One of my requests was that he end his Affair Friendships... I didnt want him to continue talking to her nasty little friends, by little I really mean it, none of them were over 20!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I've been spending all this time getting my house ready to sell.. so much work, so much clutter tossed.. so much cleaning going on.. and I'm in a much better place now. I spent the entire day cleaning all the screens (lots of dust from wood floors put in, refinishing etc), my son washed the windows and cleaned the frames, my daughter treated them with lemon oil. Guess what? I can see clearly now.. it sparkles.
It had stayed dirty so long because I wasn't really sure about the right way to clean the screens, to do the whole process. I tried but it never completely worked, then I ignored it even though I hated how they looked. Today I googled all the ways to clean them, found a way I could do it.. and went for it.
Growing through this is a lot like my window/screen experience. The fear of not doing it right kept me from trying it at all. When I was unsuccessful I saw myself as a failure and dropped all motivation. Now I educate myself, try it and get help doing it.
Whatever you and your spouse agree to, make sure it feels right for the Beautiful Heart who's emerged with the sure confident stride. It doesn't have to be perfect, just keeps the momentum.
Where does it all start for you?
Why not at friendship? You have a great bullsh*t meter and know your inner voice. It's a different world where you're both equals. I loved reading "Codependent No More".. goodness, it described me to a T.. I was shocked.
A relationship is based on sharing, on being involved with each other and maintaining healthy boundaries. And it's a two way street.
The parameters you've set are great. About your spouse's friend... What Hope4us wrote a great suggestion. What does your inner voice say?
Ahh....I am so blessed. Ready, my wonderful friend who stayed strong until the end with your wife. You have always been and will always be a wonderful father and giving man. Its funny that you should ask if I have read "The Secret". I bought a copy back in Sept when I was starting to lose hope. I started a gratitude journal and everyday I wrote that my H was going to come back to me. By Oct, the anger became to much and I thought I no longer wanted that.....funny how the Universe will give us what we want in ITS time. I am still trying to learn the lesson of patience. It does not come very easily for me, which is why I probably keep getting smacked with new lessons.
Hope4us, I love what you said. It makes complete since. I will not come off as me being controlling,yet I get to state my boundaries. I dont have to engage with people I do not like or respect and I can see how eventually those kind of friendships will dwindle away. My H has already stated that he just doesnt feel as close to this male friend as he use to (all without me saying a peep). I will state my boundaries without trying to control him. Thank you for that suggestion, it really helped.
Gypsy, my courageous friend....I hope you are still singing at the top of your lungs and life is as beautiful as your voice. Its amazing how much we dread the process of purging and cleaning, yet it serves to cleanse our souls and mind as well. I avoided such things for so long because they meant exceptance for the ending of my M. Funny how once I truly moved on things changed once again.
Thank you for your confidence in me, it gives me strength. I agree, friends first, yet it is so hard to accomplish when it with someone that you know so deeply, so intamately. I am insisting on small steps, one day at a time. I will read the book you suggested because I never want to be in that old realtionship again. And Gypsy, you are the one who is truly phenomenal. You have inspired me in so many ways. Thank you for that. I know one day you will recieve even more love then you thought ever possible.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Its funny the talks H and I are having....so many triggers I thought I let go of. For instance, we were emailing eachother back and forth about something mundane and then I sent a really funny responce to him. He replied back that he had to pick himself up off the floor from laughing so hard. Then it hit, the trigger.....all I kept thinking was "Did he think she was as funny as me? Did he even miss my since of humor?" He reassured me once I asked him these questions, but I was still blindsided by the insecurity that the moment brought.
We had a discussion today about how I was feeling that he was only using words and not actions. He has not sent a NC letter to maggot yet and that is bothering me. Also, I sent him the first chapter to a story that I have been writing to get his input on it. I was told that he would read it when he got time. He has not read it and he has had it for 5 days. I told him that when he left the first time he made so many declarations and promises, only to not follow through. This time I need to see action, I need to see him making the effort. I was not going to open my heart back up to him if he was not capable of loving me as equally as I was capable of loving him. This meant he had to rebuild my trust towards him and he better d@mn well start following through when it came to things that are important to me. He told me he would make a better effort, he didnt mean to let these things slip, his world is just spinning so fast with everything that has happend in the last week. He is just trying to see straight but has every intention of following through.
