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A Message from Michele
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Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: DanceQueen] #1797916
07/09/09 07:11 PM
07/09/09 07:11 PM
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lostlove Offline OP
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lostlove  Offline OP
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I certainly see your point DanceQueen but then I also don't. I realize that it takes some people loosing things to realize what they have... I understand the concept of "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone" I've cleaned out my closet enough times to know that sweater I never wore and added to the donation pile is suddenly the one I wish I saved.

I don't take the people in my life for granted...never have. I don't take relationships, my health, my children, my family etc for grantide. I don't hold onto the false idea that if I spend all my time now keeping a clean house and rearing the kids the right way while my h works and takes on his own hobbies and interest (healthy or not) that someday when the kids are grown we'll have a wonderful m. It puzzles me that something so natural like valueing the people around you and the relationships you have with them should be something that has to be shocked into another person. Of course if it has to be shocked into a person then is it genuine at all anyway?

I do feel bad for all the LBS who do understand and are victims of the parasites we call ow/om who invade a sick m making it even more unhealthy, but I am not like the was they are dealing with. I have been them for far too many years I've only decided to not take it anymore.

LL

Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: lostlove] #1797924
07/09/09 07:18 PM
07/09/09 07:18 PM
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DanceQueen Offline
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Lost - I guess when I was saying "you" in my questions, I didn't actually mean YOU.

I just meant that this is a very common problem for many many people.

Maybe you do appreciate everyone and everything in your life every day of your life. But see, most people do not. Most people are always feeling a lack, wishing for more, feeling entitled to "more" (whatever "more" is), taking their peeps for granted, taking their blessings for granted.

Therefore, my point is, this is a very universal human trait. It is not just applied to taking marriages for granted, but EVERY blessing in our lives. Most people (not you apparently) do not wake up until they get their wake up call.

Me personally, my brother is paralyzed from a spinal cord injury, my best friend died when I was 23 years old, one of my children was molested by an outside family member, I've been divorced and had to file bankruptcy, my mother had cancer...blah blah blah and on and on. Finally at some point, these "tragedies" taught me the one lesson that ever mattered in life: appreciate EVERYTHING.

And "everything" also includes horrible learning experiences, like bankruptcy and divorce.

Maybe you have already understood this lesson. If that is the case, be grateful you are not afflicted with the apathy and entitlement issues that others have.

DQ

Last edited by DanceQueen; 07/09/09 07:19 PM.
Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: DanceQueen] #1798040
07/09/09 10:44 PM
07/09/09 10:44 PM
Joined: Jun 2002
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lostlove Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: DanceQueen

Maybe you have already understood this lesson. If that is the case, be grateful you are not afflicted with the apathy and entitlement issues that others have.

DQ


I am grateful that somehow the life I was given with it's ups and downs opened my eyes at an earlier age than it would seem most learn that appreciation.

I'm sorry that I feel everyone is entitled to some peace and respect in their home and sometimes the means to that peace is by removing the person who has not yet realized the negative impact their behaviour is having on those around them. Why live with a stranger when you can live alone?

LL

Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: lostlove] #1798054
07/09/09 11:32 PM
07/09/09 11:32 PM
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antlers Offline
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Originally Posted By: lostlove

I'm sorry that I feel everyone is entitled to some peace and respect in their home and sometimes the means to that peace is by "removing the person who has not yet realized the negative impact their behaviour is having on those around them."
LL



What about those of us who 'have' realized the negative impact our behavior was having on those around us? DanceQueen has made some good and rational responses to some of your questions. People 'can' change...if they want to bad enough to do the work! I realize every situation is different, and...as Sandi said earlier, I see a lot of pain and disappointment in your posts. I'm sorry you have experienced what you have!


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: antlers] #1798324
07/10/09 01:11 PM
07/10/09 01:11 PM
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lostlove Offline OP
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I wonder if you all would feel the same way if the shoe was on the other foot.

LL

Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: lostlove] #1798468
07/10/09 03:42 PM
07/10/09 03:42 PM
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antlers Offline
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Originally Posted By: lostlove
I wonder if you all would feel the same way if the shoe was on the other foot.

