We will all respect your decision, whatever you choose, we just all care, we have all been there, we have all done things out of anger and we just want you to be sure.
In a way that is sort of the beauty of all of this. No we didn't ask for it, but we all do have the CHOICE as to our own actions. More than once, I said, I'm done. But as I calmed down, I knew I wasn't. If you read some of the saved marriage stories, you will see, almost all of them heard the D word at one point or another. As well as a whole bunch of other stuff, they too felt like you do, and then they really considered their actions. Yellowrose is one of my favorite examples. Her H gave her a very hard time in a very short amount of time. And now she is very happy. Brandnewday also travelled a road that would have made most people crumble.
Please don't call game over unless you are really sure.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I'm just really worried that if I don't get a separation agreement together, I will be caught off guard by him. I'm not willing to do that financially. I feel like I have to figure out a way to protect myself right now. He seems to be hell bent on his decision to seperate & begin to work towards a divorce, BUT when I asked him where he was going to go, he said I don't know, it's not like I have all my ducks in a row or anything. Then I mentioned something my attorney had told me & he said - you have an attorney? (all shocked). I said yes, when I see someone putting no effort into a marriage I am going to protect myself.
He kept going on & on about how he doesn't want to screw me over. He wants to be totally fair, just do mediation. He likes me, I am a good person & a good mom...BUT I'M NOT GOOD enough to keep your marriage vows! It's like what the heck does he want in life?????
He wants to respect each other and basically play all nice for the kids. Yep, he seems to think we will be just like Demi Moore, Ashton Kuther & Bruce Willis. All one big happy divorced family!
He's being nicer to me now than he has in all the time I was busting my @ss DBing. I don't know if the pressure is off bc he finally said what he's been wanting all along, if he feels guilty or if he wants me to be amicable during the D.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
I just want you to know that my h said the exact same words to me, "I like you, you are a good woman, and a good mom. I dont want to screw you over." Get it, its the script.
You should absolutely do what you must to protect yourself financially. That has nothing to do with standing.
Listen, you are reeling from all this. It is a shock to the system. We just dont want you to have kneejerk reactions that you will regret later.
So, speak again to an attorney. Say very little to your h. He is being nice because that is what they do. You told him you spoke with an attorney, now he moves closer.
He doesnt know what he wants. Of course, he feels guilty, relieved, angry, and all the other emotions, too. Because he is a freakin' mess.
Look, take a deep breath and get it together. Nothing good comes of acting out of anger.
Take this a step at a time. Sometimes it is best to be still for a little while.
He kept going on & on about how he doesn't want to screw me over. He wants to be totally fair, just do mediation. He likes me, I am a good person & a good mom...BUT I'M NOT GOOD enough to keep your marriage vows! It's like what the heck does he want in life?????
He wants to respect each other and basically play all nice for the kids. Yep, he seems to think we will be just like Demi Moore, Ashton Kuther & Bruce Willis. All one big happy divorced family!
My W had that script before your H, but it's the same one, right down to the kids will be fine b/c we are going to be "great friends." Uh, no we're not!
And the bit about him not knowing what his next move is, that probably IS true. B/c he's letting his emotions pull him. He hasn't thought it through.
Early on, someone told me it really doesn't matter what label you put on the problem - MLC or WAS - b/c you deal with them initially in the same way.
I knw you were pi$$ed yesterday, and I don't blame you. Just make sure before you make a decision that will affect you and your kids, that you are convinced it is the right thing, not b/c your'e mad. Everyone here is going to support you no matter what. But You have to love with YOU.
Hang in there, and I am praying for you and your kids.
I'm just really worried that if I don't get a separation agreement together, I will be caught off guard by him. I'm not willing to do that financially. I feel like I have to figure out a way to protect myself right now. He seems to be hell bent on his decision to seperate & begin to work towards a divorce, BUT when I asked him where he was going to go, he said I don't know, it's not like I have all my ducks in a row or anything. Then I mentioned something my attorney had told me & he said - you have an attorney? (all shocked). I said yes, when I see someone putting no effort into a marriage I am going to protect myself.
He kept going on & on about how he doesn't want to screw me over. He wants to be totally fair, just do mediation. He likes me, I am a good person & a good mom...BUT I'M NOT GOOD enough to keep your marriage vows! It's like what the heck does he want in life?????
He wants to respect each other and basically play all nice for the kids. Yep, he seems to think we will be just like Demi Moore, Ashton Kuther & Bruce Willis. All one big happy divorced family!
He's being nicer to me now than he has in all the time I was busting my @ss DBing. I don't know if the pressure is off bc he finally said what he's been wanting all along, if he feels guilty or if he wants me to be amicable during the D.
Hope,
I don't want to seem like I am making light of what you are dealing with here....