This then lead to a conversation where he said he felt his triggers occuring...he felt as if I was trying to control him by making these demands. He understood that I needed the NC letter and that I wanted him to read my stuff, yet he felt he was doing the best he could with all of the differnt feelings that were bubbling to the surface. He knew I was not trying to control him, this was his own fear talking, yet those emotions could be very powerful if he didnt get them back into check. He then admitted that his biggest fear is that I am just not going to stick around.
How funny is that??!!?? He is the one who left me, I waited months and months and months for him to see the light. I told him that I was never the one who gave, he was the one who abandoned me. I am still open to making this committment to fixing our M, but he needed to step up and take some action. We will see if he is truly capable or not, time will tell. Until then, I am hopeful for the best but still gaurded.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Once again my head is spinning. H came over for a little while today, I invited him to go and see Land of the Lost and then he ended up buying S9 dinner and coming back to the house. We started talking and I asked if he had heard from maggot.....he said yes, she sent an email yesterday but he did not reply. He still has not sent the NC letter and for some reason I started to get upset. I told him that I needed to see his email account and his facebook account right now. I wanted to know if she was still on it and he said yes she was. I asked him why and he said he has not signed into it lately because things have been so hectic. I told him she had to be removed, today, right now.
So we go over to my computer and he signs into his email account and there are email exchanges starting from when he moved out of her place. They were all pretty much how are you doing? Good and you? Just a couple of lines between the two of them. And then I found one of them said that his bed felt empty. I started to shake uncontrollably and told him to just leave, he needed to get out. I told him that he has betrayed me once again and I am not interested in this path. He begged me to listen to him, wanted to explain. Told me that he just felt this was plesantries to gracefully end their relationship. Said that every time he responded to her emails he felt awful inside, yet kept telling himself that he was just letting her go gradually. He said it wasnt about her at all, it more like getting affirmation that maybe he was missed.
We had had a conversation a couple of nights ago where I told him why it was so important to have NC. The OW was like a drug, an addiction and if he didnt go cold turkey it would still be there. Most people say it takes about 3 weeks of NC to get over the need to have the fix that the OW brings. He then said "BH, it made me realize exactly what I was going through. I didnt want her at all anymore, yet I still was craving the ego stroke she represented to me. I thought I could just gradually fade away, a little step at a time. I can now see it cant work that way. It was my people pleasing personality that wanted to make sure she still liked me as a person.....that is why I also felt so awful after each exchange." He said that is why he didnt respond when she contacted him the last time and he never will again.
I asked him if he realized that he had just spent a week lying to me about it. He said he never lied.....I said H you knew that my boundaries meant NC with her and yet you did it. That is lying through omission. I just dont know if I can even trust you enough to move forward. We talked A lot more after that and he blocked her from his email account and his facebook account. In the begining I was insisting that he give me his passwords and he kept saying that it would violate his privacy with his other friends. He didnt feel right about me being able to read their thoughts that they wrote to him. I promised him that I would never read them and we went round and round. Finally I just said you know what, it doesnt make a F#CKING diff if I have your passwords or not.....if you contact her you will just delete it right away and I will never know or you will just open another account and have her email you there. I told him this was his one free slip up but if ANYTHING like this EVER happend again, he could kiss any kind of contact with me goodbye. I then said that he needed to send the NC tomorrow, no ifs, ands, or buts......and if he didnt, no more me.
I just dont know what to do. We did have a very open conversation about things, yet I am still torn up that he emailed her a couple of times. When I asked why in the h#ll would he say to her that his bed felt empty.....that was saying that he wished she was there. He responded by saying he knows that that is what he was saying, but he really did not miss her there. He was hoping that she would respond back that hers was empty as well so that he could feel that maybe he was at least a missable person. She didnt though. That was the only email like that, the others were just mundane how are you kind of things. Still......
I told him he better start showing me some actions soon or that was it, I was done. Part of me believes everything he said, he seemed genuine, but the other part of me is so scared that I feel like I just dont even want to chance anything with him. He already hurt me so badly once, I dont want to go through that pain again.
