I'm new here - any suggestions

[Done in VA]

Here is H's problems with me:
He thinks I am too controlling
He thinks I talk down to him & criticize him
He thinks I give him guilt trips
He thinks I am cold & mean
He feels his opinions never mattered

After about 1 month of "the speech" ALL physical touch was cut off. He agreed to go to MC and began 1/09. I began DBing about 4/09.

We are still going to MC, but until last week, he never said he would TRY to do anything to work on the marriage. He said he will not "force" anything, if his feelings come back, it will just "happen". Last week, in MC, he said he was willing to take 50% of the blame for our problems. MC said then what are you willing to do about it? H said come to MC & I'm trying to take an interest in what W is doing in her life. Also, up until that week, he would never acknowledge any changes I was trying to make. He finally said he was noticing them & they were "nice". He also thanked me for trying to work on the R.

My questions are how long until I can expect any physical touch to be introduced back into the R? I am not expecting an exact timeframe, but has anyone else experienced being cut off like this? The other thing I would really like is him to ask me to go out w/just the 2 of us. Should I suggest doing something or wait for him?

I am also having a problem GAL bc I have young children & H is in home. I don't want to be gone in the evenings. I want to be a mom to my kids. Should I be making excuses to run out once they are in bed? Or should I sit on the couch w/H & watch TV like we always do? I'm not one to want to go out for drinks & by the time the kids go to bed at 8:30 during the week, what would I do anyways?

I have a personal trainer that I work out w/3 days a week in the mornings & read alot. I work while my kids are in school. Other than that, I am involved in being at my kid's sporting events w/H. Am I doing okay the way I am or should I be trying to get out more????

If we are sitting on the couch watching TV, should I mirror him by only conversing if he initiates the conversation? I am confused.

[Ready2Change]

He gave you insight into what you can CHOOSE to change.

Men and women communicate completely different. Learn as much as you can about the differences.

Here is an example from my experience: I was DBing by loading the dishwasher. W chooses to say "The silverware gets cleaner when the tines point up" vs "I appreciate your help loading the dishwasher". The statement she said made me feel talked down to and criticized. The second would have made me feel good. Changing the way we say and hear things go a long way. 180 the way you talk to him.

He thinks I am cold & mean

This one is easy. Learn Forgiveness, Patience, Kindness.

He thinks I am too controlling
He feels his opinions never mattered.

Learn to listen and validate.

[MrBond]

In his criticisms of you, did you think they were true? Have you worked on any negative areas that you have? How about himself? Oftentimes the WAS will heap a ton of negatives onto the LBS and not acknowledge that they did anything wrong.

My W started criticizing me for everything from my looks to how I was a bad father. Later she said she didn't remember saying any of it.

[Ready2Change]

ALL physical touch was cut off. My questions are how long until I can expect any physical touch to be introduced back into the R? I am not expecting an exact time frame, but has anyone else experienced being cut off like this?

Learn to be patient. I know it is hard, but he needs his space to deal with things. I would not EXPECT any touch, but enjoy it when it does happen. Keep making your changes and draw him back.

The other thing I would really like is him to ask me to go out w/just the 2 of us. Should I suggest doing something or wait for him?

DBings says ask for what you want. Do not be controlling. What does he like to do? Be casual "I was thinking about doing XYZ, I would like you to join me, but will understand if you don't want to go"

I am also having a problem GAL bc I have young children & H is in home. I don't want to be gone in the evenings. I want to be a mom to my kids. Should I be making excuses to run out once they are in bed? Or should I sit on the couch w/H & watch TV like we always do? I'm not one to want to go out for drinks & by the time the kids go to bed at 8:30 during the week, what would I do anyways?

GAL is about doing things that you enjoy and that make you happy. When I was going dark, I would dress up really nice, look and smell good and say "I am going out". Movies, friends, concerts, the gym.

I have a personal trainer that I work out w/3 days a week in the mornings & read alot. I work while my kids are in school. Other than that, I am involved in being at my kid's sporting events w/H. Am I doing okay the way I am or should I be trying to get out more????

I believe that you want to project that you will be fine with or without him. Project that you would prefer to be with him, but you will be happy no matter what he chooses"

If we are sitting on the couch watching TV, should I mirror him by only conversing if he initiates the conversation? I am confused.

I can understand your confusion. Just do the best you can with the knowledge you have. Keep learning day by day. Learn to read his body language.

People are interesting. They do not want to be controlled. I can make my kids sit with me by pushing them away. I can make my kids go away by trying to restrain them in my lap. You are dealing with a big kid. People want what they can't have.

[Done in VA]

I have been working on EVERYTHING he has addressed.
I have been putting more decisions in his hands.
I have stopped sweating the small stuff & just rolled with situations.
I have been VERY careful in my wording & tone.

I honestly think the cold & mean part are him projecting the way he feels about himself right now onto me. I have a very successful people-oriented business where I develop many friendships w/clients who refer business to me. I have lots of friends & I make friends easily. I always have people inviting me to lunch, confiding their problems to me, etc. I have been very cheerful with him to try to work on this part.

H will admit that he held everything inside & never truly addressed them with me. I have to look at myself once again & say - what were his past experiences in speaking with me about problems? I must not have been very fun to discuss things with. What can I do differently? I need to show him that I am a "safe" place to come to when he has an issue.

My biggest questions are the GAL I addressed previously & questions about physical touch.

[MrBond]

It's great that you addressed all those problems and got them out of the way. You are right in that he is projecting many of his own insecurities and unhappiness on you and that's all par for the course. Just had to make sure you did all the other stuff about the existing problems before you worried about physical touch. Couldn't really tell from your first post.

He'll initiate once he "feels" safe with you. It's weird but it's like a child, he'll only initiate when he thinks it is okay. My W is the same way. We sleep in the same bed, but if I put my hand on her shoulder you would have thought I tasered her the way she flinches out of the way. You just have to give it time. ALOT of time because unfortunately you are going according to his timetable and not yours. You can maybe try doing small things to start getting physically close without touching. That's what I did and it worked for me to be able to hug my W without her moving away.

Think of it like a stray dog that wandered into your yard. You lay out some food (positive experiences) and they'll stick around longer. Then you slowly move closer. The dog will get skittish and run away at first, but over time, it will stay longer and you can get closer. Eventually you'll get close enough to touch it's nose, then it's head, then body, etc. That's how your H is now.

As for GAL. It doesn't mean that you have to physically leave. You're just doing things that show that you don't need him in your life. By all means, play with the kids, go out with them, pursue hobbies at home if you wish. You can ask him if he'd like to participate, but if he doesn't, no biggie. That's what GAL is all about.

[Ready2Change]

GAL with the kids. Board games etc.... Have fun.

Do you NEED touch? Can you get it from others while H is in the fog?

I was getting massage, pedicures, haircuts etc....My kids hugs are wonderful.....

[Done in VA]

I guess I just want touch as a way to know that he FEELS something for me. I wonder how long this can go on? He told me in the beginning that he refuses to live in a loveless marriage.

[MrBond]

Have you read the Love Languages book? It's obvious yours is physical touch as a validation of your love.

Have you flat out told him? If you did and he initiates, then you have to make those moments very positive. did he show you alot of physical affection before? And I'm not talking about sexual touch.

[Ready2Change]

I agree about reading the 5 love languages.

My buddy gave me great advise at the beginning:

"One teaspoon of love at a time." You need to fill up HIS love bucket. Do everything in your power not to drain it. Keep the teaspoons going.

Walls are high right now, so you will be carrying the M. Read Footprints