Not minimizing the mindf*ck aspect. But, at the risk of sounding grass is always greener...it does seem to idicate that he "cares", however that concept can be deconstructed given the sitch. I would take a little mixed message communication at this point, at the very least it would indicate that 10 years and all we had together was even a blip on his radar screen.
I know it messes with your focus...but, depending on what you want, it at least leaves the door open, ya know?
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
I'm exasperated that he will succeed in making me the bad guy. I have been clear that if he wants to pursue a new relationship with a new dynamic, be it friendship or M, I have resources. Otherwise, it is the kids and finances and that's it.
When I got a text saying to call asap and he has my kids, he got me.
When I accidently got a text that he meant to send to a girl "friend," that was disturbing.
When I got a text with a provocative (sexual innuendo) response to a practical text I had sent regarding times for kid exchange, I did not respond. He followed with "I guess you don't find me funny anymore" (see, there's something wrong with me because I don't find him funny)...
I know it messes with your focus...but, depending on what you want, it at least leaves the door open, ya know?
Well, yes, that is what titillates me BUT, isn't it more likely that he is just a narcissist who can't handle the idea of me moving on, even though he is doing just that?
I know it messes with your focus...but, depending on what you want, it at least leaves the door open, ya know?
Well, yes, that is what titillates me BUT, isn't it more likely that he is just a narcissist who can't handle the idea of me moving on, even though he is doing just that?
I don't know.
very possible. So again, back to you.
If you are done, at least for now, which is kinda what detaching is...someone correct me if I am jacking this all up...then his annoying "look at me, pay attention to me" texts are just that. Annoying. You've got to get into that zen place, DESPITE, what he does.
Regarding the urgent texts re: kids...obviously, those will have to be responded to. If it becomes a pattern of false alarms and cry wolfs, you will have to address it with dry frankness. But obviously, he will always have you on that one and I don't envy that dynamic. But, reality I guess.
And, regarding a more long term view, if you even want to entertain it, perhaps you gut is equally as wise as your head is on the short term....i.e., he does care, is not done. His capacity to care in a loving, mature way is clearly suspect right now. Might always be. Time will tell-and while I groan at this trite saying too, we both know it is true.
Really really not trying to convince you that his way is not all the things that upset and concern you, just wanted to throw in the small positive that regardless of where it comes from, he clearly has not become indifferent to you. Am I projecting my own wants for my sitch onto yours? Maybe, and I appologize if that is what is comes off as. But, we DB diciples (sarcastic) are taught to look for the positives, the very small things even...so I thought I might point out a possibility, or at least reframe his behavior as such.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
BobbiJo has been talking about a book she just read on boundaries, and she highly recommends it. Sounds like you need to work on boundaries too. Just search for her name to find her thread.
If you are done, at least for now, which is kinda what detaching is...someone correct me if I am jacking this all up...then his annoying "look at me, pay attention to me" texts are just that. Annoying. You've got to get into that zen place, DESPITE, what he does.
You are so awesome! This just hit me right before I came to check my thread. For years I have tried and failed to "get into that zen place, DESPITE, what he does."
It is quite a mammoth challenge.
Last night, I pretty much decided to file for D. I was so disgusted.
But, looking back, I could have said and done nothing. I didn't have to engage my friend and spend half our time dissecting my sitch and she obviously was aghast. I mean who leaves their wife, blames it all on her, starts seeing other people, deems the R doomed to D because it is destiny and there is no way around it even if the feelings are there, attraction etc. AND then, wont leave her alone??? Ya, my friend was pretty mortified. But I did that, I handed my night over to him.
My big issue is in my head...these texts come and often I ignore but I often spin and spin searching for the signal I want to send back to H. Is it, come closer or leave me alone???
I want him to come closer but not if he will subsequently cast it in a negative light, not if he is scr*wing someone else, not if he only intends to serve himself...
Anyway, back to your paragraph, it seems this is something I must do no matter what.
Yes, and I need to learn how to own my mental space enough that if he doesn't follow the rules, I don't fall apart and spin out. It is quite a challenge.
I hear you on the mammoth challenge. Easy to say, not so easy to do. And so here we go, trying, trying...
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
see, there's something wrong with me because I don't find him funny)...
How did you arrive at that?
How about you tell him why you aren't finding him funny?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
He used to always accuse me of not having a sense of humor because I didn't appreciate his jokes (it was really just his timing)...
I did tell him. I told him basically that if we were together I might find it funny but under the circumstances I don't. I said it much more assertively but don't want to write verbatim.
