do? If I continue talking about it, I'm afraid it will escalate. But if I stop talking about it, she might see me as retreating as my old self.
Let your W know you can't stop her. If she wants a D then she can move out. You will hire the biggest bulldog attorney you can find to protect yourself. I asked attorney friends who would they hire if they were getting a D. Let her know you want to work on the M. You won't stand in her way but you won't support her in this. Let your wife know you won't accept anything less than 50% custody of your children. Open a bank account and put money in it for yourself and get your check deposited there. Let her know you are cancelling the credit cards. Find out about your car ins and health ins. seperate. You have a problem to deal with. Meet it head on and let your W know you are handling it to protect yourself.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach. I majorly respect your opinion. I appreciate it. The way I've been playing it is that I can not stop you and will not fight you. She's talked to a lawyer and wants to go through mediation because we are so "amicable" right now. I have not gotten angry or upset through any of this. That is how I used to be. I would have exploded, pleaded, cried and yelled.
I guess their are two schools of thought. Should I keep playing it cool and if it happens, it happens and we retain friendship with the hopes of rekindling the marriage.
Not that it matters, but she is a stay at home mom. Is currently looking for a job. Basically has no money except mine. However, her parents are absolutely loaded and would probably come after me hard to protect her. I on the other hand do not have the resources to hire a badass lawyer. Our credit cards are through the roof as well.
Any other pros out there that can help with this?? SANDI???
If you use a mediator, I STRONGLY suggest you also use your own lawyer. She has one; you should have one.
In fact, I'd strongly suggest playing it exactly as Coach has recommended. He's been thru this, and not only has he been successful in reconciling with his wife (Greek), but SHE has even posted about how compelling it was when she saw that her husband was going to fight hard to protect himself legally.
She's already gone legal on this; "playing nice" only gets you killed at this point.
Thanks puppy. Right now there is not a set time for mediation. She doesn't have a job, etc. etc.
That is where I am not sure if it is real or not. I just want to play this right. I think this is crucial.
She also is actually chasing me a little bit since she said that and I didn't blow up. Asking me to do a lot of recreational things that we have not done in months.
What are you goals...are you wanting divorce advice...or save your marriage advice?
Save your marriage advice:
Talk with your wife. Except let her talk. Don't get defensive. Tell her you want to listen to what she has to say. Don't commit to anything. Simply say no you don't want the divorce.
Then really listen. Ask a couple questions about her FEELINGS...so you understand really well. Then tell her you are going to take some time to think about what she has to say. Be vague. No commitments about the day you'll get back to her or divorce ideas. DO NOT SAY THE THINGS COACH TOLD YOU TO SAY ABOUT THE BIGGEST LAWYER...ETC.
Come back with what she had to say...we can help you 'DB' it. Sandi will also have some good ideas.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
DO NOT SAY THE THINGS COACH TOLD YOU TO SAY ABOUT THE BIGGEST LAWYER...ETC.
Oh, no, by all means, DON'T use the advice from the couple that actually WORKED, where BOTH the left-behind husband AND the running-away wife said that it worked. no siree -- just stick to the theory.
(yes, I'm being sarcastic).
Two very different approaches, J. Your call. But from where I sit, you've been "stuck" for four months, and after even all that time, she's now wanting to move FORWARD with legal stuff.
SG, I thought DBing was about doing what works, and tossing aside what isn't??
SG, isn't he at a stage though where LRT would be implemented? What he's doing doesn't seem to be working. I do agree though you shouldn't tell her you're going to hire a bulldog attorney--just go out and do it. Karen
