Separated in the same home

[2inlimbo]

My husband and I are now re-separated in the same home. We were doing great til I backpedaled and my H flipped out and now is on the D track again. My question is, he wants "space". How do I give him space, living in the same home, while at the same time I am trying to salvage our M. Should I be cool when he comes home, or should I be warm? He wants space, so ow do I show him that I still want to make it work?? Any insights would be appreciated....

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Hi there. I am doing the same, living with my H although he filed for D. I am sighing as I write this, because I've found it incredibly challenging living with him and being detached. He is SO much better at this because he can whip up walls in his mind and I am a passionate, emotional person and want not only my husband back here, but I so miss the friendship as well. There are so many things that I want to talk to him about, but if I want this to work, as you do too, you need to harden your heart and learn detachment 101:

* note, all of these may not be appropriate to your situation, but they are to mine.

Do:
*Smile, act cheerful, but say nothing when you see him.
*Eat your meals when you want your meals, but don't offer him anything. If he wants it, he can take some.
*Continue doing the "chores" as you have divided them long ago as well as possible. Don't let them slip, because H needs to see you continuing to fullfill your promises and obligations to do this to rebuild trust
*Use email or the white board to write down critical household messages, do not talk to him about them if at all possible.
*Stay out of his office completely, and do not linger in the doorway to talk to him. Give him his space. Do not interuppt him doing whatever the heck he is doing.
*Continue to take care of your compost/worm garden as well as all the newly planted plants. Again, fullfill your promises.
*Get out of the house at least once per day to do something, anything.
*Post your job search spreadsheet on the whiteboard or somewhere noticiable but do not comment
*Come up with a debt repayment strategey spreadsheet and post this as well (things he needs to see from me to see that I am fullfilling my promises and obligations).
*Wear the perfume you like
*Do your hair more often
*Keep your nails long
*Wear your hair down
*Continue to put away dishes w/i 24 hours of him washing them
*Do not comment if he comes home at 11:30 pm. If you encounter him in the hallway, you can say happily "goodnight" or something, but do NOT greet him with this.
*Go to bed before he comes home sometimes so he knows you are not waiting up for him.
*Keep your office area neat and clean
*put up some art in the bedroom and the office to personalize it.
*Stay on the "high road" when it comes to talking about him to the neighbors.
*Validate what he says
*Do continue taking care of yourself....medications in the morning and take vitamins at night.
*Make sure you don't run out of any of these medications which will stress you out.
*Continue to exercise every day or every other day.
*Sing in the car!
*Enjoy the unconditional love and comfort from your pets.
*Cry with your friends when he is not around or in the safety of your car or at their house, somewhere where he isn't!
*Continue venting in more appropriate places...use the inflatible "stress bat" if needed.


Don't
*Talk about the marriage on the phone with people at all, instead, dwell on all the good things. Explain to friends/family at another time what you are doing so they know what to expect.
*Greet him at the door verbally or physcially.
*Give him 3x the space you think any human could possibly need...be easy to live with.
*Ask him for more groceries.
*Ask him to do ANYTHING for you at all.
*Roll your eyes at him.
*Don't let him feel attacked. Yes, he is way oversensitive to this, due to his childhood, but remain serene and gentle and loving as an angel.
*Let him end the interaction first...you leave first.
*Be defensive.
*Don't listen for him while you are in the house, instead, open a book or start journaling.
*Don't cry when you are in the house together. This doesn't help, even though you are hurting so badly.
*Don't email his parents
*Don't "rail" at him about therapy
*Don't discuss the divorce or seperation, or the fact that you haven't been served papers yet.
*Don't goad him about having to go to all these weddings alone. Find a smashing dress and go and enjoy the fun from a clinical, observer perspective, then come home and journal.
*Do not take the fact that he is not talking to you at all but yet has plenty to talk about to strangers online, who he is typing away merrily to night after night, personally. He is just very full of anxiety and cannot talk to you lest he feel like he's getting lost again.
*Do not take his silence for acceptance of the situation. Rememeber, he did say that he missed you a lot and still loved you, and the intial total sepearation made him want to go find you immediately. He is hurting and needs to take care of himself right now, and misses you, despite all appearances to the contrary, he is not happy.
*Do not take scraps if he insists upon talking about the Divorce, stand up for what you want (the house) calmly and slowly and w/o attacking, but do not bring it up.
*Do not be afraid of the future, you are a strong woman and any man would be lucky to be married to you. Repeat as needed.
*Do not forget that some of the things he has said were said rashly, in anger. Also, what he says is not necessarily what he belives. Watch his actions, not necessarily his words, to see what is going on.

Good luck, and please, send me your tips because I need all the help I can get!

[robx]

My husband and I are now re-separated in the same home. We were doing great til I backpedaled and my H flipped out and now is on the D track again. My question is, he wants "space". How do I give him space, living in the same home, while at the same time I am trying to salvage our M. Should I be cool when he comes home, or should I be warm? He wants space, so ow do I show him that I still want to make it work?? Any insights would be appreciated....

Well it would help to know what you did.

How did you "backpedal"?

I noticed the term "re-separated", why did you separate to begin with?

[2inlimbo]

IwWillSaveOurMarriage,

Thanks for your insights; I appreciate the time you spent with your post and have recieved new ideas in terms of the 180....I started doing a 180 in April. H moved back into the bedroom but still no sex. But we were making a LOT of progress- nice talks, quality time, making plans. He even said he loves me again!!!Then this weekend I got upset that he went to the baseball game with a female coworker. 4 coworkers share 2 baseball tix, so it's sort of random who ends up at each game. It's just he's good freinds with her and it makes me jealous, so I moped around and sulked all day before he went to the game. Then I was stupid enough this am to express how hard it is for me when he goes out with her. (He's assured me there's no A, and I believe him, but when he's out having fun with her, and I'm home sweeping up the kitchen, it's hard not to get jealous.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

2InLimbo- no problem. Glad it helped a bit. It helped me to write these things down so that I'm more conscious of them 24/7. I'm doing pretty darn good as far as yesterday and today, only said one thing to him and it had nothing to do with our rlsp, just voiced concern for him because he was going to sleep so early, which is not the norm for him at all.

Other than that, haven't talked to him at all but he did open the door for me when I came home, which is something he hasn't done in a long time.

Glad to hear your postive news about working your 180....I'd be so happy to have my H back together with me in our bed, the sex would be a big bonus, but I so miss cuddling with him there, so good for you! And wow, he verbalized that he loves you...that's BIG!

I totally understand the female co worker thing because I have had to deal with that as well. While I didn't want to be percieved as an insecure, jealous wife, Ialso didn't want to give him a card blanque to go cheat on me either! It's a hard line to walk, that's for sure. Even though you had this minor setback, the other things are overwhelmingly positive, which is great.

Take care,