K4D Rising

[K4D]

Ok. Here is my new thread.

I am working on my faith much more again. I am reading the bible much more now. I have been reading it more to my kids also.

I'm with my kids this weekend. Tonite me and D7 went for a walk. Well, she rode her scooter and I walked around the apartment complex. I came home and made spagetti and pizza and then went and got chocolate ice cream and gummy bears to put in it for them with chocolate syrup. The kids loved it.

I felt anxious today at work. But tonite I am feeling much better. Its all in trying to train the new me. Yesterday I felt excellent emotionally. My praying continues and I am trying to worry less about things.

I am going to take the kids somewhere fun tomorrow as soon as I figure out where tonite. I have a couple of ideas. Sunday it will be just me and the girls for fathers day. I'm thinking I haven't had my favorite Buffalo Wild Wings in a while. That could be good to have for fathers day. Carribean Jerk and Medium sauce wings. mmmm... yum...

I got my first utility bill today. Its kind of a reality of yup, I'm really in it now.

But you know what, I am praising God for my blessings. I am asking God to change me for the better.

As far as W goes, lets see. Last night D7 was over tired because she went swimming twice yesterday and could not fall asleep. She was very weepy and wanted to talk to her mommy. So I let her call her. Then W tried talking to me about ideas to help her get to sleep. I had tried them already. Then this morning W sent me a couple of texts asking how the kids went this morning. Other than that, it has been quiet between me and her. I'm not initiating any conversations with her. Its hard, but it is part of the new process of rising out of this along with giving us any chance at all.

I have to start finding time to work out. It is kind of hard when the kids are here during the week. I find myself wanting to be with them. But during the off weeks I am going to have to start putting in some time.

Right now D11 is on one of the laptops and D7 is playing on the playstation 3. We are all in the living room together. Its a pretty laid back Friday night.

One thing I decided is I will not blame W for anything any more or judge her on here or anywhere else. I will raise her up regardless of what the situation may be. Its part of showing unconditional love. That doesn't mean I won't state what a situation is that is occuring. But I will do it in a better light than previously without adding opinions as much as possible. If I slip up, 2x4 me. But I am going to work really hard not to do that.

Patience will be my biggest enemy right now that I must overcome. I am going to force my confidence to grow within myself. And I will be keeping my eyes on God and what he expects from me.

K4D

[K4D]

Today I am taking my kids to fossil rim wildlife center. Its about an hour and a half drive there and then about a 2 or 3 hour drive through. Its a 9 and a half mile scenic route with endangered animals that are out and about that you can feed and look at through your car. Should be pretty cool.

W called me this morning to tell me she had a windshield crack replaced in the van and where she took it. She said since I can't afford a new car that I need to look at full coverage for my camry since she has had a few things go wronog with the van lately. I was very polite and thanked her.

Last night D7 comes up to me and says "Daddy, I love you and I know we are going to have fun tomorrow no matter what we do". That really touched me.

K4D

[CityGirl]

You sound like you are finding a MUCH better path. I know it will be far more productive for YOU and your girls. The past is the past and each day we have the chance to start new and rebuild again.

Your outing with your children sounds like fun.

The one suggestion I have is to stop making yourself so available to your W. When she calls let it go to voice mail. You can always listen to it and if its not urgent or an emergency then just let it go for a while. As I said before, not all calls, e-mails or texts require an immediate response or any response at all.

Like today... what she had to tell you was not urgent and had you let it go to voice mail you could have waited until tomorrow or Monday to respond and you could have done so via text.

Honestly, full coverage on a car that is 11 yrs old is silly in my opinion and the fact that your W said you "need" to look into sort of shows that she still thinks she is boss. You could have simply responded by text saying "thanks for the suggestion, perhaps I will give the insurance provider a call and see if it would be cost effective for me". That way you didnt jump when she called, you didnt agree to do what she told you to do but you didnt just blow it off either.

I think if you can start practicing small things like that the larger issues will become easier to deal with. And it will for sure be a total 180 for you and she will take notice. Wow, Kevin is no longer taking my calls all the time and he isnt jumping through hoops when I tell him to do something. The "power" will shift and maybe not between you and your W but you will certainly regain your own personal power.

Like you said - you paying your own rent and utilities and now anything car related on YOUR vehicle is up to you to decide. That is what separation is all about and I am not really sure your W has had a really good taste of a true separation from you yet.

[25yearsmlc]

Kev
Am very glad to see the new Kev. Glad you met faithfulH. (Very glad).

Full auto insurance coverage for an 11 y/o car is not something I'd do at all and totally agree with CG on this. Please don't do that before reading up.

It costs a lot to fully cover an older car & You could put that extra money instead toward a new/newer used car down the road and if, in the mean time, your car gets damage that you have to repair (not a little dent) you'll have the money to pay yourself b/c you'll have that stashed away and that's only IF it's even worth repairing b/c a dent in an old car is no biggie. Having a cleaner (cheaper) insurance record will save you money too. Going to a driver's ed class one Saturday also lowers your costs for insurance btw. Consumer Reports suggests no "self" coverage for cars older than 5 years old unless they are very pricey to own, and always at a HIGH deductible, (at least a $500 deductible) and says the average consumer saves even if they hit someone every other year. (You might want to research their latest advice as I read that some time ago.)