You could cut, copy, and paste what you wrote here and it would fit almost exactly to 95% of the stories written here over the years.
And MANY of those stories were of marriages reconciled.
This is MLC script in so many ways..Except one.
YOU bought everything he was selling to you.
You ,by now, should understand that this is part of THEIR journey. And NOTHING you do or say will change this.
Patience darlin....
Yes, protect yourself, but don't sell the farm just yet....
Had a thoughtful post that disappeared, God help my computer, so I will try to remember what I had said.
Although we have all said don't lable this, I do believe your H is in crisis of some sort. Everything you wrote that he has said screams it and is in essence what so many of us have heard. If he simply wanted out, by now, he would have a plan, he would not be so concerned with being "fair". That does not mean that it won't happen, sometimes they really have to take drastic steps, so you probably should see what your options are, that may even help you to feel a little more secure about what may happen to you and the kids, but it does not sound like a done deal on his end by any means.
I know you feel like you have been marking time waiting for him to figure out what he is doing. You will continue to feel that way until you realize and accept that you do have a choice in this as well. No one, including H, can tell you what to do. You have to decide that within yourself. If you can be still, it will come to you. I think you are getting closer, but it isn't always about changing what is on the outside, behaviors, reactions, acting as if, eventually, it is about changing what is on the inside. That is when the changes become true, real, and for you. DB is such a great start because it give you the definition of the things you should do to improve you and your life, but until it is internalized, it is simply an act, a shield, a way to not fall apart under pressure.
Words hurt. The script hurts. It is confusing to be dragged into their confusion. But it give us a glimpse of what is going on inside of their head. Take steps that will help you to get out of the fear cycle that you are in. When they say the words, yes, they hurt, but they also induce fear because you don't know what is going to happen next. So if you know what your options are, and feel like you are not going to be left floating in the wind or going to end up on the street because he is going to do something crazy, that can ease the fear. Which in turn can allow you to look at the situation differently and then you can take whatever the next step is for you.
I would bet you don't feel H is a waste of time. I would bet that if you knew what you do now, although you might have done SOME things differently, that you would go back in time, and still include H in your life.
If I told you my story with H from day one, I promise that there would be many many points along the way that you would ask me, why did you stay? Why did you go through that? How come you are still married? With everything that happened before we even got M, people would say, and some have, why did you even marry him? I'm sure people have said the same thing to him about me. Our life has not been horrible by any means, when it is just H and son and I, we have been incredibly happy and secure. However, there have been many many instances over the years, involving each of our families (including more than one life threatening situation), that would make most people run and run fast. But in hindsight, even knowing that those events were going to happen, and could have turned out differently (we would be dead), I would still do it all over again. Not because I am glutton for punishment, but because I love H, I love son (wouldn't have this one without this H), and because it was our journey to take. My future will not be a repeat of our past. That was a difficult thing for me to discern. At one point, I felt like the only way I would ever be free of all of the craziness would be to D. But I have begun to realize that that is not the only option. D will not remove them from my life because of son, so there have to be other resolutions to that.
Time and patience allow us to see things from every angle. Keep that in mind.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I went to see my MC alone yesterday, and I was talking to her about the same thing - as in, do they really realize what it's going to be like when the marriage ends? The friendship is not going to be there. The willingness to cooperate is not necessarily going to be there.
Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids! I won't be filing separation or divorce paperwork myself, but I will file for support if my H starts slacking on giving me money.
My H moving out was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me in our situation - it completely removed him from the equation and I got to work on me without having him around as a reminder of the situation, and it felt much more like I was doing it for me.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Might be a good idea to let him initiate all the talk and action of separating.
Yes seek legal advice, prepare and protect yourself. You don't have to go into detail, but tell your lawyer this is not necessarily what you want. If that is what you have decided. Prepare yourself for the separation and go no further and don't mention the D word unless you want one.
There is a fine line here, but it is definitely walkable.(don't even know if that's a word lol) You must separate the legal stuff, from the personal. Don't get sucked into arguments over this, it only serves to fuel the fire.
Don't mention speaking to a laywer again. If he asks something your not sure of. Simply tell him you don't have that answer yet and you will get back to him. Then go do your homework and get back to him.
Check yourself, when it comes to your words and actions. Are they anger based? What are your true motives? Especially when it comes to your children. He will always be dad no matter what.
You have to somehow find a way to let this go and trust.
Be still and see what happens, and most importantly don't stop living for you and your children.
ok, ok - update, I've calmed down although I have been going off on H for the past 3 days. I told him that I think we should wait to make any decisions until we get some of our finances in order. I also asked him to move back into the BR so we wouldn't have to explain that and then go & drop the D bomb on them later.
Like I said before, he's actually much more relaxed & nicer now, so I will try to use that to my advantage.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
