What I've learned about detaching

[steady]

Well Mike...it's not my creation. Just an accumulation of what you, WT, nds, distressed, and so many others have told me over and over again over the past year. I'm coming up on my one year anniversary of joining this board and looking back I can see how much I have really changed for the better.

At times I still struggle, but I'm telling you, I am so close to that definition of detachment...it's a beautiful thing.

The credit for what I posted above goes out to all those people here who have taught me the meaning of detachment.

[wolverine1997]

Just read your detaching post and loved it. Question though. If I detach from my wife and she decides that she wants to work things out, won't I have lost all interest in her? If I am detached why would I want to divorce bust?

[steady]

Detaching doesn't mean you don't love or care about your W wolverine. It's more about not allowing other circumstances or people (in this case your W) control you. You very well could detach and see the R more clearly and decide your W is not the person for you. Detachment takes the focus off your spouse and puts it squarely on you where it belongs.

Detaching is about having no expectations and a real knowing that you will be fine no matter which way the situation ends up. Detaching will make you much, much more attractive to your spouse because you will have become someone who is strong and independent - instead of clingy and needy. It's about knowing you don't NEED your W, but rather that you WANT to be with your W. There's a world of difference between the two.

Detachment is NOT about being cold, rude, passive aggressive, etc.. It's about not getting caught up in the drama of the spouses actions, words, trying to guess their feelings or intentions, etc...

Lovingly detach.

Detaching is the ultimate form of DB'ing. (in my opinion)

[steady]

My concern is that if I am successful in detaching, will my W perceive it as me being cold and uninterested in her...a signal for her to proceed with the next steps? We are separated but living in the same house with the kids. My DB coach as suggested that I be warm and compassionate ("kill her with kindness")as a 180.

Take the advice of your DB coach. But killing her with kindness can be done from a detached position. As a matter of fact, it will only really work from a detached position. I'll explain how I see it - If you 'kill her with kindness' but internally your true intention is to have the situation turn around to your favor then your W will sense that and will react accordingly. It could be interpreted as a form of control or a non-genuine action. If you do it because it is the right thing for you to do because it's the kind of man you want to be, then you'll project that out and that's what you're W will read. And believe me, they WILL sense the intention behind the actions.

In the former you are not detached because you are basing your actions as a control mechanism to get your W to change and do what YOU want her to do. The latter one - well you're doing it because you want to make the change in YOU, and not a change in HER. Big difference in the two.

[BigJohn]

Great post Steady. Like Mike in Phx, I too am still in the "false detachment" phase... but I am getting there. Appreciate your response to Wolverine1997 too.

[threestrikes]

Thank you for this post. You got it right.

[Looking_For_Help]

Thank you steady. Your point is well taken. Detaching is made difficult for me b/c I consistently worry how my S5 and D2.5 will be impacted by a divorce. As I regain by confidence and self-esteem, I begin to realize that I'll be fine (I'll eventually find someone else if things go south), but again, I worry about the kids. In addition, I always wonder what's going through my wife's through all of this...is this killing her like it is me or is she just happy like a clam? The fact that she hasn't filed tells me she is confuesed and unsure. Who knows.

Thanks,
LFH

[kara]

Steady

This is good stuff.

It takes awhile to get to true detachment. Of necessity and for self survival the first detachment is "forced". But as you face fears and DO WORK on yourself, you reach the point where you can "truly detach" in a loving way. You are kind, you are compassionate because you realise that doing so does not deprive you of any "power" that people speak about in relationships. be. It takes nothing away from you if that is how you are lead to conduct yourself. It does not make you small or powerless. In fact,to my mind it is not a power struggle at all. When you remove yourself from the "struggle", who does your S have to struggle with? Themselves, perhaps. But not you.

Truly detaching is a gift to self and others. It is the truest 180 of them all. That being said, it is more difficult with children in the mix, I imagine.

[ndsmhelp]

Just an accumulation of what you, WT, nds, distressed, and so many others have told me over and over again over the past year.

I don't know how I got included in there...14 months and I had no clue what detaching really was until a couple of weeks ago, and I still have a ways to go buddy.

Good stuff though. It's where we all need to start and I realize that now. It's too late for the marriage, but at least I understand where I need to be to get my ass through this and come out the other side intact...and I have no doubt that I will.

I'll be catching up with you on the other side.

Tim

[steady]

lol nds. Of course you're right there in the mix. You reiterated that stuff to me dozens of times in my threads - as did so many others who helped me throughout my sitch. There's a difference between knowing something, and knowing (where it's in your bones and you are authentically doing it) that something. I did the best doing I could do at the point I was at - but the knowing was there as I was so often reminded by a quick swat with a 2x4 or two....or eight..lol. But I didn't have the [i]knowing[/] yet. I realize now I couldn't have done anything different than what I did. I did my best with the tools I had - At this space in time, I'm better at using those same tools, but I can't go back and use them with the new skills.

As I regain by confidence and self-esteem, I begin to realize that I'll be fine (I'll eventually find someone else if things go south),

You need more of this. A lot more of this. Keep working it until it's not a thought but a genuine authentic projection from your entire being.

but again, I worry about the kids.

I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old - you bet I'm worried about the impact all of this is going to have on them. Your kids, friends, family, et... are all included in the 'keep the focus on you' mantra. The only one NOT in that circle is your spouse. You need to do what's right for you and your kids. They need a solid structure to cling to...that would be you.

In addition, I always wonder what's going through my wife's through all of this...is this killing her like it is me or is she just happy like a clam? The fact that she hasn't filed tells me she is confuesed and unsure.

These sets of lines will give you an indication of how 'not' detached you are. Stop wondering what's going through her head. It's a TOTAL, I repeat TOTAL waste of your time and energy. I'll bet she doesn't even know what's going through her mind, and if she does, it changes constantly.

You can't deduce she's confused by the fact she hasn't yet filed. There can be an infinite choice of reason(s) why she hasn't filed. Confusion is just one of many choices - you picked it because it conveniently makes you feel good. But it's just a story you are writing in your own head. You can't know what's going on in that head of hers - even if she did tell you, how do you know it's the truth? (rhetorical question)

When you see yourself wondering about some 'aspect' of your W, just giggle at yourself and say, "I'm writing a story in my head again." Do that every time you catch yourself. It really is just that - a fictional story you're writing in you head and I can bet most of the chapters are negative.

Who knows.

No one knows. Therefore, don't waste another second on it.

Detaching is the hardest thing for a WAS to do. It's the only shot you have of saving yourself. (and the kids for whoever has them)

kara - It's my opinion you are right on the money with what you wrote.