Sorry, its getting hard to come up with a catchy title. Kind of a so-so day today. The best part was starting the day with my gratefulness journal.
I went today to get help with my resume and then to the library. Picked up a couple books to help me study for the civil service exam on the 13th. They are both pretty outdated, but I will get what I can from them. I'll also be driving up to another college library that is supposed to have up to date study guides.
While at the library I had a thought that just drove through my brain like a lightning bolt that honestly put me into a serious funk.
The thought as cogently as I can get it down on paper is:
Love is not a surge of passion, it a choice to commit to something or someone no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice again and again, day in and day out, year after year says more about love than never having a choice at all.
The funk- I choose him. All of him. But right now the choice isn't mine to make.
What keeps me going, I know he loves me more than he acknowledges even to himself. I see it in his eyes, I hear it in his voice, I feel it when he is gentle with me.
I do so wish I could slip him a mickey and make it all better. They don't have that pill on the market yet. If I could create one I would sure be rich.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I guess I should also add that tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of the bomb. So, funk might have something to do with that.
Bllllleeeeeeeecccccccchhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
So far a rough morning because of the anniversary. The clouds are hazy and it may rain. Gotta' shake the funk.
The first thing I put in my gratefulness journal this morning: I survived one year post-bomb. Yes, I'm grateful for this. I hate that the bomb happened, but I am stronger and continue to grow. That is never a bad thing.
If I can do it, I'm going to go fishing today. Maybe between rain storms.
I also start studying in earnest for my civil service exam today. I found some old study guides in the local college library. Tomorrow I am going to another college library that is supposed to have more current study guides. (The state/county didn't provide a study guide for this exam, so I'm trying to use whatever I can get my hands on to prepare for it.)
My son may come to finish my storage room in the basement. (Very slow progress there. It should have been a 2 or 3 day job at most. Don't ask. Just picture a sleepy 20 year old that stays up late, sleeps in, then shows up with little motivation.)
I'm also going to make some cookies. I love to bake and it will keep me busy.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
"Love is not a surge of passion, it a choice to commit to something or someone no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice again and again, day in and day out, year after year says more about love than never having a choice at all.
The funk- I choose him. All of him. But right now the choice isn't mine to make.
What keeps me going, I know he loves me more than he acknowledges even to himself. I see it in his eyes, I hear it in his voice, I feel it when he is gentle with me.
I do so wish I could slip him a mickey and make it all better. They don't have that pill on the market yet. If I could create one I would sure be rich."
Wifey! You're speakin' what I'm feelin'!!!
Like the mickey idea... maybe a big mouth Mickey? LOL
I feel your pain w/the S20. I have a D18 who is equally as motivated to do anything requiring work/responsibility, etc... But has TONS of energy for all of these grad parties, boyfriend time, and "working out..." They're precious!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Is the big mouth Mickey a reference to fishing? Or am I missing something? He does take fish oil every day. If I could come up with the right formula I could may inject a couple of those babies....
Aw crap - I can dream.
S20 is adorable, very tall, and very good to his Mom. When we were on vacation together we got even closer than we were before. We talked very little about his Dad then. At one point I said that I didn't know what I was going to do if his Dad didn't change course. He replied that I was going to keep on being an awesome person, that's what.
The motivation thing will come in time. I just hope he doesn't take much longer to finish up.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
KJo, I am sure today has got you down but it is just a date on the calendar. You are not the same person you were a year ago. Celebrate, appreciate and give thanks for your growth over the past year. You are a success story.
Quote:
While at the library I had a thought that just drove through my brain like a lightning bolt that honestly put me into a serious funk.
The thought as cogently as I can get it down on paper is:
Love is not a surge of passion, it a choice to commit to something or someone no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice again and again, day in and day out, year after year says more about love than never having a choice at all.
How did arriving at that conclusion put you into a funk? Sounds like a serious affirmation of what you believe to me, which is goodness. Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
KJo, I am sure today has got you down but it is just a date on the calendar. You are not the same person you were a year ago. Celebrate, appreciate and give thanks for your growth over the past year. You are a success story.
Quote:
While at the library I had a thought that just drove through my brain like a lightning bolt that honestly put me into a serious funk.
The thought as cogently as I can get it down on paper is:
Love is not a surge of passion, it a choice to commit to something or someone no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice again and again, day in and day out, year after year says more about love than never having a choice at all.
How did arriving at that conclusion put you into a funk? Sounds like a serious affirmation of what you believe to me, which is goodness. Cheers Coach
Thank you Coach. Yes I am down, but that is somewhat improved by having gone fishing. (Only caught on, lousy reel.) I will improve it more by visiting with my son, and then later going to buy me a new rod and reel.
It is goodness and it is how I feel. The funk came from the fact that my H hasn't really embraced the concept and so far has no intention of making a choice. In his words, you either feel it or you don't, and it has to develop organically.
Honestly, between that statement and the "separation being more humane than going right to a divorce" I am not sure if I'm a dog or a potted plant.
I will celebrate my growth as best I can, Coach. I will get through this day like I have others. That is, on bended knees.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Kj, I dont know when the first real bomb hit me and frankly, I dont care anymore. That was all a part of a phase that I have survived and it's gone, I am "done" with that.
Dont think about it unless it is to feel proud of what you've done with this year... xxx K
