I have been lurking here a while. She gave me the news on 04/11/2009 and left with the kids. We have been married 7 years. She has told me everything from wanting me to be closer to God to me being a better father for the kids since she left. In the beginning I made all the mistakes. Calls, e-mails, apologies etc. She is living with her parents that are pushing the whole issue. We go to our first court date today as she filed paperwork 3 days after she left. We had a custody hearing about a month ago. I get glimpses of her being herself every now and then. It is so hard. She tells me that she is in love with me and knows that we are supposed to be together but God is telling her to leave. Since she left I have had Chuck as a coach and he is great. I have read all of DB and 3/4 of DR. She is starting to call me here and there but then retreats again. The pain and grief sucks. I hate this feeling. I try so hard not to think of this and to get my mind on other things but it is impossible. At least she called on fathers day but I did not get to see the kids and she did nothing besides that. She has commented to me that she sees changes in me that she has always wanted but feels like she will need "5 to 10 years to know if they are real." I decided when all this started I would give it my all during this process. That way in the end I would not look back with any regrets. I work with her brother and it is so hard. He rarely talks to me and tried to assure me the other day that her whole family wants this to work out. I just don't see it. We had been in counseling since 09/08. But once this happened she stopped. She told me that she got nothing out of it but that I should keep going. I find a lot of strength in the success stories I have read here. I feel like with time she may let her guard down enough to give things another chance. I know all of the blame does not lie on me. But I know I need to do the lion's share of the work right now if it going to work out. That I am prepared to do. I hate seeing her in pain and feel like it would be so much easier if she would just end this. I feel like the only thing I can control is myself right now. Todays court session is about custody and money(support). There was never any infidelity on her part or mine. She does not feel like she can trust me. And she has reason to believe that. We always had seperate bank accounts since we married and it really bothered her. I never knew how bad until she left. She is a stay at home mom. I tried going dark but she later told me after about two weeks of doing so that "There are some times that I see you and you are so upbeat and pleasant and I think wow he has changed, and then lately I see you and I think that is the guy I know that is the real you." So I ended that. I have been kind of a modified version of what I found seems to be working. Being polite when I see her but not calling/emailing etc. unless it is about the kids (usually once a week or less). Since this has happened we have had both kids b-days, mothers day, our anniversary, fathers day, and soon her birthday. I wish I knew how to treat this situations. I feel like I have failed so far. I have done little things for her here and there (bagles for breakfast when I pick up the kids, CD for her car, gas up her car) and she always seems super appreciative and surprised at times but it has not been the other way. I would love any help, support, or advice. I badly want things to work out. I wish I could get in her head.
Last edited by Refuse to quit; 06/24/0905:15 PM.
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
It came out in counseling that she has had a lot of trust issues since childhood with family and parents. The counselor that we were seeing and now that I am seeing only described it as triangulation. She has always had trust issues with me and every guy for that matter always being concerned about other women. I would tell her all the time how attractive she was etc. But there were times where she would accuse me of checking out a girl and I would get defensive which I know now only validated her beliefs. I wish I could change that but right now there is no opportunity.
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
Sorry to hear about your situation. Keep posting here in this thread so we can follow your progress.
Get into the kids bubble (IE call them spend time with them etc....) It is time to focus on your relationship with them. Do not let W dictate your time with them. Keep working on YOU. Everything happens for a reason. This is a great time of personal growth if you take it.....
Everything will be OK. Feel the feelings. Morn the death of the old relationship and start working on the new one.....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I have tried to get involved with the kids since all this has happened. Have taken them to the Zoo, Disneyland, park, etc. That was one of her complaints was that I did not spend enough time with them. I had b-day parties for the kids that I asked her to attend but she wouldn't. I feel like up until now my time with the kids has been dictated but that should change this afternoon in court. I wish I could see into the future.
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
Sorry Puppy, Never completly answered. No drugs, alcohol, physical abuse. We did have our fights but they were not the norm. When we did we really knew how to push each others buttons. Leading up to her leaving we had had a few bad ones but not for about a week. She told me "I fight with you like I have never fought with anyone before even my dad." (this was when she dropped the bomb) I responded "We have a relationship like no other person you have ever had a realtionship with. It is a completely different dynamic. Of course the will be deeper." I still think I am right about that. But hard to bring a rational thougth into an emotional arena. RTQ
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
WA's will say anything to justify what they are doing. That is why you're not supposed to believe any of it. Only pay attention to what they do NOT say.
