Ok do I actually love my H? That’s the question I’ve been pondering on and off since my H left. Or do I simply love having a complete family and my H is part of that? The dream that we will grow old together surrounded by grandkids?
After moving out in May, a friend of mine gave me a book, "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolles. One chapter dealt with the fact many people are "addicted" to being in a relationship rather than really being in love.
The relationship covers up a lot of things, loneliness, socialization, financial, so many people hang on to unhappy relationships.
I've been trying to figure out for four months if that is me. Do I really love my W and want her back or was I just "addicted" to being married.
I still don't know the answer. When I'm busy and have things to do, I don't think about her much. When I'm alone and trying to kill time, I think about W all the time.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I've been trying to figure out for four months if that is me. Do I really love my W and want her back or was I just "addicted" to being married.
I have thought about this as well. I really enjoyed being married and would tell those getting married in my department the same thing. One person at work once made the comment that I was the only person who said that to him, and that he never heard me put down my wife.
I am not suggesting I was perfect, but I always held her in high regard and was proud of her accomplishments. She was a single mother at 17 and buried her own mother while she was pregnant and her father (a functional alcoholic from what I am told) six years later. I now understand that these childhood issues, combined with the empty-nest syndrome and a hysterectomy, contributed to her MLC.
I still believe I loved my ex-W, but now see there were problems that needed to be more seriously addressed (debt, for one). We all have our moods, but I now see that, especially towards the end, she has a temper and tended to put me down whenever the chance presented itself.
In addition to sometimes asking myself 'do I really want her back?', I also ponder 'why was I attracted to her in the first place'.
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
Had a bit of a break to ponder all the above. Thanks ClingingtoHope I’ve got the book ordered along with another ‘Learned Optimism’ from Amazon. I seem to be going into overdrive with self-help books.
I’m beginning to turn the situation round really slowly. My H has gone from accusing me of turning everyone against him and trying to keep the kids away from him in the summer to being seemingly more relaxed in my company. I can only attribute this to me finally getting it and dropping the rope entirely, over the past couple of years I’ve had many false starts and back slides. I no longer contact him unless he contacts me first and then I only reply when I have to, mostly this contact is by email although I do send an occasional text reply just to mix it up a bit. Having said that when we have face to face contact I make it as pleasant and as non threatening as possible. I’m relaxed and happy in myself and it usually rubs off on him when he’s around. The times this hasn’t worked has been when he’s being getting stress from OW.
If he wants something from me he still asks one of the kids to ask me, I always reply directly. It’s a personal boundary not to involve the kids and one I will continue to uphold. But I uphold it without making a fuss I just reply directly the way I want to, that’s it, no drama.
He still has OW, but I can handle it now. It’s just a fact, so what. I don’t ask about her or their R I don’t want to know. He never mentions her to me, sometimes I wonder if he mentions me to her?
I’m happy and at peace. I’ve given this my best shot, I’ll continue to DB to the best of my ability and just see how it plays out.
I’m ready if he wants to D, it’s not what I want but I’m ready.
Yet sometimes I still wish we could turn back the clock, as I remain convinced that my H has jumped ship before we were done and given knowledge gained here we would be able to sort out our differences and reconcile. But I can’t control that so have to let it go.
Last week we had a family event and I think I saw a fleeting moment of the H I married and one who seemed to be pondering the new improved me. Then a bit of a pull back which in a way confirms that he's thinking about things. Or maybe I'm just an eternal optimist.
Reconciliation if it comes will be considered then and not before.  
I'm not naturally patient I have to kid myself that I've given up, forget about it and get on with my life. Works most of the time.
H's coming round to do some work round the house, he's knows I'm not going to be there. Not sure why he needs to avoid me, just maybe I remind him that he could have made a mistake. The GAL stuff has changed me immensely, that and getting over my 'empty nest syndrome' years. I've made changes for the better that I know he can see, but refuses to mention. Ah well that brings us back to patience
It's interesting that H chooses to work at a time when you are not there. Think you're right, your presence makes him feel uncomfortable; it questions his decision making. It's a positive that he's helping out, that's for sure.
It would be more of a positive if he actually did something when he got here. Apparently turned up late did one thing and spent the rest of the time talking the the kids. Good to see him spending more time with the kids though.
I've been following your sitch Cas and can see that Gucci has some great advice, perhaps it's time to dusk off the dancing shoes and get out there? How scary is that?
