The ups and downs are natural. That's why they call this a rollercoaster. For every good reaction, you'll see there will be two negative ones. It's all part of the process. Just keep concentrating on the positive.
You can do it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
It's my birthday today. I am of two minds right now. One side of me says, "Man up! Get your stuff together. You need to execise and eat better. Make this year better than last year no matter what."
The other side of me says, "I'm 40 now. My wife has left me. I was looking forward to turning 40. I was hoping for a big birthday party with all my friends and family. The problem is she would have been the one that took care of all that. What am I supposed to do: throw a party for myself? no."
So now I'm back to, "Man up! And stop whining!" It's like I said. I go back and forth. At least she had my boys call me this morning before work. They were sweet, but I broke down and cried after I got off the phone. Don't worry I didn't do it while I was on the phone. That would have been bad.
I have to do something about this depression. I don't want drugs, and even St. John's Wort seems to mess with my digestion. But, I just can't focus. I don't ever feel like doing anything. I barely feel like typing this post. Don't get me wrong. I am at work, and I'm not in danger of losing my job or anything. But it's hard for me to even go to the grocery store or do anything that requires a little extra energy.
And, this is where I should listen to the other side of my brain again that says, "Get your stuff together and get moving!"
It's just weird that six months ago I was actually looking forward to 40. It's amazing what can happen in six months.
As a side note: I don't understand this whole mood icon on here. It seems new. I tried to just take it off, but it only lets me change my mood, not take it off. Is this some sort of metaphor for life?
I'm going to sign off now. I'd love to hear from anyone who has the time and energy to type. Take care.
Me: 39 Wife: 41 Boys: 8 & 5 WAW: 02/11/2009 She Filed For D: 03/26/2009 - Yeah it was that quick!
I have to do something about this depression. I don't want drugs, and even St. John's Wort seems to mess with my digestion. But, I just can't focus. I don't ever feel like doing anything. I barely feel like typing this post. Don't get me wrong. I am at work, and I'm not in danger of losing my job or anything. But it's hard for me to even go to the grocery store or do anything that requires a little extra energy.
"Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. Get the book and google it now. Some sites will give you a outline of how and why it works. Handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'm sitting here wondering right now what it would actually take to have a bonified nervous breakdown. I think I'm OK now, but the events of the last couple of weeks may make an interesting read. If a person doesn't have a nervous breakdown over this, what do they have one over?
Since November of last year I have been attempting to purchase an insurance agency. Several factors have made this complicated and difficult. I am currently what's called a captive agent. If I buy this other agency, I would no longer be able to do business through my current company because I would become an independent agent.
My plan was to buy the other agency and then go after my current clients and try to get them to switch to me. However, after months of negotiations and wrangling with SBA, the small business administration, I am still waiting to close the deal. In the meantime, my current company found out what I was doing and confronted me about it. They weren't supposed to find out; I was trying to keep this very, very quiet.
They don't have strong contractual grounds, but they have threatened to sue me if I go after my clients. [Don't worry I have seen a lawyer about all of this.] If I don't go after my old clients, I don't have to worry about it. When I buy the business, I will have an income stream from the clients that the seller has.
What's weird is, since I didn't want them to find out yet, and they have not had time to set up a new office, I am still working for them. They hate me and want me out of here, but it would be stupid of them to do that - at least for the next few days.
For a while there, I was stressed to the max. My deal with buying the other agency wasn't finished, and I wouldn't be receiving any income from my current agency - not after the 15th anyway. Add to that I am going through a divorce and the fact that I am starting my term as the president of our local Rotary Club, and you have a receipe for loosing it.
For several days I felt like I was about to throw up all the time. I was even concerned that I could give myself a sterss related heart attack. Then my dad called to talk to me. He knows whats been going on. We had a long talk, and he offered to help me stay open at least three months beyond what I could otherwise have stayed. I hate depending on my parents for things like this, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. And, this gave me a tremendous sense of relief.
I believe that SBA can get the deal done given that amount of time. I have no idea what is taking so long anyway, but it's the government. They don't get in a hurry about anything. By the way, we gave them about 5 file boxes full of information they requested to approve the loan. I was surprissed, but not surprissed, by this.
On the bright side, I really haven't had much time to think about the divorce and my W. This has been so taxing that she has barely been on my mind. I spent a great 4th on the lake with my boys and some friends. They had a ball swimming and on the boat and wave runners.
There's really nothing new to report lately with the divorce. I haven't had any conversations with her about it. I haven't breathed a word about the troubles at work. We just talk about the boys, when to pick up / drop off etc.
That's my report for now. Keep up the DB work everyone.
Me: 39 Wife: 41 Boys: 8 & 5 WAW: 02/11/2009 She Filed For D: 03/26/2009 - Yeah it was that quick!
I haven't posted in quite some time. I've had ups and downs in the past month. There were times when I thought W was interested in someone else, but I still really don't know. I have no hard evidence, and I've looked believe me. I'm not going around with the rose colored glasses.
There have been other times that I thought things were going really well. My oldest son had a birthday. She asked me to come to the house to help with the spend-the-night-party for his birthday. We wrangled 8, 9-year-old boys for the evening. I think I did a pretty good job and she seemed happy.
Her mother asked me to come to the "family" birthday party. I told her I would be happy to, but it was at W's house and I would not come unless invited by her. Of course she didn't invite me. No big surprise there. Her mother wants me to "tell W how much you care for her; how much you love her." She doesn't understand that this kind of pressure doesn't work at all.
I just try to be as helpful and nice to W as I can without making any waves.
What's driving me crazy is all the limbo. I have to say I'm actually tired of waiting for the divorce. I'm not going to do anything to push it, but I'm just tired of waiting. More than one friend has suggested I go out on a date. Even if I wanted to, there are so many inherent problems. The date would ask, "Are you divorced?" and I would say no. Besides, according to almost every divorce busting article I have read. This would cause problems.
The other limbo is at my job. I have been working for months on a deal to purchase an insurance agency. It seems to be in it's final stages, but that's what I thought in May, and then in June, and then in July. Right now we are waiting on a business appraiser to finish his analysis.
It's like my personal life is on hold, my business life is on hold, everything is on hold. I want to live. I want a new life. Ahhhhhhh!!!!
I don't want anyone to get me wrong. I have been GLing. I started nutri-system. I've lost a few pounds. I started playing volleyball on Fridays with a singles group from church. I go to a divorce care class on Monday nights. I spend lots of time with my boys (two weekdays every week and every other weekend). I guess I just miss the company of a woman.
That's all I have for now. Give me shout if you have time. And, Keep up the DB.
Me: 39 Wife: 41 Boys: 8 & 5 WAW: 02/11/2009 She Filed For D: 03/26/2009 - Yeah it was that quick!
