3 months into DB. We go to MC on Monday. If any DB'ers could give me some advice I'd appreciate it. Nervous about the questions from the C. I feel like we've made a little progress and don't want to backslide. Used to think WAW, now more thinking MLC. Who the heck knows???
Basic Background. 3 months ago W said "I love you, but not in love with you." We are both still in the house. Sleep in the same beds. W has been in IC for herself for about 2 months. 98.9% sure no OM. Two kids: D3 and D5. Me 34, W 34. W is stay at home mom. Christian background (although I'm thinking she is going back and forth on this in her mind maybe, MLC).
3 mo's in how would other DB'ers respond to:
1) I want a divorce (hasn't said this yet, made hints).
2) I feel trapped.
3) I just want to be friends with you and I want you to be a father to our family.
4) You should do anything that makes me happy. You told me so.
Also, she scheduled the appointment two months ago when she was getting a lot of pressure from her parents, I'm sure her friends and me. She has rescheduled it once because we had a beach trip scheduled with her parents the week after and she said that she didn't want to have any tension around her parents while we were at the beach. That's why she moved it.
She did mention in the beginning that she had to make herself stronger through her own IC, then we might be able to go to MC.
If she is MLC, should I ask her if she is ready to go to MC right this second, and say that we could reschedule it? Or would that be a sign to her that I don't care about MC?
Communication is actually getting a lot better with her. She was detaching from me for the first 2 and 1/2 months. The last two weeks has been a lot better. Have been out on a date with each other recently.
Symptoms:
Says, "loves me but not in love with me." Says turning 34 was really hard on her. Says that she hasn't gotten to do things in life she wanted to do career wise. Wants a job now (is currently a stay at home mom). Resents a lot of the decisions that I made for her and the family. Says that she was happy only sometimes during our 10 year marriage. Says I'm irresponsible. Says that she feels trapped.
All your posts are about what she says. How do you feel? What are your thoughts?
How comfortable are you with going to marriage counseling? Have you ever had counseling?
Listen when she talks to you... keep your mouth shut, your reactions to yourself. Why? Because your mind doesn't stray thinking of what you want to say. Many women when they're unhappy, stressed want to be heard.. not fixed. You can validate her feelings... with "Uh huh", nods.. "I can see how you feel that way."
Let go of pressuring her.. take away the negatives (which are usually things that bug you too). Create a safe haven for her. Is there a reason why she has to remain a stay-at-home mom?
I've been one since my oldest was 18 months old, he's now 23 and the youngest is 14. My spouse commuted to Europe, traveled extensively, worked long hours. Even though the lack of intellectual stimulation was tough, I couldn't imagine having a job and single handedly taking care of the kids. I had trouble doing for me, i.e., asking for help so I could develop outside interests, relying on my spouse to pick up the slack.
You can support her desire to get out of the house, ask her how you can help. You may be bringing in the income, but do both of you have an equal voice in the decisions.
One of the reasons why my 25 marriage crumbled was that it became one sided. I didn't make basic demands, set boundaries, most of the time went along with whatever my spouse wanted (long long hours, my combination of resentment and feeling overwhelmed coming out in not keeping the house neat, etc). In the end it became a lonely existence.
Consider going to counseling yourself. Marriage is about communication, spending time together and laughing. Take time to do fun things with your children, enjoy what is precious in life.
Gyspy. I actually did ask her last night if she wanted to go to MC or continue to work on IC, before going to MC. She said that she was ready for MC and what is it that I want to do?
