Please help me - is there hope?

[ella]

Hi everyone - I want to apologize first if I am doing these posts incorrectly - I'm not sure where to post under; should it be Newcomers (which I am) or MLC (which my husband has) or OW/infidelity/affair (he's got a girlfriend). So, I did post this under one (of a few) MLC threads earlier today... Anyway:

I am devastated! My husband of 20 years (partner of 25) walked out on me and our 4 kids (G20, G19, B10, G5 and we lost one pregnancy at 6 mos) around Christmas. He was "unhappy," we had "grown apart", we had never really had anything in common anyway, we had been SO unhappy for SO long (sure took him a LONG time to start complaining about it, I guess he didn't realize it until he started cheating on me).

We did 1 month of counseling, but the counselor kind of seemed to think that this stage in our marriage was just one of life's milestones, like getting gray hair or kids moving away, or entering menopause. Just what my hubby needed (except he didn't mention his girlfriend sick , he finally admitted a month later that there was someone he had "feelings for" - some slut from work!). But he had never slept with her (yeah right), just kissed her once (right again). Apparently an awesome kiss, because their plans were parallel, she moved out from her husband in December, he 2 weeks later.

For some reason he has not even filed for divorce yet, but he's behaving as if he's been divorced for years! He already introduced her to our kids and took the youngest two on a week-long trip with her! I am absolutely flabbergasted at the lack of respect and middlefingerism that he's shown me and our family - hello, we're STILL married! Everyone around me is telling me to wisen up and snap out of my denial (I do believe in our marriage, I think he's in a major MLC and doesn't know what he is doing), they seem to think this is a perfectly normal thing to do! I think he is moving in with her next month (the lease on his apartment expires).

What can I do? He says he wants to finalize divorce as soon as possible (although he hasn't filed yet). Should I just go along with everything he says? How do I handle the property division? ((I'm in Scandinavia, couples own 50% of each other's "marital property" unless otherwise stated (when you're married, everything you own is called "marital property")) I feel like asking for the whole enchilada - I've spent the last 20 years taking care of the kids and his behind while he has gotten his education and worked on his career; I am basically a housewife and mother while he is very well connected within our country's business and political community, his girlfriend slut is an MBA bank department manager. I feel so abandoned and disrespected, I am so angry and sad. Please advise! (PS I have read Michele's books(Busting and Remedy) and am trying to implement what I've read there).

Thank you

[aliveandkicking]

If you don't get a lot of advice right now it is because it is late.

I don't have too much to offer except that you can read a lot of the other threads here and I suggest you read the Divorce Remedy book.

I'm sorry you are going through this. There are many here going through similar situations.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Ella,

What can I do?

You found a great site. Keep posting on this thread and you will get the support you need.

He says he wants to finalize divorce as soon as possible (although he hasn't filed yet).

Do you wamt D? If not let him do all the work. This will buy you time for him to notice all your positive changes. Validate his statements. Memorize this: "I can understand why you want a divorce. I do not want a divorce, but I will not stand in your way."

Should I just go along with everything he says?

NO! You should UNDERSTAND and validate everything he says.

Example:

H: "The sky is green"
U: "I understand you believe the sky is green."
or "I am sorry you feel the sky is green"
or "mmmmm" or "Ahhhh"

How do I handle the property division?

IF you get to this stage, Make sure you get a fair split. The big money items (ie house, cars,property, retirement funds) were easy to value and split. I live in an Equal Equity state. As far as the house hold items. I asked myself these questions: Do I want/use this item more than spouse. If the answer was YES, I requested it. If no I offered it. No reason to have two lawyers fighting over a $250 kitchen aid. I left the old one for MsR2C and purchased a new one. Layers were getting paid ~$300/hour each to argue.

I feel like asking for the whole enchilada - I've spent the last 20 years taking care of the kids and his behind while he has gotten his education and worked on his career; I am basically a housewife and mother while he is very well connected within our country's business and political community, his girlfriend slut is an MBA bank department manager.

If D goes down, get the best lawyer you can find. He will make sure you get what is fair. sounds like you should be entitled for Spousal maint, but your local lawyers will know the law and what you are entitled to. You can start talking to lawyers NOW to get yourself educated on the process and find one you like.

I feel so abandoned and disrespected, I am so angry and sad.

I am sorry. I know it hurts. Keep working on you. Feel the feelings then let them go.

PS I have read Michele's books(Busting and Remedy) and am trying to implement what I've read there.[/quote]Implement as many positive changes as you can. I have many other good books you can read listed on the first post of my thread.


Just remember that everything will be OK. Take everything one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time if needed. DO NOT FEAR the future. DO NOT LET FEAR control you. Face your fear and it will not control your life. Always do your best. Get legal advise......

HUGS

[Puppy Dog Tails]

R2C, that is GREAT advice. Ella, you'd be wise to listen to this and follow. Simultaneously protecting yourself, while you don't do anything yourself to push the D, all the while validating, is sound strategy.

I'm sorry you're going thru this. Keep posting!

Puppy

[Phoenixdeux]

I think he's in a major MLC and doesn't know what he is doing

He does know what he's doing. MLC is just an excuse. This same behavior is pretty much seen with any cheating spouse. Don't label him with something so he has "an out" for unacceptable behavior. He's made a choice.

I wouldn't file for divorce, but I'd make sure you have all your legal ducks in a row. You need to be prepared and protect yourself. Open your own bank account and remove half of the money. He'll spend you both into the poor house wining and dining this woman.

Now, put on your game face. He doesn't need to see that you are crushed by this or even that you want to save the marriage. As far as he's concerned, he should be under the impression that you don't want him back. If you aren't his for the asking, he may begin to take notice. BUT, he's probably still wrapped up in this affair so he may not be looking that hard. Start working on making yourself happy. You can live without him, and be content, and should start working on that. Take up hobbies. Get active. Enjoy your kids.

[Gardener]

Ella,

I'm sorry/glad that you are here. You have good advice already. I will add for now:
When you get DR book, look up the Last Resort Techniques and start there.
Read the thread Quotes Found On Divorcebusting (II) near the top of this Newcomers forum.
Keep posting. Do it as journaling (you'll feel better, begin to get clarity) updating (we'll know more facts), or asking questions (you'll get answers and you won't find that, after a busy forum day, your last post is all of a sudden 6 pages back)

Good luck. Strength.