LL


Knowing what I know now...I certainly hope so!


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: antlers] #1798470
07/10/09 03:49 PM
07/10/09 03:49 PM
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DanceQueen Offline
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LL - I'm not sure what you mean at all. I don't know your sitch much, but I have not advocated at all that you should stay with your H. Remember, I AM DIVORCED, and contrary to the fact that this is a divorce-busting board, my divorce was (ultimately) the best thing that ever happened for my life.

So...I don't know what you *think* I'm trying to say, but it certainly isn't that you should stay with your H!

All I was doing was answering the topic of your thread in a direct and literal manner. My answer had nothing to do with your decision to stay or leave your H.

DQ

Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: DanceQueen] #1798504
07/10/09 04:31 PM
07/10/09 04:31 PM
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antlers Offline
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I didn't take it that way either, and I don't think she took it that way. She might have been responding to me, and the other LBS who responded to her. I thought your initial response was very insightful, rational, truthful, and thoughtful. It 'is' possible for people to change...if they want to bad enough, and are willing to do the work. That doesn't mean that all is forgiven, or that trust is restored, or anything else. It simply means that people who are angry, resentful, and abusive CAN change...I have, so I know it's possible! Sometimes the hurt may be too much that no matter what, the WAW isn't willing to go back...the hurt may be so great that the marriage isn't salvagable because of the WAW's feelings. If that's the case...then it is what it is. Regardless, being a better man, a better father, and a better partner will increase the happiness of the LBS...as well as his kids and his wife, or another woman on down the line...if that's the case. I think lostlove has experienced some great pain and disappointment in her relationship...and I'm sorry that she has. We men can be selfish, self-centered, rotten pricks sometimes!


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: antlers] #1798581
07/10/09 06:20 PM
07/10/09 06:20 PM
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Originally Posted By: lostlove
I wonder if you all would feel the same way if the shoe was on the other foot.

LL


I agree most everything you have said as well as the others, but one thing I would like to point out to you is your statement above. For me the LBS, the shoe 'has' been on the other foot as well.

There is no OM in my sitch either, but my W has decided to call it quits. That was the final 2x4 I needed to see clearly back over the last few years what had been happening.

For me, the LBS, I was also angry/resentful/hurt at what was happening. I could sense something was wrong, but it was never articulated well, and not knowing what to do, I did the best I could without the 'tools' I really needed to make changes. Unfortunately, those were all the WRONG things to do, pursue, beg, etc.

That is your natural reaction to what's happening, all the DB tools, personal growth tools, etc you have to use go AGAINST what your natural reaction would be. Once you have hit the bottom, or come to understand the tools and see the way the tools and personal growth for yourself will work, it's then too late for the WAS.

However, as the LBS, I had committed to sickness/health/death do us part, and still do to this day, that no matter what happened I would work on our MR. But that's not so for the WAS. At times I wanted to leave as well, my love had ebbed also, but not my commitment to her. I feel that my natural reaction to what was happening was a form of 'sickness' that you can't see without reaching the darkest bottom of your MR.

I want my STBXW to someday realize this, but I can't be the one to point that out, can you look at your LBS and understand these things? That for the LBS it's just as hard, emotionally as you?

These things I understand now, and what makes it hard on me as the LBS as well, as I am still committed to my MR, and my STBXW, and understand the depths of her anger and pain, as I feel it as well, and so I will let her go. It's not what I want, it's what she wants, and I am willing to live with that so she can be the person she wants to be.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: iwantittowork] #1798615
07/10/09 07:08 PM
07/10/09 07:08 PM
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antlers Offline
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And that's an example of true compassion! You have genuine sympathy for her suffering, and the will to help remove her pain. It's not just an emotional response...but a firm committment founded on reason. A truly compassionate attitude doesn't change even if she behaves negatively towards you. And you have this same compassionate attitude towards yourself! It's a good, no great, thing! Way to go iwantittowork! Kudos!


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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