As I have stated before in the past, my exH likes to be in control of things. And, even though we have been divorced for almost 2 years and both of us have gotten married, he still tries to control situations concerning the kids. I am just wondering, how far do you "bend" in order to peacefully co-parent?
Here's the latest:
My exH has had our D15 and our S12 for the past week (according to our custody agreement, he gets the kids for one week during the summer). About 2 weeks before they went to stay with him, I sent him an email explaining to him that D15 has a week-long educational event at a nearby university. I told him I needed to know if it would be ok for her to go. I explained to him all the details, including the fact that she would need to leave for the university on the afternoon of Father's Day. I never got a response from him; but, through D15, I learned that he had said it would be ok for her to go and that he would take her.
Right after he got the kids for his week, D15 and I realized that there were some things she would need to get from me before going to the university. I told her that I would be willing to meet her and exH somewhere so that she could get these items. Up until today, that has been the plan.
This morning while talking to D15, she said that exH had said that when we meet tomorrow that he was going to let me go ahead and pick up S12 to bring him back home with me, rather than exH bringing him home later in the evening. (Cool!) But, not long after we got off the phone, D15 said exH started fussing at her and told her that he was not going to meet me anywhere. That I would have to go to HIS house to give her the things that she needs.
I refuse to do this.
ExH told D15 to have me call him when he finished watching a movie. How was I supposed to know when his movie was over? I had plans for this afternoon and evening, so I called him right then. He refused to speak to me....said he was busy and would call me later. He did, when I was at one of my events. I have yet to speak to him and at this point, I am not calling him back.
I have told D15 what I am willing to do and what I am not willing to do. I do not believe in a$$-kissing and am tired of him trying to have control of every situation that he thinks he can manipulate. D15 WILL get the items that she needs, but it won't be by me going to his house.
So, again, my question is: How far do you bend to peacefully co-parent?
Well, I DID end up calling exH....only because when I called D15 to see how she was doing, she was sick in bed.
ExH wanted to know what time I was picking up the kids tomorrow. I told him I wasn't picking them up. He wanted to know what time I was planning on getting D15 her things. I told him that I had told D15 that I would meet them sometime tomorrow between 3-5pm. He then said for me to take her things to his house and he would bring S12 home after he dropped D15 off. I told him I was not going to his house. That was not the answer he wanted to hear because he hung up on me.
I really hate trying to co-parent with him. (And to think, I have to do this for 7 1/2 more years!) I have tried to get along with him for the sake of the children; but, he is so difficult to deal with and, at this point, I am tired of trying. And, this is one time when I am sticking to my boundaries.
I am just wondering, how far do you "bend" in order to peacefully co-parent?
Deb
Hmm, I try to be fairly flexible, in the hopes that H will return the favor. If the kids benefit, it's worth it. If it harms the kids or isn't good for them, then I wouldn't. I probably am flexible 90%-95% of the time so when I am firm on something I think he at some level realizes it's not just to be difficult or a jerk. I guess just pick your battles. My H for a long time was pushing for me to pick up/drop off the kids at his apt., and I just refuse on that one. We meet at a halfway point.
I also basically never talk to him. Always friendly to him, but every time he tries to talk to me on the phone or in person, I just say email me and we'll work it out. Just did that again this am. All I really say to him anymore is hi, bye, and email me when he tries to start working out something or asking me a ?. Plus it gives you time to think about what you're willing to agree to or put up with with exes like ours if they are the pushy, controlling type.
Your poor daughter. I think that, in a case like this when your D might feel torn between the two of you and might feel like she is causing problems, I would just suck it up and bring her the things she needs. He's an a$$ - you wouldn't be doing it for him, but for her. Imagine being the 15 year old who has to wonder if or when she is going to get the things she needs...
X's. Who needs 'em, eh? Mine was{is} such a jacka$$. I would rather chew off my arm than bow to his demands. That being said I made it a practice to err on the side of what was best for my kid. The kids are the ones who lose the most when their parent is showing true colours.
I always put them first and my now grown children are thankful for the sacrifices I made. They thank me for being the parent they could always count on as well as being the sane parent. {Oh the stories I could tell about my X and his insane life.}
Thankfully the kids eventually grow up and the interaction becomes unnecessary which makes life so much nicer. Keep your eye on that prize while doing what is best for the children.
*hugs* ~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
Thanks to all of you who took the time to respond to my posts! I don't do a lot of posting on the boards anymore; but, I really needed to vent yesterday. And, I was hoping to get some feedback.
I always keep my children in mind whenever making decisions with their dad that affect them.
My D15 called me early this morning. She said her dad is bringing them home around 3pm. He is bringing them home early so that I can take her to the university. Well, actually, my oldest son attends that university and he is home today so he is going to take her up there for me when he goes home.
I am almost always nice to my exH whenever I have to deal with him...or at least I try to be. I really try hard not to talk to him; but, to communicate with him through email, mainly because he is bad for going back on his word. Too many times we have had an arrangement worked out and he comes back at the last minute and says we agreed on something totally opposite. So, I try to get everything in print so I have some sort of documentation.
As for my D15...I made sure that she knew that she would get her things, even if I had to take them to her myself because I didn't want her worrying. I just drew the line at having to go to exH's house. I love my children and I try very hard not to put them in the middle of things, even though they are old enough that they usually know when their dad is acting like an a$$ about something.
I have been told I can be a little fiesty at times; but, I assure you, I try NOT to be difficult to get along with.
Deb
P.S. My kids are home now! I have not seen them in over a week. I cannot tell you how glad I am to have them home....even though D15 is heading out now.
