I sat down at my computer about 10 hours ago, seriously considering writing a suicide note, procrastinating (because I couldn’t think of a way of doing myself in that was painless and neat) I googled ‘how can I save my marriage’ and the first link I saw took me to this site. I’ve been reading here ever since.
I feel shy writing on here. I have never written on a public internet thingy before. I am writing because I have made so many mistakes since my adulterous, disloyal, faithless, treacherous, two-timing, ass of a husband told me he’s sleeping with the widow of his best friend - that I need someone to reassure me that my case is not hopeless.
He told me 2 weeks ago. It came completely out of the blue. I still can’t believe it. He walked into the kitchen after work on Tuesday night and just said it. He said Hello first. Like normal. He came in, said Hello, kissed me on the forehead – and goes “Will, I know you have been pretty cranky about me spending so much time with &@%*. I have to tell you what’s really going on. I’m fcuking &@%*.”
My first reaction was perfect (according to what I’ve read here). I just looked at him, raised my eyebrows and said ‘darling, I’m so sorry she’s the best you could do. I feel insulted for you.’ And I got my bag and went out. But then it all went wrong.
I went to my girlfriend’s place and told her what he said. Turns out she knew!!! Her husband is friends with my husband – he knew and told his wife – 2 months ago!!##!! I was so hurt. I think everyone knows. Everyone except me. I think even my step kids know.
My girlfriend (and her husband came in halfway through) told me all these things that all our friends and acquaintances are saying. She told me horrible facts about times I’ve thought he was somewhere, but he’s been somewhere else with her – in public. My friend’s husband gave me evidence that I just couldn’t refute. I think for those first few hours I was in denial. I had NEVER had one minute’s doubt in that man’s faithfulness to me. NEVER in a million years did I think he would go with someone else. He adored me. He’s adored me for 15 years. We were the PERFECT couple. What happened?
I’ve been reading about deaths starting MLCs?? His best friend died about 8 months ago. I’ll call best friend Buck. I’ll call &@%* Mutt. Buck was diagnosed with serious cancer about 2 years ago. It was devastating for our whole circle. We are very close - well we were very close then. Buck was the Alpha male. He was super successful, hugely popular, very clever, reasonably handsome – you know, the whole package. What made him even more special was his tragic history. He and his wife (Mutt) – {even though half of me feels awful calling her that because I feel so sorry for her and I still think she’s really vulnerable) had lost 2 children – one of them after a long and distressing illness) and it nearly killed them. After the second death Buck went into professional overdrive, worked his butt off and excelled in his field. Mutt became a recluse – marinating in her grief.
B (my double-crossing, faithless husband) has been friends with Buck forever. They went to uni together. Buck and Mutt married young so the three of them had been tight for years before I came along. B has always had a soft spot for poor Mutt – but he’s always represented it as a “your so weak and pathetic it’s important to safeguard you” kind of way.
It is true that since Buck died I have told B I feel jealous of the amount of extra time he’s been spending with &@%*. Even though I complained about it and probably insinuated it could appear there was something inappropriate going on – I NEVER ACTUALLY THOUGHT THERE WAS ANYTHING INAPPROPRIATE GOING ON. NEVER NEVER NEVER.
Anyway, from the moment I got home from my girlfriend’s place on that first night – until late yesterday – I have behaved like a mad woman. I can’t seem to control myself. I can’t control how angry I am and how much I want to show him how angry I am. Even though after reading here I can see that’s the worst thing I can do. I don’t know if I can stop.
I’ve begged him to stop seeing her. He says he can’t do that. She’s “our” friend and it’s a tough time for her and she needs “our” support. I said she’s made it very clear she doesn’t want my support (which is another story, that makes sense to me now that I know what’s going on) she only wants your support. He agreed that she’s “got a few problems with me at the moment”. (Yeah – like I’m married to her lover!!!) I said well usually when there is some “problem” between one of us and one of our friends we take each others side – because we are a team – because we are MARRIED. He just says things like – well things are different at the moment. and I love you Will, but I love her too. I don’t want to lose you, but I’m not giving her up. I’ve been trying to talk sense into him – but now I realise he’s not hearing me.
A couple of nights ago, he was late coming home. I was so paranoid that he was with her that I called him. He didn’t answer the phone – so I kept ringing and ringing and ringing. I called his number nearly 100 times. He said it was on silent so he just didn’t hear it – but then he called me a psycho for calling that many times. The problem is – he’s right. I drank too much another night and I got into this fight with him and I was just screaming at him, behaving so inappropriately. I’m so ashamed of myself - but there is this rage covering this horrible, hopeless pain and I’ve never felt anything like it.
I fantasize about screaming at her too – screaming and worse. After I went crazy the first night, B advised her to go away for a while. She left the next day and has gone away to her sisters. I don’t know if I would have confronted her – but I’m pleased I haven’t had to make the choice. I don’t know when she’s coming back - she may already be back actually for all I know. Oh Goodness – don’t think about that Willow.
So – I don’t know if I’ve made any sense at all really – but I’d love help/advice on what I can do to redeem the situation. Part of me never wants to see him again – but part of me wants nothing more than to wipe out the past months as if they’d never happened.
oh honey, join the club....but do not think about suicide.
u can see my posts under infidelity.
it sucks. it does. it hurts, but u are not too late.
it is absolutely 100% normal to react the way u have.
and lets be honest, how many people can control themselves when faced with this? not me. not anyone.
and knowing her makes it worse.
my h left me for a factory worker from another country, doesnt make it better, i laugh at it actually, but atleast i dont know her.
u can pull it together, atleast in front of him.
read the posts on here, it will help.
read under infidelity, u will find some good advice.
i know about wanted to wipe out the last months, i know all about it.
i wish i could wipe out the last few years.
i wish i could offer some advice, but truthfully, nothing i tell u will take away the pain or the anger.
unfortunately, its a process that we have no choice but to go through.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Willow, I'm very sorry you are here, but you've come to the right place for support and advice.
