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BigJohn Offline OP
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Hope,

My thoughts exactly. Thank you for the words of encouragement.

Take care.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Why does the wife make my bed where she does not sleep in? She has not been sleeping in the spare room either only on the couch. What does this mean she only knows bc she won't tell me anything and I am not about to ask. But then today she can so cold to me by the way of avoiding me,not interested in taking care of things at the house. Etc. I came up behind her today and kissed the side of her neck w no reaction I have been coming home late from work and kisssing her on the cheek when she is on the couch bc I really think affection is going to win her back but slowly of course. It seems certain days things r good and others she only cares about facebook and solitaire on her BB.

Until next time


M:35
W:36
M:10 yrs
T:11.5 yrs
C: B7, G3
ED: 3/09
DB: 3/20/09
Served 12-8-09
Still going through the process
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BigJohn Offline OP
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Jman,

Sorry I can't offer any insight as to why your W is doing what she is doing. Hope things are going better for you.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Originally Posted By: Jman
She still is acting like nothing is her fault even though she admitted to cheating on me.

Just like Sandi mentioned in the earlier posts it is just crazy and frustrating the WAW mentality.

Things are not uncomfortable while the kids are awake but once they go to bed she turns into someone else just trying to avoid me like the plague.


Sorry to hijack - but Jman, just saying you're not alone. I don't have much advice, I just want to say HANG IN THERE. I call my H "Dr. Jekyl and MR. Hyde." And, I"m constantly to blame for everything. The other night, my H actually said to me that he didn't want to be in the same house with me, even if I was on the other side, in another room with the door shut, because my mere presence irritates him. Really? That's supposed to be my fault? Sheesh.


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Thanks everyone,
I am doing ok for me and the kids the W its another story of course. She told me tonight that she is miserable and has been for several years and stressed and that the only reasons she has not left is bc of the kids and finances. So I said u need me here for the money and she said no so I said I told u that u can leave then and go be with the other man. She told me that was not it either. She said she was not going to be codependent of me anymore. That's funny bc she was driving her truck with no oil in it until I did an oil change and added oil to it yesterday. But she thinks she is a big girl and does not need me anymore. What BS!! Oh. I asked her that do u think u can have another relationship wo the probs we have and she said that she is not na´ve that she knows she will have probs like this in another R. Wow am I missing something here she is making so much sense to justify wanting to leave me. She just has it so bad even though I still have the majority of the resp around the house with the kids, dog, house, finances etc. But she is the one miserable and stressed!!??

I reiterated to her again that I was not going to file for D and that our probs are not uncommon for what is going on in Marriages and that if we gave 100% to MC it is issues that we can work through and left it at that.

Can someone answer this question for me? What is a marriage and is there marriages that are not co dependent? Am I missing something here??? I thought marriages are codependent on some level due to vows, having children, sharing resp with one another amongst everything else life throws at u?
I must have a real twisted version of what M is suppose to be then and that is what led to my demise??

I am up this late due to the W forgetting to put a sleep diaper on My D and I am washing sheets and blankets and clothes waiting for them to dry to give her a clean blanket. She has a special blankie she sleeps with and I waiting just for that I have changed everything else. I went in the spare room and said our D was put to bed with no Diaper on and left it at that and walked away. Well the dryer is done and I am going to try to get a few more hrs sleep before going to work at the FD. I guess this is just like a call in the middle of the night so.

Until next time


M:35
W:36
M:10 yrs
T:11.5 yrs
C: B7, G3
ED: 3/09
DB: 3/20/09
Served 12-8-09
Still going through the process
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
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BigJohn Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Jman
She told me tonight that she is miserable and has been for several years and stressed and that the only reasons she has not left is bc of the kids and finances.


Jman,

As you know, my W has it equally horrible. She has had such a tough life, well it's just sad. She has it so bad that I recently had a friend ask me about my W: "Do we have a substance abuse issue here (with my W)?"

Quote:
I asked her that do u think u can have another relationship wo the probs we have and she said that she is not na´ve that she knows she will have probs like this in another R. Wow am I missing something here she is making so much sense to justify wanting to leave me. She just has it so bad even though I still have the majority of the resp around the house with the kids, dog, house, finances etc. But she is the one miserable and stressed!!??


