I am devastated! My husband of 20 years (partner of 25) walked out on me and our 4 kids (G20, G19, B10, G5 and we lost one pregnancy at 6 mos) around Christmas. He was "unhappy," we had "grown apart", we had never really had anything in common anyway, we had been SO unhappy for SO long (sure took him a LONG time to start complaining about it, I guess he didn't realize it until he started cheating on me).
We did 1 month of counseling, but the counselor kind of seemed to think that this stage in our marriage was just one of life's milestones, like getting gray hair or kids moving away, or entering menopause. Just what my hubby needed (except he didn't mention his girlfriend , he finally admitted a month later that there was someone he had "feelings for" - some slut from work!). But he had never slept with her (yeah right), just kissed her once (right again). Apparently an awesome kiss, because their plans were parallel, she moved out from her husband in December, he 2 weeks later.
For some reason he has not even filed for divorce yet, but he's behaving as if he's been divorced for years! He already introduced her to our kids and took the youngest two on a week-long trip with her! I am absolutely flabbergasted at the lack of respect and middlefingerism that he's shown me and our family - hello, we're STILL married! Everyone around me is telling me to wisen up and snap out of my denial (I do believe in our marriage, I think he's in a major MLC and doesn't know what he is doing), they seem to think this is a perfectly normal thing to do! I think he is moving in with her next month (the lease on his apartment expires).
What can I do? He says he wants to finalize divorce as soon as possible (although he hasn't filed yet). Should I just go along with everything he says? How do I handle the property division? ((I'm in Scandinavia, couples own 50% of each other's "marital property" unless otherwise stated (when you're married, everything you own is called "marital property")) I feel like asking for the whole enchilada - I've spent the last 20 years taking care of the kids and his behind while he has gotten his education and worked on his career; I am basically a housewife and mother while he is very well connected within our country's business and political community, his girlfriend slut is an MBA bank department manager. I feel so abandoned and disrespected, I am so angry and sad. Please advise! (PS I have read Michele's books(Busting and Remedy) and am trying to implement what I've read there).
Thank you
"Adultery is not about sex or romance. Ultimately, it is about how little we mean to one another." Leonard Michaels
Well - just his symptoms. The changes in him - I read Pat Gaudette's "How to Survive Your Husband's Midlife Crisis," and he was like a textbook case out of that book; I couldn't believe what I was reading, it was so much like what is described in that book. I also talked to a former friend of his, who went through the exact same thing, but he has snapped out of his midlife crisis - they're the same age (42), were going through "burnout" from enormous stress at work. He said, when you throw another woman into this mix it's impossible to get through to you. It wouldn't have mattered what anyone said to him, he wouldn't have listened. There is nothing to do except wait until he snaps out of it - which of course may never happen. In the meantime, I have to survive! The pain from this is literally eating my insides (I have lost so much weight, my size zero jeans are starting to hang on me).
"Adultery is not about sex or romance. Ultimately, it is about how little we mean to one another." Leonard Michaels
Hello Ella You can do this. I did it. My H and I will have been married for 6 years this October and together for 7. We have a three year old. Last November he said he didn't want to have any more kids. I freaked. Then he said he wanted a break, that turned into a separation, then he wanted to date other people. Long story short, yes we were fighting. Neither of us were happy, but he met someone and she was just as emotional needy as my H was. From then until about 3 weeks ago, H and I were up and down. OW was in the picture, then out, then back again. Finally, she just got engaged and right before that and especially when it happened, H hit rock bottom and everyone could hear the thud when he hit bottom.
Since then, we've been not only getting along, but I'm receiving geniune affection that does not lead to ML. He's being thoughtful including a nice day at the beach and dinner at my favorite restaurant for my birthday coming up later this month. He's also invited me as his date to a big night with his friends, his golf buddies.
I wish I had known all I know now that first night he said he wanted a separation.
