About the daughter thing, it is tough. My mom is more of an enabler than I am. She was shocked that I put my foot down about having sex with other people while we're married...thought I'd be pushing him toward D...
I think I have it engrained in me to make it work.
Ok. Spoke to H. Said he had insomnia. "We'll see meant", him being a wreck today, not flaking on our date and wanted to know if he could maybe meet me and the kids today (I'm taking them to the zoo)...
Well, I think so many things can be true at once and it is so easy to feel paranoid and f*cked over given the circumstances and his erratic behavior.
I mean, he is still juvenile and irresponsible .
I first texted him back "LOL, you're kidding, right?"
And he answered, "About what?"
So I called to clarify.
It is good to go slow and have levity...I spent my morning feeling so thwarted and defensive. I need to look at that. AND, I don't want my sense of ok-ness to be that shake-able. I mean, I'm human but under the circumstances, I need to remember I am on my own and it will be a long road to R with him, if ever.
"Differentiated people can modulate their thoughts and emotions when their anxiety start to run wild, and have their judgment prevail. They can *choose* to have feelings and intuitions govern their behavior in a modulated and effective way that fits their goals. Or they can act on reason and intellect. The point is, it involves a *choice.* That's the difference between having feelings vs. your feelings "having you"---you're neither driven by your feelings nor afraid of them, and you don't need to use your intellect all the time because you aren't "stifling" your feelings."
I would have just said, "I know you had a rough night, so you can rest up and we'll go on. See ya later."
Show him that he doesn't really matter. There's one thing that your H has been craving from you ATTENTION.
It's like a little boy looking for attention from his mommy. Then when you pull away a little, he'll whine, complain, say you're unfair, etc. But don't give in. You've set up your life for yourself and have your own agenda. Don't accomodate your life for his. What will happen is that he'll run back to the OW and complain about how you are so unfair...boo hoo hoo. But eventually everyone is going to get sick of hearing it from him. That's the time when he's going to have to stop and actually think, hey maybe it's me that has a problem.
I don't think you necessarily have to give him an ultimatum. I think you're way early in the process for that, but only you will know how much you can tolerate.
I never thought I'd last this long too.
Don't be afraid to establish the schedule and see what happens. The next time he calls to cancel or complain about why he might not make it, CUT HIM OFF BEFORE HE STARTS. Then just tell him, that's okay, you're going to be fine being with the kids without him (in a nice way) and that you have to go or you'll be late. That's it.
He'll be chomping at the bit because he didn't get a chance to "brag" to you or explain his reasons to you. But you know what? It's none of your concern and you're a busy woman with a L. A L that has meaning and not just shallow parties.
Imagine him as one of your kids. It's alot easier to get over the fear when you see him like that.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
That's actually what really created misery in our M. I get your point but, I actually think I need to imagine him as an adult.
When he asked about the zoo, I did mention that maybe he might want to rest and the kids will be plenty occupied. He still came, bought all of the tickets, carried the heavy bag and left a bit early. Was fine.
Quote:
It's like a little boy looking for attention from his mommy. Then when you pull away a little, he'll whine, complain, say you're unfair, etc. But don't give in. You've set up your life for yourself and have your own agenda. Don't accomodate your life for his. What will happen is that he'll run back to the OW and complain about how you are so unfair...boo hoo hoo. But eventually everyone is going to get sick of hearing it from him. That's the time when he's going to have to stop and actually think, hey maybe it's me that has a problem.
Yes on the bold, I really need to work on that so thank you! The rest is pure projecting and speculation...:)
Quote:
Don't be afraid to establish the schedule and see what happens. The next time he calls to cancel or complain about why he might not make it, CUT HIM OFF BEFORE HE STARTS. Then just tell him, that's okay, you're going to be fine being with the kids without him (in a nice way) and that you have to go or you'll be late. That's it.
Again, yes on the bold in a major way and I struggle with that (obviously).
The near cancel was a text message apparently misinterpreted by me. I like how I handled it because without infusing all of my hostility and frustration, I just straight up asked what was up because I can make other plans. I really would NOT have been ok with him flaking knowing how rare and how difficult it is for me to get my kids covered AND that it would normally be his night. I would have been pissed. Also, he had insomnia, not out until 6 as I had projected (unless he's pathological which I can't really assume).