Regardless, why is this any business of your stbxw? It's odd and controlling and maybe a maybe a bit condescending. Detach. Be a duck that lets it roll right off your back and into the water... Don't buy into it and don't respond so fast to any of this. If you have the kids, what's there to discuss with her? Did you say the detachment piece FaithfulH recommended, help you?

Hope so.
j-

PS given that you admit you are an alcoholic, are you attending regular AA meetings? Have you gone to any? You might be ready for a real spiritual awakening, as often happens when people admit being powerless over something...and asking a power greater than themselves, for help. The meetings will support many of your goals. Getting a sponsor will also help you. Talking to people who's lives have been similarly damaged will mean a lot and the meetings change people. They really do. (No, please don't tell your wife about it). Just let the changes show as they occur in you.

[K4D]

I am posting this one on my old and new thread.

I agree I am not going to get full coverage on an 11 year old car.

Yes I did read through the detachment link that FaithfulH gave me and I am going to read through it again.

Yesterday me and my girls ended up going to the Forth Worth Zoo instead of the other thing because they didn't want to be in the car that long. So we had a great time at the zoo. At one point I got the girls each a stick with feed on it so they could feed the birds in a section. Each one managed to get a bird on their stick eating and wanted me to take a picture and send it to their mom. So I did. We ate dinner after we left.

During the drive to the zoo D7 asks me why mommy wants to D me. I did say that is a question for her mommy. She then said it makes hers and D11's lives so much harder. This tore me up inside. I talked to FaithfulH about it breifly and he steered me in the right direction. Say nothing to W and focus on being the best dad I can and let W see it and not hear about it. So I did as he said. This is significant on down in this post towards the end of mine and W's conversation.

I was pretty warn out from the sun and walk and not sleeping much the night before. So I fell asleep early last night. We ate lunch/dinner about 4 pm and I had stuffed their guts. Then later I gave D7 a snack of carrots and ranch dressing. Anyways about 10:30 D11 calls her mom because I am sleeping and didn't pop out of bed right away and she says she is hungry. So W calls me and says whats up. I said D11 has plenty of things that she knows how to make to eat. I have stocked it full of stuff that she can make to eat. At most I figured she needed a snack after stuffing their guts earlier. So D11 made herself something and ate and D7 had a sandwich. I got up to check on them and then they went to bed.

Ok, this morning... MAJOR BREAK THROUGH??? First time in 9 months of a compliment from W??? Keep in mind that I had already told W that lets not spend fathers day together this year and that we could look at it in the future and that I believe God is working on teaching me unconditional love. If you remember, she was unphased which is fine, but it was supposed to be more for me to start detaching and truly giving her space and time.

10 am this morning W starts IMing me.

W: Happy Fathers Day
W: I hope you and the girls have a good day
K4D: Thank you
W: you're welcome
W: and i wasn't mad at you last night. i was frustrated at the situation.
K4D: Yes. I'm sorry
W: things happen. it's fine.
W: we just need to teach them what to do in those situations
K4D: They had woken me
K4D: I just hadn't jumped up
W: brats
W:
K4D: I just now woke up if that tells you how tired I was
W: yup
W: im still recuperating from friday night myself
K4D: If I couldn't wake up, I would not have answered the phone when you called
W: didn't sleep well... fell while we were out partying. skinned my knee pretty bad.
W: you didn't answer.... D7 did.
K4D: Ok. Well I still talked to you
W: yup
K4D: And I heard the phone ring
W: alright.... gotta get ready to go. i hope you three do something fun today.
K4D: Fun was yesterday
K4D: Today is laundry and packing
K4D: Probably a bite to eat
W: oh i see
W: ok
W: so... guess what i got papa for father's day
K4D: Don't know
W: i finally... after 12 years found the perfect gift for him
K4D: Ok
W: 2 conspiracy theory books: 100 coverups is one and the other is the encyclopedia of conspiracies and conspiracy theories
W:
K4D: Lol
W: perfect, right!?!?!
K4D: You are right
W: i can't wait to give them to him!
K4D: Couldn't be better
W: thanks. i've been cracking up about them since i saw them
K4D: I'm sure he will love them
W: yeah. me too.
K4D: Just be prepared for more talking
W: well... i've gotta get ready to go. we're going to the SAME darn place we've been to a few times now
K4D: Ok
W: oh yeah... i already warned mom and everyone else that papa's really going to talk our ears off about this stuff now
K4D: Enjoy
W: talk to you later then!
W: hey....
K4D: Yes?
W: we'll be done with everything pretty early today. wanna grill some steaks out tonight? i dont like the idea of you not getting a father's day meal or something
K4D: Ok. What time?
W: 6?
K4D: Ok. Sounds good
W: you are a good dad, Kevin. and you deserve it
K4D: Thanks. I'm working hard at it
W: i can tell. we can talk about what steaks and stuff later.
W: bye!
K4D: Bye

All I can say is praise God. To him I give all the glory and will continue to do so. Also, I had a dream last night that me and W were getting back together. I don't know when. But at some point. In the dream we were hanging out somewhere and we were talking and having a good time. And at some point I remember saying so does this mean we are back together? And she said yes it does.