Suicide is not the answer....don't give them the satisfaction of doing yourself in. He is not worth it by any means. Living your life to the fullest is the sweetest revenge possible on this earth.
Stop talking to him about her, do not associate w/her and live your life. Death has brought these two together and right now, it's going to be very difficult to get them to part ways. The less you say about it, the better.
Do not discuss anything about this situation w/your friends. These friends are still an integral part of the "circle" and will protect him at all costs. You've just had a good taste of that by them keeping information from you. Come here to talk/vent.
You are never alone here.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh Sweetie, I am sorry you are here. Please, please, if you have any more thoughts of suicide, reach out to someone. Believe me, your h or ow are not worth you giving up your life. Ok, take some deep breaths. Next, and this is very important - I promise you, you will be ok. The point of dbing is to help yourself, to become the best Willow you can be, to change the things that need changing, for you. Sometimes when that happens, your marriage is saved. As far as the OW, try hard not to give her any headspace. She is not worth it. I can promise you that if you continue to scream, call him constantly, plead, or anything like that - you will push him further away. So, try very hard to stop those things. You can do it. You will feel like you are upside down on a rollercoaster - that is normal. Go and get the book, Divorce Remedy." Read it several times. Do not talk to your h about the ow. Do not call him, or text him. Let him contact you. When you do have contact, be in control. Let him see that you have gotten a hold of yourself and you will be ok. These first weeks will be very difficult. Try to stay busy, make sure you eat and get enough rest. Read the MLC resources on this forum. Post as often as you can. We will be here to help. THe weekends are usually quiet, but we will post when we can. No matter what happens with your marriage, you will come out of this stronger and smarter. Hang in there. You will be ok.
I am sorry you are here but I will say that you have found a great place and you already have some wonderful people posting to you.
I want to echo everyone and say if you have more suicidal thoughts, please talk to someone. I would suggest right now maybe seeing your physician to get something to help you temporarily stabalize your moods.
When I first came here, I was angry, shocked, hurt, tired, frustrated and more angry. I couldn't stop my thoughts from spinning. I got on AD's for a very short time and they did help me to stop the whirlwind that was going on in my head and allowed me to begin to figure myself out.
This is a long road whether MLC or just OW, but as those that have been around for a while will say, it is actually an opportunity for you. I know it doesn't seem that way now. But it will. Get Divorce Remedy. Read it. Do NOT talk about OW or your R with H. It will just make him run to her. Honestly, right now, you have to focus on yourself. Come here and read and post and vent. I understand the anger you are feeling and I too still want to rage at my H sometimes but it does no good.
Snodderly is right. They have been brought together by death and grief. There is nothing you can do right now to change that. Just take care of yourself and know that people here will listen. The beginning really is the hardest. It does get better. You will be ok.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Thank you all so much for writing to me. You are very kind. I’m only half serious about suicide. I know it’s not the answer – but I feel so hopeless. It feels as though nothing is going to be right again. I feel as though the bottom has fallen out of my world. I feel as though this is so bad, so painful, it may be impossible to recover.
I do know in my head that’s not true. I have broken up with partners before and I know it does get better with time – but right now it just seems so overwhelming. I think it’s the betrayal more than anything.
I’m a grown up. I know what men and women do together and I’m not a prude – but I just can’t get the image of them together out of my head. I keep imagining them being intimate and I am winded by the image. I read somewhere here about using techniques for stopping
He’s just come home from golf with his son and they are both happy, happy, happy. I’m ‘acting as if’ – but I feel like a fool, because everyone knows what he’s doing and I’m just sitting here taking it – and smiling at the pleasure.
I’m taking myself out to lunch now so I don’t have to look at him.
So here's the thing. You're at the absolutely worst, rock-bottom point. Things get easier over time. Put yourself in a mode where it is about YOU first.
Do something nice for yourself today. Lunch is a start!
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
W Im Sorry for your pain..this is a good place to read and vent and realize you are not alone we have all been thru the ride so your H is confused right now he loves you and OW many of these WAS/MLcers will be pick the OW so this is your time now to DB to the fullest all the feelings you have now, we understand and it will be hard for you to be supportive of your H validate and listen to him but if you do, and he opens up to you, you may have a better understanding of what/why is is doing this MY XH just lied and keft it all secret, the OW ect so maybe it is good to be in open get a therapist for yourself one who is pro M this is so important to take care of your self right now if the suicidal thoughts continue,get help replace them with healthier thoughts practice repkacing You can get thru this all of us have and yes it is devastasing usually the LBS(us) comes out better happier stronger with streghth and a new pewrspective on life peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
So I had lunch and then I went shopping. I bought myself some new shoes and some ridiculously over priced cosmetics. It made me feel better for about 10 minutes.
The thing that worries me is that it is clear to me now that he is going to chose her. He believes in his heart of heart that she “needs” him. He feels as though he can save her. I don’t think he loves her more than he loves me (although - who knows what love is?), but I think he finds it easier to hurt me than to hurt her so he’s going to stay with her.
I think I’m going to have to move out. I don’t want to move out of my beautiful home. I love it here. I can’t stay here though with him actively being in a relationship with her. His 2 kids live here with us – so I could kick him out, but then I’m left here with them, which might be a bit weird.
He’s not here now. I asked my step son where he was and he said he thought he’d gone into the office for a little while. Yeah – the office – sure he has. I can’t bring myself to talk to the kids about it because I’m so worried they are going to say –yeah, we know all about that.
