I'm returning to the BB after a long absence. I have no idea where my old threads are, so I'll give a very very quick summary of my history.
Me 55 XH 59 S 16 lives with me 70 miles from X; S sees X one night per week plus two weekends each month.
May 2005: Speech July 2007: D final January 2008 X marries OW (who appeared, as if by magic, after not existing for 2 1/2 years)
It has been a very tough year. S16 has had some troubles, serious enough to be hospitalized twice. We seem to have found a good counselor and things are looking up. But it was scary, and brought back much of my anger at X.
I believe that at least some of S's acting out relates to his (unexpressed) sadness and anger that X is likely moving. In April X apparently had four or five job interviews for positions out of state. S's second incident coincided with the first of these interviews.
I'm returning to the MLC fold for a number of reasons. But the first is I think I need a whack with a 2x4 for ruminating about the meaning of X's recent behavior.
For those who have no idea of my sitch: XH, his new wife, and I all work at the same place. XH is boss. So Monday morning I take S into work with me so I can drop him off to spend 3 weeks with X. X and I chat fairly comfortably about their plans for a fun trip to DC. All seems as normal as it ever is.
Fast forward to the end of the same day. I'm walking out with a student when OW and X come walking down the stairs. OW gives me her usual somewhat constipated smile. But X, wait for it, blushes furiously.
I am at a loss. The man left me, refused to look back, or consider counseling, and he still blushes when I see him in the company of his perfectly legal new wife!
I just had to post this in case any of the really oldtimers saw it and wanted a reminder of how crazy this MLC thing can be.
So cheers. Hope I dredge up some oldtimers from the woodwork.
Welcome back!!! A whack with a 2x4.....but a foam one. You'd be over it if it didn't affect your son so much.
Don't waste your time wondering about why...it takes you back to a stuck place. HIS loss.....and it can be YOUR wonderful new life. Living well is the best revenge. Go for it!
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Hey, Sweetheart...so happy to see you posting this morning. Not sure what made me look because I rarely do anymore since none of us are left, but I did, and there you were...
I hate, hate, hate that your son is struggling and that this mess that your X has created for himself, and whatever of it he envisions has made his life better, has had the opposite impact on his son. That's pretty classic though; these MLC'ers fail to see the carnage they have wrought, all of the other people that suffer because of their selfishness. But that's the way it is with self-absorbed people; it's all about them...
I still see it in my own sitch, even though I am a step removed, and my son is my stepson, my X's son. But we are still very close and when he confides in me things his dad has done and continues to do, I hear the hurt in his voice. But fortunately and more often, I hear in him a conscience choice that his dad's life is not his, and that he can't control or stop his dad's bad decisions, but he can control the way they make him feel. And he chooses overall (at least I hope I am reading this right) not to let it bring him down or become mired in it. Of course, he's 30 and your boy much younger...but I pray that your son will learn that lesson over time too.
It's worked for me too, to finally just let go of dwelling on what he did and why and continues to do, forgive him and move on...easier done in my case, I know, because again, I don't have a child with him, and I don't have him in my face (in fact, he recently was forced to relocate across the country or lose his job altogether). Instead, I rarely think of him, or our life together. My life now is completely different and my fifteen years with him seems like a lifetime ago. I still pray for him every day, and hope that he manages to find his way out of the darkness, but that's in God's hands.
I'll pray for you and your son, take care of yourself, besos, BA
My heart goes out to your son. From what I remember your x used to see him much more frequent than he is now.
Your a good woman AH, and a wonderful mother. I know how scared you are for your son but I'm sure with you standing behind him every step of the way he will overcome this and your going to be so proud of him. We carry the world on our shoulders for our sons...trust me, the weight we carry for awhile is worth it.
As far as the "blushing"....who knows, I'm sure this isn't the first time you've encountered them together is it?
Hell, they both should have been blushing and thats just me putting it nicely.
Eventually the guilt may eat them up and their perfectly legal marrige may perfectly crumble but your life is going to keep moving upward....so try not to dwell on why he's doing anything....I'm sure the lies would spin you around back to ground zero.
My xh's perfectly legal (yet hidden for over a year) new wife should be moving into our home in a few months. Yup. The happy couple lost her home, almost lost our home and now they have nowhere to live and will be set out in the street by the end of July, so now he has no choice but to buy me out at a rather (cough couch) hefty price. He thinks I will be vacating quickly so he has a place to land...uhm, no, I will follow my time limit and leave by September or October. He can go live with his mother I spose eh?
And it's good.
I have had LOTS of thoughts about shrimp and curtain rods but nah....I don't think I could do that as there won't be a curtain, blind, lightbulb, toilet paper, washer/dryer, refridgerator or other such fun things left in here.....but the walls I spent back breaking hours painting and customizing....now they might have bright purple and yellow polka dots painted all over them cos I love to paint!!
You take good care of your son my sistah and he will grow up to be the man you never had, he will be the man the makes you the proudest mother ever.
Big (((hugs))) to you and your son
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
Oh I was so happy to hear from BBA that you returned for an update, I am just so sorry it is under these circumstances.
That boy of yours. What a great kid. I remember reading your posts, and the ups and downs. To read this now stings the heart b/c I can just imagine how you and he are feeling.
