Ok. I'm ready to start over...again. Made a call to see a counselor for myself next week. Sent two emails regarding possible work leads. Going to get off the computer and be with my kids.
Going back to my list of things I need to do for me.
Thanks guys. Please help me stay on track and get back on track if and when I falter.
Going to a counselor is a good thing. Tracking down work leads is a good thing. Being with your kids is a good thing. Getting back to your list of things you need to do is a good thing. You are doing better than you think aliveandkicking. Give yourself credit. This is hard stuff...for sure. You are handling it...even though the rough spots are 'really rough'! You've got a lot of support here.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Really struggling to control my thoughts. Very interesting how I still want to make it all make sense in my mind.
H alluded yesterday to maybe going to see a MC. It is very hard for me to just let it go unless and until he brings it up again...I am going to stay out of it because every time I think someone can step in and fix this, I am wrong.
I think if and when the time is right, it will be when he is ready...
It seemed to be less in the context of saving the marriage and more about finding peace and sanity between us...honestly, that is what I want more than the M, peace and sanity.
Really struggling to control my thoughts. Very interesting how I still want to make it all make sense in my mind.
One of my brother's (he, too, has dealt with M issues) favorite sayings is "you can't make sense out of nonsense." Don't try. You will just drive yourself batty.
25 says that feelings are the results of thoughts...and that we DO have control of our thoughts...we just have to exercise that control! I know...that's easier said than done...but so are lots of things that we are doing!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Detaching is not giving up. It is accepting any outcome. Really accepting. I am working on this and feel I am pretty close.
Just because I am dropping the rope does not mean I cannot pick it up again to take up the slack if W comes walking back. I am just working to be ok with not picking the rope back up if she does not come back.
I think it is the only way to go, really, just takes work.
H has tried to say that I seem to be doing so well and the fact that I am not more upset when he tells me about other women just proves that my desire to R is not about him but just the kids...I had already explained to him that I was devastated early on but I have had to accept his decision and take care of myself. It is a major mindf*ck. And, honestly, the last time he said it, I said I am sorry it is so hard for him to believe that he was loved...and I believe that, he feels unloveable so he projects it.
Anyway, more mental gymnastics. I have to take care of me no matter what. It is hard to be even close to ok after only 6 months but it is the only option.