That dream gave me hope this morning.

I have to just keep working on myself and being patient as well as trying to detach.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Happy Father's Day Kevin,

Please simply accept a compliment from your wife, the first in months, as all it was. It's Father's Day and she said something nice to you. Please do not jump on this and push her back again. Note that She also mentioned how HER birthday without you went....how wild it must have been, etc. What about the detachment did you not read?

Stay focussed on the Fathering role b/c that's all that is getting you anywhere anyhow. Re-read the Detachment again and again and don't jump on this. You are right when you say that your impatience is your enemy and the enemy could throw you a bone to make you jump again and blow it. Don't fall for that.

If you rush in every time you get a mere compliment (on a holiday--when we ALL make an effort to say something kind to our fathers or spouses), you'll stay stuck so much longer. Stay on track, and detach. Otherwise it's as if every time you see a sign or progress, you blow it b/c you get too excited and rush in to push and push....and you know deep down you are only beginning the journey toward being ready to be her h anyhow. Why rush this when taking it slowly is the only thing that has gotten you anywhere?

Enjoy the day. Leave tonight before being asked to. Be in a "hurry" to get back to your place b/c you have a life (even without her)...remember the GAL? The tiny bit of mystery? So have a nice dinner, eat dessert if there is one, and go.
J-

[K4D]

Thanks 25,

I am rereading detachment. I won't stay longer than to eat tonite. I have things to do to get ready for tomorrow anyways and D7 is staying the night with me so W can take D11 up to church camp early in the morning.

I think I was just so stunned to get a compliment after so long even if it is fathers day it just really through me for a loop. The fact that she actually thinks I'm not this totally horrible person for a change was nice to see.

Hopefully what she said was the truth. I know it is a long road ahead. And I will act like I am GALing tonite and not stay long.

Yes I know that she talked about her wild party without me there. I am so aware that I am completely removed from her emotionally and this is nothing more than she at least cares about me as the father of her kids. At least that is a starting point to build on for a long journey.

I am still very thankful for even that though as little as it is.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

K,
that is a good way to look at it. A starting point in a long journey, that requires you staying on a narrow path so you can get where you want to go.

No matter what happens, God has something in mind for you, so trust Him with that.

J-

PS
Have you made any child care arrangements for the summer or fall school year for when you have the girls? What's been happening with them this summer?

[K4D]

Yes, I have taken care of child care arrangements. They have been going to the rec center which is where they will be for the summer. They were already enrolled at the time that I let them stay home for a few hours. I pay my half of that every 2 weeks when payment is due. I have not let them stay home since that one time. They go every day regardless of the situation.

At the rec center they get to go on field trips, go swimming, watch movies, have a petting zoo come to them, etc etc. They are enjoying it.

The only thing I wonder is if my journey is now longer than what it might have been since the A is over and she has moved on to dating and I didn't handle things right from the beginning. I guess time will tell on that. In the mean time, I am focusing on me and the kids and praying.

I also reread the process of detaching.

Kevin

[K4D]

Well,

Here is how tonite went. We cooked food and ate desert. While we were cooking food, W tells me all about her birthday party and what she did this weekend. Apparently there were some relatives in town. I said oh, nobody told me. I would have like to have seen them. She said the relatives partied hard and slept most of the time. W tells me she is sorry I couldn't be there for her party. I told her she didn't want me there. She said it was supposed to be mainly just women, but her stepdad was there and her sisters boyfriend was there.

So during the meal she asks me what all I have to do tonite. I said I have to finish packing D7 and getting ready for the week since D7 is staying with me tonite. She said don't worry about that and that she will just come by and get D7's stuff tomorrow night and that she could use my help with getting D11 ready tonite. Ok. So after the meal she decides she isn't going to go to the store to finish getting D11 stuff and she will just do it in the morning. So we are standing in the kitchen talking afterwards and she asks me if I am going to go ahead and get D7. In other words its time for me to leave. I say yup and call D7 and we start to head out. W pats me on the back. We joke a bit heading out the door. Then I leave with D7 and now I am back at the apartment.

I was a little confused because she had said she wanted my help and then basically said it time for me to leave. I had planned on leaving without being asked. But the way things happened, that didn't occur.

She also continued to tell me about her summer plans and trips she will be taking. I told her about some great ideas of things to do with the kids. She thought they were good.

Just another reminder tonite that this is going to be a very long journey.

The dinner was great.

I am definitely praising God for my evening but at the same time realizing that he wants me to learn great patience and rely on him.

I also realized again tonite how difficult it is to be with W and hear about how great her life is going to her and know that at this time, there are no plans for me to be in it.

Back to praying and working on my faith in God as well as working on myself.

I did hug D11 and told her that I will miss her while she is away at camp.

Kevin