peace, forward, oc - I've turned a corner and have fully reached acceptance. It's been a very liberating experience. It's like I've started to dream again. The dreams I had while I was with my H will never be and I've let go of them. Time to build a new life.
I have had momentary lapses of longing for H, but I know it's the idea of H, who he was, and who I always thought he had the potential to be that I long for. That H doesn't exist in reality anymore. He's a mess and a coward. On top of that, I've found out that he's been seeing (not dating) his M'ed psychopathic ex-gf from 15+ years ago. After their break-up, he never had a kind word to say about her, and now he's friends with her again. I don't get it.
Also found out more reasons why he broke up with ogre. He couldn't stand her behavior. From what I knew of her, I could not understand why H would want to be with her, knowing how he felt about girls that act like her. There's some comfort in knowing that it finally caught up and H just couldn't take it anymore - even if it did take 3 years for him to see it. Their R was a tumultuous one, with terrible fights which included her getting physical with him. (I knew I had seen scratch marks on his arms before.) He even told friend that she brought out the worst in him. I couldn't agree more.
Could use some opinions:
I'm really ready to move forward with D. H went out of town but will be back tomorrow and claims to be busy for rest of week. I'd like to have the discussion about the D that he suggested almost a month ago, but am growing very impatient waiting for him to set a date.
Do I need to have the discussion? I was thinking of emailing him to tell him that if he can't set a date by next week, I will be willing to discuss it over the phone - and if that isn't possible, then we can settle the terms through email. Is that fair?
While I'm done trying to DB my M, I still want to handle the D in the best way possible. I'm tired of this dragging on. I'm ready to get this over with.
My opinion only. No need to push very hard. Why give him another reason to say later that you pushed, or that you are not a patient person (which obviously you are not, but still). I just had a talk with H about our issues, after 2 months of waiting, and he still said I asked so soon. go figure. I'd wait till till he is less busy. But may be you can set a date to meet, rather than waiting for him to set a date. Then all he has to do is to say yes to the date. Take care, I am sure this is still tough to go through.
SH Im sorry to hear that your H continues to seek poor choices and old gf
I dont know I think you need to decide waht is best for you now our spouses are avoiders some will file- others balk you can wait you can ask for D talk You can email You can file probably though to be as amlicable as possible, you may want to wait for your H to put some time aside you can also seek L to get advice so you know where you stand ( im not sure if yiou already did that) I dont believe D can flow well anyway b/c L will have to be involved and that tends to stir crap up especially for the H It is a difficult process at least it weas for us but we also had the business involved which was so hard to deal with hang in you will get thru this
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks for the opinions. Lots of good points. I haven't made a decision yet how I'm going to proceed. I'm feeling really anxious to talk to H, but at the same time, I have a feeling it might be like talking to a brick wall. I think I'm just as interested in R talk and telling H how I feel as I am about discussing D. Trying to be patient, but this feeling is really nagging me and I haven't been able to shake it.
If I don't push H on this, I imagine he'll allow it to drag on. I have trips planned in all of the next 3 months, so I'd really like to get started on this now while I have the time. It'll be next year before I know it, and I'll still be in the same boat.
Part of the reason why I'd like to get this taken care of now is because H isn't seeing anyone (that I'm aware). I think he'll be more clear-headed, fair, and generous on his own than he'd be with someone else in the picture.
Given H's inability to look at me, I'm thinking discussing things over the phone may be better. H seems more comfortable that way - and it was how our R started. Although, I won't be able to read his body language etc. if we don't meet face to face. Not that it matters, I guess.
Holding myself back from sending him a message right now, but may just have to do it by tomorrow.
Weird stuff going on. Too much to give a play by play of all the things that have happened recently. Basically, H is still stalling on the D. Communication is good and we've spent more time together - not that we planned to, just at the same place at the same time. H is more open when we're together, but still no signs of wanting to reconcile. At last meeting, for the first time in years, H hugged and kissed me on the cheek (both, actually), which I returned. Not sure if it's all in my mind, but it all seemed to happen in slow motion.
I've met someone who I'm interested in getting to know better. I was surprised at the attraction I felt towards him. Several chance meetings. However, H knows him, so not sure it will happen. I'm not going to initiate anything with him. I'd like to get D settled with H first.
Had chance to talk about R with H, but honestly could not think of what I wanted to say. We said we'd talk again, but I think I've already found the answers I need on my own. There are still some things I'd like to say to H though.
I've been feeling really excited about what's going to happen next. I was stuck for sooo long and now I feel like I'm starting to live again. It's a good feeling to have.
oc - I am definitely more certain and confident of myself too. I feel that H still doesn't respect me even as his almost-XW, and I am somehow still allowing it (even though we're not together). For the most part, I think I am trying to avoid any sort of conflict. And, as I've been told too many times: I'm too nice.
forward - I'm not so sure H is turning around. More like keeping me on the back-burner, just in case, like he's been doing all along.
Realized today after a brief conversation about H taking kids for full weekend while I went out of town that H really wants to be free from that kind of responsibility. Knowing this makes it easier to close the door. I had only a fleeting tinge of resentment - I can say without exaggeration that I ask the bare minimum of him, if anything at all, when it comes to his responsibilities as their father. He takes them for no more than 1 night a week, and not even every week - it's at HIS convenience to work around his work and mostly social schedule.
It's not that he said he wouldn't watch them. It was the passive-aggressive way he made me feel I was inconveniencing him AND overspending. Sure, I'm entitled to go. But I've figured out a way to fit the trip in another time when my parents can watch the kids instead. I don't want any favors from H. I should know better by now than to think I can depend on H for ANYTHING.
Hoping the D will help give me more distance from H, financially and however else possible.