My prayers are out to you and your wonderful son. HAVE faith. With a mother like you, and prayers and dedication, he will overcome. Peggy he will. Have faith. It's hard work yes, but it is all so very worth it, as you know.
The anger will some day subside for all of us.
As for the X. Blushing? Lying? Moving? Remarrying? Who knows.
Not your problem anymore thank goodness.
Funny how certain things can just make us sit down for a minute and scratch our heads at the dorky ness of it all, all over again.
I'm sort of glad he blushed b/c it brought you back here if only for a little bit.
How are the fur babies?
and how are you? Aside from all the X related shenanigans. How are you sweetie?
It's been a long time, and don't for one second think you haven't made it :-).
So great to read your words. Miss ya.
Lissett
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Peggy this is from ALWAYS 14. (she can't find her log in info)
((( AH )))
I'm sorry I can't post directly to you as I've forgotten my password. I heard through the sisterhood grapevine that you were feeling blue - and asked Lissie to post this for me. I can't tell you how sad it makes me to know that your son is going through rough times. I can't imagine what it's like for you, as his loving mother, to watch that. I'm so sorry for it all.
I remember through the divorce, your son was doing his best with the situation and trying to take it all in for everyone. It takes a toll after a while, especially for someone so young and in their formative years. I am so thankful that he has a wonderful mother like you. I know how much you always put his needs, schooling, and time with his father first, making long trips across state and remaining in the same job to give him stability. Know that you did the best you could to keep things together for him in a tough situation that you could not control. You were strong for him, and make sure he still had a childhood and fun. Sometimes, as you well know by now, things just happen.
Ugh. Your X. Speaking of constipated....I've always thought his EMOTIONAL constipation was what made it so hard for you and your son, who were much more expressive and, oh, how do I say this, HUMAN. I recall the toughest thing for you was him refusing to talk about it, and thereby refusing to allow you to talk about such a huge upheaval in your life. I can imagine he's handled your son in the same way, just patting him on the back for taking it all so well, because this is just the way it is, right??!! Not a care to the fact that though HE deals in a superficial world, others do not, and his actions have made deep impacts in his son's life and yours.
I'm not going to give you a 2x4. What mother would NOT be angry seeing her son suffer the fallout from insensitive and unapologetic actions from a co-parent?
Blushing? Does he think you're in a coma and haven't realized he's MARRIED? Or had an AFFAIR? It's over, done, and you've moved on....he can get over himself now. Maybe that's the weird stuff emotionally constipated people do. Who knows. Who cares.
I am sending all my love.....hoping that you and your son are hanging tight and strong when your X leaves, and you both forge a new and beautiful life together.
oxoo
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
man, it has been eons since i posted on this board. Liss let me know you were here and i came over to see for myself. Frankly i think you do need a 2x4 but not for the reason you thot! crazy AH........of course you would be upset over your son and angry with ex. Natural.......who wouldn't feel the same way you are. you need the 2x4 to whack yourself outta feeling guilty for NOTHING!
i can't add anything to what the other oldtimers had to say. i will say that i have been wondering how you are and so it's a thrill to have you post so we can all come out of the woodwork for but a moment. we had a good crew back when we were on the boards.
you are loved AH......post away.........but for heaven's sake don't feel guilty! you are a good mom with a huge heart and your ex is an idiot!
love brue
I'm alive, I'm happy - why shouldn't I tell the world I've got my head screwed back on just fine. Life is good for the Brue!
It is with mixed thoughts that I saw your post. Thanks for bringing out some very fondly familiar names. It must be so hard to see the X and the proof of his MLC on a daily basis. My heart goes out to you.
I think under the circumstances you are doing incredibly well and I'm extremely happy for you in that area, along with all the others posting about their new life journey. I hope you continue to distance from his drama and that in time your son will find that he has done the same.
My sons are both over 21 and the youngest continues to live with me for now, after going through his own meltdown after the D. He would never say one had to do with the other, but I see so much and understand so much that he is too young to catch. He is a work in progress and slowly moving on just as we've all learned to do. It takes time, and I pray your son makes many positive steps soon.
As for the blushing X, I think MLCers have many behaviors in common with infants and that includes making funny faces when they realize they've soiled themselves. Your X sounds very messy indeed!
You didn't mention how a possible move for X would affect you at work. Will it have any impact on your job, other than being free to go work without running into the messy remains of MLC?
Prayers and best wishes to you and your son ...
Warmest wishes to all that have posted their support ...
What a shock to see you back, but a good shock. I haven't been on the bb to post in at least a year.
I am so very sorry to hear about your son's reaction to the sitch with your uncaring H. I sure wish it was possible for you to work anywhere but near him and the constipated one that he married.
You are so strong and you can give your son the support he needs to get through this. H should not be upsetting you son by letting him know about the interviews until one of them really materializes in something concrete-like a job offer. It is just like torture for your son.
My sitch is moving along. H and I date, spend time together, talk almost every day and he has told me several times that he loves me. Yes, he has really said the words outloud. I was totally in shock the 1st time it happened. He still has a ways to go and there has been no talk of his moving back home yet and I am OK with things the way they are, for now.
I will try to get around to emailing you a full update.
Take care of yourself and your son and let your H do his thing. He sounds like he is still only partly baked even after all of this time.
cos I love to paint!!
