I wanted to share my story...I am a 35 y/o married man that has been married for 10 years. I have 2 children son7, daughter 3. I found out in the middle of March that my wife had been emotionally detached from me since February but did not tell me anything until the middle of March when I sat her down one night to find out what is going on with our relationship. She told me that she had been sending signals to me and because of the way I had been acting to her and friends the emotional detachment happened I sat and listened to her patiently as she spoke about everything she was feeling and when she was done I offered my sincere apologies for the way I had treated her, I told her that she did not deserve it and that I was willing and going to change because I did not like the person I had become. So as weeks had gone by she was being very mean and cold to me, saying things like she is not attracted to me anymore, to things like we rushed into our marriage, having children...I could just sit there in disbelief and listen to her I did not argue, contradict or anything...I just let her vent....Then the next week her family got into town and we all went to the beach and as I just happened to go into the car I noticed my wifes work Blackberry going off and when I picked it up to bring it to her It was actually an Instant Message from her male coworker and I noticed that in the conversation with him she had said she luv him and called him an affectionate name that I cannot remember at this point...So I handed her the phone and I asked her if she is cheating on me and she said NO...She said that she told me that she is emotionally detached so ...I was mortified..it was like my guts had been taken out of me, Did I deserve this after everything I had done for her and my family? So from that point on I noticed it more and more how she would hide her Blackberry when she would be using it like laying it in her private area, under her leg, under the covers on the couch all of this to try to keep it hidden from me...I mean just totally trying to hide it from me but doing a piss poor job doing it...She still to this day says that she has not had an EA or PA affair with this guy..Here is the story with this guy, he broke up with his live in girlfriend of 10 years right around the same time me and my wife started to have problems...She hardly ever used her cell phone and since February her calls have gone up exponentially to his cell phone and his house..BUT hey nothing is going on she said that he is just a friend and the message I read I took out of context....Now the calls have decreased alot but it is still going on and I was able to access her Facebook to see that something did happen one night when she said she was going out with her friends and I have a copy of that..Now to bring it up to speed today...She wanted some time to herself to think things over so she went to her familys place yesterday which is out of state and we go every year for the 4th...so I will have to drive myself, 3 children and a dog 700 miles away or 12 hours...I would rather do that then send her away with the kids like that so really no complaints on that...I have doing things for myself but it is so hard, everyone tells me not to give up either..we have been seeing a MC but I don't think it’s helping much, it seems like it is the counselor and my wife against me each time, I do alot of talking and my wife just says that she does not know what she wants to do...I guess that's better than her deciding to divorce? It is a big mess I told her in counseling that I trust her about the phone calls if what she said is true but I really don't think that is the case.Maybe she does not know what an emotional affair is and the fact that she is in one It would not surprise me BUT she should know the difference between wrong and right when it comes to talking to another man when you are married...Unfortunately we had lost GOD in our lives for about a year and a half now and when I decided to change things for myself I asked the Lord to come back into my heart and life...But it is so hard right now, I look at my children and wonder what will happen in the future? I can just cry when I think about the failures I have caused in my marriage...She still lives at home she wears her rings, sleeps in the same bed, she gives me kisses before she goes to work and I get a night night kiss too, she undresses in front of me...all of these are improvements since March..I am continuing to DB but it still seems like things are moving so slowly now..
M:35 W:36 M:10 yrs T:11.5 yrs C: B7, G3 ED: 3/09 DB: 3/20/09 Served 12-8-09 Still going through the process
Welcome. Sorry you're here. I've skimmed your post and will re-read later.
For now, Add a profile w/vital stats. Write in paragraphs. It makes it so much easier to read and digest. Get DR if you haven't already done so. Read the posts on this forum. Just keep reading. Read Quotes Found On Divorcebusting (II) near the top of this forum
Hang in there
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I have updated my profile...I have actually been DB since April...I can't believe it is 3 months of this hell...and I am having to play mr nice guy while I know I am responsible for my own deeds the W is acting like nothing happened with a possible EA affair with her..I had a good 4th with the kids and tomorrow I will have to drive 12 hours to go to her family reunion..And she is spending time there early to try to get a clear perspective on things...I wonder how she can do that when the other man is involved too...