My W has something similar about "having to watch out for her issues" in her next R. Uh, wouldn't it be better to work on yourself now in the context of your MR to save yourself from making the same mistakes twice? Apparently not.

Funny you should mention your W being the one miserable when you are shouldering the majority of the not so fun "work" around the house. I was talking to my mom the other day when she made a similar observation about my MR in that I did the majority of the "dirty work"/work while my W did the majority of the "fun stuff". She said it was amazing that my W would have the audacity to bitch and moan about me always working and doing things to keep the household up and running and not make the connection in the disparity between who is having "fun" vs. who is doing the dirty work.

This is one of the benefits I'm finding in detaching- I am really starting to see my MR with my W more clearly- and it's really starting to piss me off. In many ways, my W has taken advantage of me and now she has the audacity to cheat on me, complain, act as though I can do no right, etc. Unbelievable.

Quote:
Can someone answer this question for me? What is a marriage and is there marriages that are not co dependent? Am I missing something here??? I thought marriages are codependent on some level due to vows, having children, sharing resp with one another amongst everything else life throws at u?


Agreed. I don't think you are missing anything here.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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BJ, and JMan, remember boundaries. (Isn't that why you started the Robx and Coach thread in the first place, BJ?) The Spouses need boundaries and limits. Do you think it's true they don't do their part? If so, they need to appreciate you more. IF they are doing a lot of work around the house that you don't recognize, however, then appreciate them.

If you are holding up more of the dirty work - what can you start refusing to do so that your W will HAVE to pick up the slack? I wouldn't even say a word. Just see if she has the maturity to do it. Of course with babies you can't let stuff go, but...It's a way to force her hand into doing more work around the house.


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Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
If you are holding up more of the dirty work - what can you start refusing to do so that your W will HAVE to pick up the slack? I wouldn't even say a word. Just see if she has the maturity to do it. Of course with babies you can't let stuff go, but...It's a way to force her hand into doing more work around the house.


That coming from a woman I find intruiging. The less I did in attempt to utilize a similar approach did nothing more than force my XW further out the door and further reason to insult me as "lazy" as she "didn't want to sit around in a dirty house". (When in all reality the bulk of the mess was from her and her "friends", and their children hanging out before I'd get home so they could take off for the night).


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
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Well I suppose it depends on what the original complaints were from your wives. If "you never do anything around the house" was a complaint, yeah, she probably wont appreciate you doing less. But if you feel like you are doing way more in some area - housecleaning, bill paying, etc, and I think BJ has said she needs to move out and get a job - then I'd say force her hand in that dept.

In other words - don't tell her, just somehow make it certain that she needs to do this - whether through the D or whatever. If you are doing more housework, leave it. Whatever it is, money, or housework, or whatever, if she needs to do more, make a situation where you are refusing to take care of that dept and do it.

I speak from experience on the other side. My H wanted me to stop doing theatre for a year. I refused - it was a big argument. Then he moved out and started going out the nights I had rehearsals. I had to find babysitters and I found I wasn't comfortable with my S being with bbsitters so often. So I stopped theatre to be with S.

It was my decision, rather than a fight with H. I dealt with the reality of not having that person at home that I used to. I did what I had to do. I'm saying something like this would empower you greatly.

Last edited by Hope4Luv; 10/13/09 08:21 PM.

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BigJohn Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
If you are holding up more of the dirty work - what can you start refusing to do so that your W will HAVE to pick up the slack? I wouldn't even say a word. Just see if she has the maturity to do it. Of course with babies you can't let stuff go, but...It's a way to force her hand into doing more work around the house.


Hope,

I have cut back on some of the things I've kept on top with in the past but doing so has produced mixed results. For example, I can only let the laundry go so long before it needs to get done. Sometimes my W will be proactive and start the weekly laundry and sometimes she won't. At this point I'm just picking and choosing my battles as my W and I seem to exist on two different planes of reality. crazy Frankly I'm beyond playing games with my W at this point, I just want her the hell out of the house so I can gain better control over the situation. Wish I could be more chipper about things but as I mentioned in a previous post somewhere I am really starting to see the "big picture" with my W and I've had it with being used and abused. This is the clarity that comes with detachment.

Thank for the feedback Hope. As always, I appreciate your concern and interest in my sitch.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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