I have an interesting update but don't have the time to post about now. It may be another day or two until I get to it, but I'd love your thoughts on it so will try to get to it soon.
As briefly as possible, here's what happened: I decided to send H a follow-up email since he didn't set a time to meet to discuss D terms before he deadline I set. I was very cordial in the letter - no blame or guilt. Explained why I wanted to do it now, would respect him for following through, but assumed I would be the one to file as I'm ready and can't keep waiting. Made sure he also knew that this is not what I want, only what I felt was necessary at this point. Also told him I wasn't expecting a reply and he should not feel obligated to give me one. I would email him terms to look over and he could reply by email.
Shortly after, he replied. It was a lengthy email in comparison to the ones he's sent in past few years. The major points were: - he feels like we're becoming friends again and ge was happy about that - he is ASHAMED of what he's put us through these past few years - kids and I remain his priority and he's going to make sure our futures are secure - he will file for D and will discuss terms with me - and finally, he's very proud of kids and says that it's because of how I've raised them. (this was especially major to me, considering he is not one to give compliments - ever)
I sent short reply back that evening saying I appreciated the reply, but even more so his willingness to share his feelings with me. I told him it takes courage to admit shame. And I said I couldn't ask for a better compliment. Kept it short, even though there was so much more I wanted to say. Now is not the time.
It feels like we're moving in to a new R w each other, even though, as he also said, it may not be together. "The start of something new" is what H said, which I found interesting. Strangely, part of why I felt strongly about sending email to push D through - to really close the book on our M as we knew it and all the hurt we've been through.
Not sure what to expect now. Don't know if he'll follow through. Feel like line of communication has at least been opened and am so proud of H for admitting his shame. Either way, it's s step in the right direction for him. His lifestyle hasn't changed, but he also said he wants to be more active in kids' lives and is trying. (He is.). Even though he said he's going to file D, I'm almost more hopeful.
SH It all sounds positive to me as well seems like if he feels ashamed of what he did, he knows it was him and is taking resposibility for it also u handled it all very well in my opinion you were brief and to the point acknowleding all his positive points even though you may have wanted to say more so if you can create a nice friendhip that is a great start whether it leads to anything ekse will only be known in time so continue on with your life everything seems to be falling into place and maybe patience will be needed now more than before peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Ok, so H just came back from a trip. We were not expecting to see him this weekend. He calls shortly after arriving to say he has some gifts for kids and wants to drop them off. He comes over to give them gifts and has a gift for me as well. A bottle of perfume! ??? I thanked him and sprayed some on right then and there (even though perfume makes me nauseous!). He's very generous and has given me gifts before for no reason - camera, computer, stuff like that that I kind of needed. I don't know what to make of this.
No talk of D. I'm completely boggled, but then again, totally dismissing this as nothing because things could go either way.
What should I be looking for in reconnection phase, if this is that???
Has he totally reconnected with friends, co-workers and family? Has he started taking a real interest in what everyone is doing? If this is true reconnection, you will be the last one that he reconnects to, i.e., just as you were the first he disconnected w/many months/years ago.
It sounds to me like he wants to be friends with everyone. Is he trying to smooth things over for not being around during the holiday? They really do have a way of trying to knock us off balance, but you are handling the situation well. I think that in his own way, he doesn't want a divorce, but can't come out and say it to you. He has to save face w/himself and others.
Time will tell if this is true reconnection or not. Keep your expectations at zero and continue on w/your life. If he's waking up, he's going to have to paddle quite hard to catch up with the growth and experience that you've gained during his "OZ" visit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The fact that he admits he is ashamed of his behavior is true growth. I would be elated with this. He acknowledges all your hard work in raising your children, how wonderful. Slow and steady, you are handling this so well.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
nothing is probably good advice sh Give this phase a little time before you push for anything' see what happens and keep going you are doing well and ofcourse this is an inspiration for all of us to hear our xh say they did wrong peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Agree with most posters above. I would think if he is reconnecting with old friends, that's a start. Keep your expectation at zero. Relationship at this point would be like business partner/friend (not even close friend), so I think I would reconnect to that level only. Being too close would be too emotional for both of you and that's probably not good at this point. You are very patient with this already so I am sure you will handle it gracefully through the D process (or the lack of progress, if he chooses to sit on it). Take care
Thank you for your replies, comments and support. Yes, I was elated with the email, but mostly in the moment I read it. I think all of us here know better than to get too excited over baby steps (even though this was more of a huge step to me). I do feel more at peace now, still very proud of H for doing what I doubted he would ever be able to do. I thought I had lost the bitterness towards him, but realized I lost more of it after his admission. Our last interaction was far less guarded, less formal, and more casual. I do feel like we're becoming friends again and sense he's becoming more comfortable at my place. He even sat on the couch for the first time since bomb.
As for reconnecting with friends, H began doing that a few months ago. Seems to be hanging out less with post-bomb group. And now that he's no longer with ogre, her group of friends are no longer a part of his life. I've heard that he's still in contact with ow, and also heard he's just recently become facebook friends with her and her friends. Annoying, yes, but I don't think the relationship goes any further than that. (H and I are not fb friends.)
Still haven't figured out what the perfume was for and have stopped trying to figure it out. Definitely not guilt for not being around for the holidays, as it's not one celebrated where we are. Maybe it was a peace offering.
For now, I'm going to let H lead the way from here. I've said what I need to say. So it's back to doing nothing. Surprisingly, I don't think much about what's happened. I'm prepared for this to go either way.