M:35 W:36 M:10 yrs T:11.5 yrs C: B7, G3 ED: 3/09 DB: 3/20/09 Served 12-8-09 Still going through the process
Sorry you have to come here for answers, that means you are in a bad sitch like all of us here. There are alot of very wise people here that can help you. I have a very similar sitch. My W hates when I refer to her and OM and EA. She claims she is not a cheater, its not a A. Hate to disagree, but I am being cheated. It is an EA. They can call it something else if they like, but it is an A of some sort.
"Mr. Nice Guy" never works. I have NEVER seen it work.
Seek out Gucci Loafer, and read his other posts to people. It's time to take a much stronger stand with your wife, and for your family.
Go back and re-read what I posted to you a month ago on your other thread. This is exactly what I warned you would happen if you didn't confront her, and you're losing time by the day.
Marriage counseling doesn't work when one partner is having an affair. Save your time and your money, or -- better -- spend it on IC for yourself.
Your wife knows what she's doing is wrong. She's probably wondering why you haven't stood up to her, and is losing respect for you every day. And, since women tie their feelings of "respect" very closely with their feelings of "love," you can see what your challenge is here.
Puppy Dog..this totally goes against the DB info...Each time I have brought it up she has gotten mad and is denying anything...Can you explain to me how confrontation and making demands about the OM and EA will bring any good to the situation? I can't control her and I don't want to she is in a state of dillusion one of I guess a drug like state about this guy...and anything I do to pressure her will send her into his arms and not mine from everything I have read...
M:35 W:36 M:10 yrs T:11.5 yrs C: B7, G3 ED: 3/09 DB: 3/20/09 Served 12-8-09 Still going through the process
DB is about doing things that work. Is anything you have been doing working? Nope. Confronting someone and setting boundaries are important things. Of course she is going to be mad. When a child gets caught doing something they know they are not supposed to be doing and are called on it, who do they get mad at? Themselves for doing something wrong? Nope, the parent for busting them. Same situation! You are calling her out on things she knows better than to do. Justifying it by saying, "We are just friends?" is an excuse to make them feel better for doing something wrong. They feel guilty and lash out. It is script. Ler her know you know. Let her know you don't approve. Let her know your boundaries. You simply say, "I will not be in a relationship with someone who is having an emotional affair with someone." You don't tell her what she needs to do. You let her know your boundaries and she can make choices from there.
What is so good about being in a relationship with someone who has someone else? Why let it go on? Do you believe that counseling will be effective if she is still having the other relationship?
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I'm not telling you to make demands. As someone stated above, you set BOUNDARIES, which is very different. Demands DICTATE to someone else what THEY need to do. Boundaries COMMUNICATE to someone else what YOU are willing to put up with (and not).
"I will not live in an open marriage" is not a demand. It's a boundary.
You seem to think something isn't worth doing because she's "gotten mad." WRONG THINKING. Until you learn to stop operating on a basis of "How will this make her feel? Will this make her mad? How will her being mad at me, make ME feel?" (this is co-dependent), and instead learn to operate from a framework of "WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO IN THIS SITUATION? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do if He were standing right in front of me?" . . . you will never get anywhere.
Put MUCH more simply, what you're doing ISN'T WORKING, and it's NOT "DBing" to keep doing what isn't working, sorry.
Ok guys I understand what you are saying here, I have already told her that I TRUST her now how is that going to look on my part if I am back peddling now?
M:35 W:36 M:10 yrs T:11.5 yrs C: B7, G3 ED: 3/09 DB: 3/20/09 Served 12-8-09 Still going through the process