What are your thoughts? I thought about forcing him to give me all of his passwords, but that isnt a garauntee that he is maintaining NC. His phone is a company phone so I cant get call records. He can easily set up a different email account. There is no way for me to check text messages. How do I get transparency when he doesnt even live here? I dont know what to do to gain that trust back.
ARRRGGGG!!!!! This suxs! Oh, and then he calls me after he gets home to tell me that he truly does love me from the bottom of his heart and he is going to do whatever it takes to make us work. He is spinning so much right now....there are so many things pulling him in so many different directions and he feels overwhelmed, but he wanted me to know that he was committed to me no matter what. I told him that maybe we should just not see eachother for a while so that he can get his head on straight. He needs to fix himself and I am not willing to be his crutch any more. He said that his heart didnt like that option, he is hoping that there is a way for him to find himself while helping to heal us. Well, dont contact your maggot any more for starters!!!! I keep going from hopeful to spitting mad.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
You sound scary to me, out of control. Can you start to discuss things with him other than getting very emotional. Maybe matter of fact telling him, to get the NC letter to you today, so you would put it in the mail.
What a great job venting! I like how you get it all out there.. this is going to sound very wrong.. but you know me.. well.. I'm just going with this image and hope it's not too offensive.
It reminds me of when I'm really sick and vomit. Sometimes it's bile, sometimes it's err.. chunky. For some reason, I try and identify them. Then I flush the toilet, rinse my mouth, clean and wash my hands, feeling much better.
What are the.. nuggets... that came out? Simple statements on both sides.
Piecing is not pointing fingers.. I'm guessing it's finding out how it works starting over.
Where are you in this post, this picture? The Heart that shined forth.. all the strides you've made? Is what you two are doing working? Counseling doesn't have to be marriage, it can be couples. Perhaps seeing a professional on how to lay the framework of reconciliation would be helpful. Looking from the outside in.. as an individual you've developed tremendously, as a 'couple' it's still a raw wound.
People say that piecing is by far more difficult than anything. Why not have a professional with the right tools to help. After all, you'd go to see a doctor to care for a broken bone.
I empathize with the pain in your heart, with the 'how can he be such an idiot' frustration. You got to the good place in your life by setting up boundaries that helped you heal. Do what works.
Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't trust him, what do you do? It's like counting to 3 with a child.. "If you don't do X by the count of 3... 1... 2.... 2 1/2.. 2 3/4.. 2 7/8.. 2 8/9.." and never making it to 3.
Go back to square one. What do you reasonably do if he can't commit to the deal breaker? What would your reaction be to a friend, boyfriend doing that? What do you need to move forward. No emotion, no spraying can of whoop ass.. what is your course of action when your expectations aren't met.
It takes two. Take accountability for your actions. Look for his. After all, actions speak louder than words.
About the LETTER OF NO CONTACT.. my goodness.. hasn't that gotten to be bigger than anything! That mess is his to clean. The focus on the symptom rather than the cure.
Step back.. realize your anger, see what is and isn't healthy for you.. and go back to what works. One tiny step, not the marathon sprinted.. a nibble, not the all you can eat buffet.. a nod not a roll in the hay..
Get help for you... cause you've done lots of work on a broken heart.. and I wanna see the beauty of your healed heart flowing through!
You sound like your handeling things well. I have gone through most of the same process your M has gone through and now I have been successful at reconciliation for over a year since last may. We just moved back in together in the end of april. It has taken a year to heal and their is still more healing to go. Take it step by step.
Be patient Be kind Dont over-react Be sure of your needs and wants Prepare for frustrations and roadblocks (such as this first one - with the NC). Let them prove to you they love you over time. Every time you get through a road block, you will heal even more. Pray.
You have a long haul ahead towards healing and reconciliation, it takes time and patience. Let him do a lot of the work and do what you know you should to be loving (despite the past pains).
Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. So keep your boundaries, but also know that sometimes people will continuously mess up. This doesnt mean it has to be over, you can always take a break from him again for a week (or a few if necessary). Let him get through his drama, then he will be so much more of a good H to you. It takes a while. My H went back and forth with drama for about a year. Now I can finally see him approaching the other end.WHew!!!!
