I'm looking for advice on what helped you get through the emotions you felt once you learned about the affair (and were sure it was over). I know I should believe him when he compliments me, takes interest in me, etc., but I'm struggling with the other thoughts that pop into my mind. I do use the "stop" technique at times, but not always. Maybe I am just beating myself up and don't want to hear what he wants me to hear. I know I should believe him because he has given me no reason not to since he told me about the affair. Perhaps I'm just still struggling with believing in myself. So, how did you get yourself out of the hole - or am I still depressed and can't see it?
A lot of what help you deal with the emotions is time. I tried to read several self-help books but I just wasn't "there" yet. Sorry I don't know much about your situation. Was the affair going on for a year? Why did he tell you? Are you taking AD medication? Going to counseling?
Posting and talking it all out helped me. My marriage did not survive as he still continues the affair with this woman. The only thing about him that concerns me is the kids and how he pushes for their relationship with OW.
Keep posting and I will try to help if I can.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Yes, please post a bit more info and then others can post and help you more also. I agree with Kat, time helps. IC helps if you're doing that, and def. helped me. I found that prayer helps me, but I know that's not for everyone. I do think if your M is going to work at some point you have to forgive and move forward, but I think it prob. takes a period where the WAS has to earn your complete trust also, not an instant process. Karen
The affair happened in October of 2007 (started and ended in same month). He was going to tell me in Dec 07, but then my mother suddenedly died. He vowed then not to tell me for a year, so I didn't find out until Dec 08.
He says he knew it was wrong and that is why he ended it. He also told me he had no contact with OW since then, however, I discovered they had a business dinner in April 08. He is convinced it never happened even though the evidence which he can't deny shows it happened. I personally think he has blocked that meeting from his memory because I honestly think he doesn't think she was there. He's supposed to start IC counseling next month, but I don't think he has found anyone yet.
Anyway, back to me, after Mom died, I started IC and ended it in Jan 09 (even though the A had only been revealed 2 months prior). I wasn't getting a lot out of it anymore and my H and I started MC. That lasted through February. Our marriage actually was back on the right track by then. I hate the fact that Mom had to die for that to happen, but I can't change that. H and I were having great discussions and he was completely honest about the whole affair. He did all the right things - complete transparency, answered all questions without hiding anything, etc.
I know our M will work if I let it. I jsut feel like I'm holding back now. Perhaps I want to punish him. Sometimes I feel like I was never really able to get mad at what happened because it was 14 months after the fact when I found out. Yes,I was angry, but I never really expressed it. How could I since everything was already over and done? If I do it now, I look like I'm just trying to punish him for an old crime. So instead, I just trying to doubt what he says now since I was so gullible and beleived it all before.
Just because it happened in the past and it was over and done with doesn't mean that you have no right to feeling betrayed and angry as a result. You just found this out recently so of course you are feeling those doubts now.
It is perfectly reasonable to want to hold your emotions back. Maybe as punishment, maybe not, maybe just as a sign of caution because let's face it, he betrayed your trust. So of course you would be weary of putting your 100% trust in this man who has a poor track record.
Now the good news is the transparency and the fact that he came clean. BTW, are you sure?
You have every right to feel the feelings you are experiencing and if he really do love you and want to work on this marriage, then you guys need to talk about your VERY VALID feelings and work on them TOGETHER. Not as a sign of punishment. Just validation, acknowledgement and then and only then, will you feel safe again to trust this man.
Time alone will not fix things. Building trust again. Following through on big and small things. Doing exactly what he says he's going to do. That is what will fix your R. If he doesn't acknowledge that and feels persecuted, then you have another kettle of fish in your hands and you need C to deal with those issues.
Is that more clear?
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
