Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[courts0818]

Just wanted to say that I agree - you do sound good. : ) Keep up the positive attitude.

Maybe being out of the house and finally hitting rock bottom will be her wake up call - esp. if she sees that it is not tearing you apart. Stay strong and positive bc if do, I really think she will notice. I'm not sure how you acted when she left the first time, but if she saw you devastated and this time you are upbeat and moving forward - that could make a difference. Let's hope it scares somes sensible, thoughtful decision making into her.

[courts0818]

Just wanted to say that I agree - you do sound good. : ) Keep up the positive attitude.

Maybe being out of the house and finally hitting rock bottom will be her wake up call - esp. if she sees that it is not tearing you apart. Stay strong and positive bc if do, I really think she will notice. I'm not sure how you acted when she left the first time, but if she saw you devastated and this time you are upbeat and moving forward - that could make a difference. Let's hope it scares somes sensible, thoughtful decision making into her.

[courts0818]

Jeez...sorry for the double post. Not sure what just happenend.

[25yearsmlc]

Stuck,

you know it may be awhile before 1) she finds herself and 1) knows it and 3) admits it...and 4) admits it to you...

Keep the road home paved and smooth--no pressure. Not now.

And don't expect a lightning bolt to wake her up overnight. This is a Long twisting journey, albeit a pain in the butt journey for YOU b/c of her, but now, you're on YOURS and that's that. While she's gone you already know some of the up sides of that. You will find more positives b/c your attitude is positive. "What can I create in my life today?" NOT the old behaviors of asking "What will she/feel/think/do and with whom or where??? How will I know? What will I say? What should my facial expression be? How long should I make eye contact if any?? ENOUGH...that's over now.

If in fact she goes, you get the place ready and set up as if she's gone--fix it in a way that makes room for new friends of the kids or yours and a fun area or something...no big bare spots/holes in the view so you get to be reminded "SHE'S GONE!!" all the time. No more of that... and tell me the sitch with the kids. Can they stay with you, and you hire someone?

Don't block her way thru this maze she has created...and start your own journey of YOU and YOUR STORY now...you know that whole "be the author of your life's novel" speech I make? Yeah? So go write YOUR life's book...no more ghost writing. And as Antler said, no more "supporting roles" for you either. You are the star of THIS show and it's on now, it's not a dress rehearsal...

((There, Have I used enough self help motivational phrases now? Hmm? Should have written one myself...hey, that'll be MY life's book!! Brilliant! ))

Sure it hurts, but it has been hurting for a while now. Time to start the healing process and that is up to you and totally you, alone. SERIOUSLY...
(( j ))

[MrBond]

Hi courts0818,

The first time she left, I was devastated at first, then got used to the idea of her being gone. She came back to help me with our daughter's skin condition which has since gotten better.

When she first moved back, she was unhappy and made sure I knew it. Then she started softening back to her old self. Lately I noticed the tension rising again. I started getting the feeling that she started getting that feeling of "being trapped" again. But during that whole time, she never pursued an actual D even though she threatened it.

I do think she needs to leave to get whatever is in her system out. Whether or not I'm still going to be around is another story.

Have you been dating while your H has been gone. As DB says, do something different. Maybe just imply that you're seeing someone and see if that snaps him out of his MLC.

[MrBond]

25yearsmlc,

I agree that it might take awhile. I think I may have to date in order for things to get started. She needs to start looking introspectively and right now she's not even close.

She can't verbalize her feelings like most women do. That's going to be her learning growth.

[sandi2]

When she moves out, make the house look like what You want. Change it up to look manly and not her womanly touch. That is often a shock to the W and it helps the H in making the place more like "his" instead of "theirs".......if you want to do that. I agree that you don't need to leave any "holes" where she took something. That would only serve to hurt when you looked at it.

You sound so much better now and I believe you will come through this happy one way or the other. You've grown a lot throughout this ordeal. I am proud of you.

[Astimegoeson]

When she moves out, make the house look like what You want. Change it up to look manly and not her womanly touch.

Good advice. A man cave atmosphere is just what the doctor ordered. Sounds trivial, but it really does do things for your outlook.

[MrBond]

Hmmm the man cave sounds good.

I'd like to change the master bedroom to make it much more Adult again.

Journaling: So for the past 3 days she's been cleaning. And I mean CLEANING. The house is spotless. Weird behavior for someone who is leaving. I come home a little apprehensive, thinking that I'll find her stuff gone or packed up. But so far, she hasn't done anything. She does seem sad at times. This really is a lost person.

So different from the first time she left when I came home everything was just gone. No goodbyes or anything. I think this is a process she feels she has to go through. I pray for her growth and maturity at this time and I hope she emerges a better person. Right now I just see someone who wants to change and feels they have to do it outside the R to do so.

She asked me if I could watch the kids on Thursday so she could go out with her friends. I told her "of course" and hope she has a good time. She really doesn't have any friends, so I hope this is all part of her "growth" period.

Anyone else's spouse turned into Mrs. Clean before they said they were leaving?

[25yearsmlc]

Stuck
before h left for the additional training year in state (300 mi away) and then again for the big move to the tundra, he came home and did massive amounts of yard work ("I"m Clearing the north 40!") and crazy house projects that we had discussed a YEAR or more earlier...suddenly he was in a frenzy. Seriously weird.

He seemed to feel proud of himself afterwards. I'm fairly sure he wanted thanks from ME...Yeah, I was not able to muster up a lot of gratitude at the time. Just thought you should know. I can't tell you what to do b/c I was too confused and angry (as if cleaning up was a big favor to me and showed him doing right by us??) but I think it happens more with women who feel they have to leave the place spotless so they feel needed when they return for visits or move back in, as it validates their worth. I don't know. Just throwing ideas out. At one point our s23 and h had a heated argument when h was demanding help with "the house projects" as if we had all voted on them and the timing... and besides, h was so critical and demanding and more or less ruining everyone's mood and dictating, that s23 said some things that weren't easy for h to hear. S23 was disrespectful in tone, BUT substantively, s23 was spot on...God that was so hard on all of us.

So glad we're past that now. (I know, "Never say never"...) None of this means anything permanent. But if you can hold your tongue from saying something negative, you'll have less to regret later. That's all I can advise you on at this point.

Good luck Stuck, and let's change that name soon too...

(( j ))