A little background. 3 months ago my W said I love you, but not in love with you. We both went completely ballistic and then she went dark started detaching.
At the beginning I tried to pursue, wanting to talk to her about all these relationship self help things that I had been doing (Not DB or DR) and it seemed to push her in the wrong direction too.
I then gave her space again. She started going to counseling and she seemed to be detaching more. It appears she basically GAL.
The basics:
She said that I made all the decisions the last 10 years and she's not been able to pursue her dreams. Dreams that we both had when we got married. She says I got a real job, asked her to move to my hometown and she feels trapped in her life. She is a stay at home M with our two children D3 and D5.
My new perspective: I quit communicating with her the last several years. Work started getting the best of me and we basically got into a big routine.
I started reading DR and going to these forums. I GAL, 180's (that seem to be working). At the first I did the 180's for her. Now have better perspective and doing them for me. Keep journal.
I think one of the biggest things recently that I did to open things up (at least my perception) is that I approached her one night and told her that I want to reconnect with her and work on things. She said that I feel what is best is that we go our seperate ways still. I did a 180 and said, "I think you anything is possible." She says, "that I want to be your friend and you are a good father. I don't want to lose you as a friend." But apparently not a good husband. She also said I was irresponsible and bad with money (she handles all the finances and I have been bad at giving her receipts, etc.).
After that two things happened: she started texting me more throughout the day (communicating) and then asked about changing our phone bill to a better plan (possibly thinking in terms of the future) and then asked me to take her out to dinner on her birthday (previously she had mentioned that she was going to go out with all her bunco girlfriends for dinner).
Had probably the best date with her in 5 years. Had the best time, she hugged me about 5 times that night, and thanked me over and over for her birthday.
My biggest question is it seems like we take a step forward then take a step back. The next couple of days went cold on me. Sometimes it feels great to be around her, small talk, etc. Other times awkward still to talk with her. Seems like I think to much about the situation too much.
My question is this. I have a hard time knowing the difference between pursuing and communicating more to her (Obviously this is one of the reasons we are in this boat). What is the difference between communicating more and pursuing?
i think its all about timing....if u sense u have an opening with her, she is seeming receptive to u, u can try to communicate what u want to say.
but if she is standoffish, not in the mood and is pulling back, anything u will say will sound like pursuing.
pretty sure in the book there is a part about timing and how it plays a role.
also there is a part called, medium is the message...which talks about different ways to express yourself.
i have been at this a very long time, and i do know there are steps forward, and then back again.
do not pursue when they pull back. that much i know.
hope this helps.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
thanks mdoodles. its very confusing on thinking how to respond and wondering if I am pursuing. I feel like she is trying to communicate with me at times and I have been short lately thinking that was the right thing to do because I don't want to look like I am pursuing.
Another example:
She was going to have a getaway Girl weekend with one of her best friends this weekend. She's had it planned for a month or two.
Yesterday she said, "you know our couple friends (name here) invited us over to their house and bring the kids over on Friday night to hang out with them to cook out and play on the jumpy jump." "We could go over there for a while and I could leave afterwards to go to my Girl weekend." I really don't need to be there until Saturday morning anyway."
"I said that sounds good. Up to you. Whether you can work out the logistics (little bit of travel involved in the whole scenario)."
Then when I talked to her today, she said, "So I don't know if we should go or not." "You're good with it. I guess it's up to me, right?" I said, "Yes." She then said, "Well if it rains there's really no point in going, because the kids can't play outside as planned on the jumpy jump and we can't cook out."
I said, "Yeah you're right just let me know."
Then a friend encouraged me to text her later to tell her I was just finishing up some work (I'm out of town on work) on the internet and noticed that it was not supposed to rain tomorrow. I did.
Does anyone see any flaws with the communication? Any pro DB'ers?
Thanks givingitmyall. Man I just posted my best notes on your post as well! Maybe we can help each other together. As part of my 180 and GAL, I went out with a co-worker tonite to shoot some pool.
He talked me into texted her that based on his views. He has a library of understanding women books. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus type stuff.
I am just so confused as to what pursuing and what open communication is (which I lacked very much in my relationship) over the past several years. I guess I'm chalking it up to a 180. Communicating more. I still just don't understand the difference between pursuing and communicating more since that was one of my major flaws.
I think the best way to think about the pursuing v. communicating is to realize first that DR suggests we lovingly detach. Not that you completely withdraw, but that you let the WAS initiate the conversations. I would always ask my W how her work day went - I stopped. Amazing thing is, she tells me about it without me even asking. I listen, make eye contact, but try to be brief.
So, communication is fine, you just need to let W drive that boat. Be more of a listener.
Pursuit is really anything W may perceive (remember reality is not important right now, only her perception is) your actions as an attempt to get her to stay. Obviousl ones are begging, pleading, crying - which we all did before we knew better. Smaller ones can be texting her during her day to ask how she is, telling her where you are going and when you will be back, etc. This is hard not to do - I used to send IM's back and forth to my W all day just to stay in touch. Now, I only send them if I have to. I mostly just respond to her's, which are few. I also try to answer her questions with fewer words than her questions.
Basically, you are trying to make yourself less available to her while at the same time trying to be a friend. I know it seems backwards. You will hear people talking about the "paradox" they feel they are living - acting like you are moving on (confidence, happiness) while at the same time wanting the M to work. Seems backwards, but you have to develop confidence in yourself ("I will be ok no matter what") to save your M.
Thanks givingitmyall. It's also hard when we have two children and I need to communicate with them. I have been calling about 2:00 or 3:00 everyday to talk with my kids while I am at work. I obviously talk to my wife and she has been more free with, I did this and that." She said today when I was getting off the phone "o.k. well...you have fun tonight." "You're going to call back tonite, right." Am I looking to deep into this? Is she asking me to talk to her more? Is she trying to connect or tell me to open communication more?
It's called the roller coaster, and it sux. But, it's part of the path back to your M.
I would not bring up the R. Let her do that. If she brings it up, listen, but do not get too excited. This is a slow process.
One thing I had to correct in my way of thinking is not to try to read anything into W's actions or words. Accept a positive change for what it is and nothing more. The saying about a WAW is Don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do.
It sounds like her asking if you are going to call is a positive. Just file it away and stick with the program.
No kidding that the kids make this gut wrenching. I have 2, and they are the most wonderful things in my life. Part of the reason I fell so compelled not to give up on my M is that one day when they are older, they will ask what happened (I came from a divorced family and I asked when I was older). I want to be able to look them in the eyes and tell them I did everything I could to save our family and the M. I do not know what my W will tell them if she goes through with the D.
One of the great things is that I have focused on myself and my kids the last 4 weeks. Took my S out of town last weekend - just he and I. It was great.