Here's what I will advise to you as you start this road to hell....I hope it helps you get back to reality sooner with your H in tow......
My mother recently asked me (paraphrased) what would you do if you knew for fact that H would come back to you, sooner than later? What if you knew for fact that he just needs to work through this crazy and will one day again not only be your husband but you will have an even better relationship with him? How would you act right now? What would you do? The answer: I would live my life and just do things I like, either with or without him but def. with our son. I would even be able to laugh sometimes as I witness the the MLC crazy first hand. I would be able to live.....that's the most important thing I've learned and I wish to God my mother had said this to me months ago. But I have to admit Michelle teaches the same thing....she calls it "Act as If". And you need to do this. It will have a huge impact on you, a great one.
Next, get a life. We call it GALing here. It's imperative. I did do this as soon as I read Divorce Rememdy and it's truly wonderful and liberating and really, we should all be doing this all the time no matter what's going on in our lives. We all deserve this.
The baggy size 0s.....I understand. I was about 125 pounds when my H left. I'm about 103- 106 now. BUT I am now starting to eat more....because I'm feeling better and I do need to put some weight back on. Try, try to eat and take care of yourself. It's hard, but you have to for you and for your children.
So here's the good news.....My H's EA definitely ended, several times. And when it ended for good, he made a very loud splat when he was slammed dunked by OW. While I was there for him, I asked NO questions. Not one. I made sure everyone in our family was ok, (like his mother and his cousin who is not well, fighting cancer) and then let him have his breakdown. In the end, he came to me....and it was a hard decision, but I figured, Man, I fought this long for this moment and now I just want to smack him. But I won't. This is my H and I will love him, even now.
So wait it out. Patience....you will need lots of it. And I had NONE when this started. Now, I have a lot. I've learned and this experience has at least given me that....patience.
Also, once I finally let go and really was able to detach, after my mother's great questions put it into perspective for me, I was able to relax. I had no expectations for his reactions, his actions, nothing from him. And then, then it happened. He seemed to finally see me again. He started to call just to call. He started to text, just to text. He started to really care and ask me crap like "What do you want to do for dinner?" Or he would compliment me, which he had stopped doing. It all changed and changed fast.
Now don't get me wrong... H and I are NOT out of the woods. We could still stand before a judge and end this marriage....but I'm less afraid of that now and I have a much better idea of what works for me and what doesn't.
But it might not happen that way for you, but it can, so be ready.
Remember, act as if, do things for you and for your family and have no expectations. When it comes to your H and doing things for or with him......my only rule is this: Don't do anything you aren't willing to do for the rest of your life.
Thank you so much, I love this website! One thing though - I'm having a hard time understanding all the abbreviations! Is there a list of what they mean somewhere?! ILYBINILWY ? I understand... M, me, H, husband... What is T? D, S, daughter, son DBing? and, for example, from SMW: M40/H35 (him 35, "me" 40) T16/M14 ? 4K 4 kids B2/08 ? S4/08 ? I'm sorry how dense I am...!
"Adultery is not about sex or romance. Ultimately, it is about how little we mean to one another." Leonard Michaels
I would say that if you don't want a divorce, don't do anything (but consult with a lawyer to make sure that you don't get stuck in some mess). Make him do all the paperwork.
GAL is good advice, but I think that I would also say that it takes a while to get detached and get to the point where you are not hurting enormously.
I found that going dark early in the crisis was good; it helped me detach and not be angry. You have to get rid of anger before you can become friends and then possibly romantic--if it is going to happen.
Your H's crisis seems to have come on abruptly. My H's came on slowly and is probably going to exit slowly. I think the quick crises are the ones that burn out quickly, too.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
, he finally admitted a month later that there was someone he had "feelings for" - some slut from work!). But he had never slept with her (yeah right), just kissed her once (right again). Apparently an awesome kiss, because their plans were parallel, she moved out from her husband in December, he 2 weeks later. 
