Trying to stay strong

[mac-ct]

Hi Hopeful - welcome to FB

Taking time for yourself = v good.

Don't even bother trying to work out what's going on in H's head. It's going to be so *&&^%^ up you'll never manage to decipher it even with a code book.

Good stuff with asking for simple things. Great to keep some sort of contact going even though it's of the "business" nature. Keep your cool hon.

Maybe now is the time to box some of the H's stuff up. Seal them. If he asks what the box's are just say they are things that are going into storage until you need them. Let him chew over that.

Vent away HC. We have wide shoulders and understand more than others what you're going through.

And you're getting on with LIFE - great. GAL. Good stuff. Maybe just maybe H will remember about Sis being due. Maybe he won't. If he does and it gets him to ask then so be it. If it doesn't then so what. This is for real family - something that he's not part of right now. Sad isn't it?

HC - I've also been asking for someone to give me the script I need to follow to sort my $h!t out. The Wifey put me right - there isn't one. Bummer.

Just keep doing what your doing. Lean on us. Bang the keyboard whenever you feel like it.

(((((HC)))))

Mac

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks Mac, its great to know i can vent and lean on people here when needed. And yeh i finally got myself on FB to have a look around.

Journaling...
I was thinking just last night that I need to de-H the house more. I was thinking H's stuff + black garbage bags + empty space in the closet= good idea...just gotta get the energy to do it now. I can't believe he still has clothes in our, well 'my' closet and drawers in the bedroom. People keep telling me I am being way too nice and that if it were them it would all be on the curb by now.

I know theres no code book to decipher his tripe anyway, at least half the time i dont think HE even knows what he's on about. Letting it go.

I guess keeping contact even if it is just 'business' stuff is ok, it just makes me angry. he switches so fast from friendly to distant...maybe thats a sign of being 'conflicted' lol or just selfish! Some days his behavior is so ridiculous i just have to laugh. At least I can still laugh.

Several weeks ago when he did stop by he said oh ill just grab some of my clothes, i was like ok errr...and showed him the closet with his pile of clothes on the bottom of the closet(where he left them, thats how he 'keeps' them) and the rest was taken over by my clothes that I'd hung on what used to be his side. And then I said oh I put the rest packed up in an old suitcase for storage. He just stammered oh ok, nevermind then I'll just leave it. That seemed to throw him off a little, but *newsflash* you dont live here anymore so its my space now!

I am glad I've asked for the keys back. Just need to follow that thru this week. I feel less worried about being away when I know I am in control of my own place. If he asks why I'm going to let him know I have arranged for someone to stop and pick up my mail, etc while I'm away. I'm sure he wont ask, but if he does....maybe I should just be honest if he does ask and tell him bc I dont trust him! Ok Ok, stop thinking about things that havent happened and probably wont!

And if H mentions about my family or the baby at all then I'll tell him about it, if not, his lose. One thing he stated he definitely will miss is my family. They are more of a family to him than his own most the time and he was always so touched by how giving they all are and how much they gave to him in so many ways. We used to usually be visiting my family at his bday time in the summer and they'd always throw him a big party. Even the 1st year he was w me they threw a big party got him gifts and even made him a cake. He just couldnt believe it, his family aren't like that, you're lucky if you get a card let alone a phone call. anyway like I said his lose. And I know he def felt it this year when he was pretty down about his bday. I felt really sorry for him, but have to keep remembering it was his choice.

I know that H went down to his home town this weekend, found out bc the account he books his tickets on still sends emails to me about the bookings. He must of booked it last min bc it was pricey, he made a point of not telling me where he was going, just that he was 'away' so well whatever, i know now. Wonder if he saw any of 'our' friends (they havent spoke to me since he left so i guess they really arent my friends) or if he was just seeing family. cant help but wonder if he went on his own. surely he must of...ok ok again STOP this!! *Stop thinking* Move on...

Anyway got off on a few tangents there....
My focus for the week is to get everything in order for going away and that includes cleaning the house so its nice and clean to come home to, paying some bills, returning library books, laundry, packing and last min apts before I go. So will be busy organizing all week after work! But thats ok, that is something I am good at! Hope everyone is having a good monday!

[kara]

De-H the house. That is just cracking me up!

You know you're getting better when some of his behavior is making you laugh.

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks for stopping by Kara. The laughter comes and goes, but hey at least its here sometimes!

H contacted me today asking how I am? if I was free later? and when do I go away?

Nothing was confirmed for tonight so I said 'Im good, yeh I have some time tonight, does that work 4 u to drop the keys off?' also said Im leaving sat morning and that I hope he is ok 2.

So he has arranged to come by tonight, hasn't said anything about what or where, etc but just the time and asked if that is ok. so I said ok.

gosh why do I feel anxious, I should b used to this by now!

I dont know if he is planning on just dropping off or if he plans on doing something together. or if that should even be an option.

There are so many things I want to say to him...but probably shouldn't. Grr!!

[hopeful_cb]

Ok H just sent message asking do I really need the keys before I go bc they are packed in a box somewhere(he must be ready to move or something, never said more about it to me tho) and he doesnt have them with him. So now what, do I just act like it doesnt matter or do I say he needs to get them to me. The only reason I wanted them was to ensure he wasn't going to come round the house while I'm away....

And that makes me wonder if he wasnt meeting me to drop off the keys then why does he want to see me? Does he just want to meet before I go away or what?

This is really getting to me! Ugh!!

[hopeful_cb]

venting...

Well I didnt handle that very well. H called to explain about the keys, offered to go dig thru boxes if i really need them or that he could send them to another address while im away. I said ok, I'll think about it and if i really do need them I'll let him know but that those are good options.

I said I thought we were meeting to drop the keys off and he said yeh me 2 but he realized he didnt have them. Do you still want me to come? and I said well do you still want to come? and said its up to you, but then said about being kind of busy this week, etc. Ugh why cant he just say one thing or another!?! I didnt want to be all needy and say yes come see me anyway, but he wouldnt say he wanted to come w.o me asking and I wasnt going to ask. So I left it. He said sorry for messing up my plans.

I asked him a question about the move bc he was telling me about the boxes, he told me a couple things.

I asked about the address thing, he was all huffy and said ugh I dont have time for this... which is what he always says when he doesnt want to answer something. he gave a lame excuse and was like I would just be open with you about it if it were anything else. And I said ok, thats fine its not a big deal I just wondered what happened with that. he said some other crap and I just said ok, I understand that. I'm sure you can see where Im coming from too. He said theres no point, I would of just told you. again I said ok, thats fine, I dont know what you would of told me and not. I just didnt know and we havent talked much. to which he calmed down and said ok I guess thats understandable/he sees what I mean or something like that.

He ended saying he will def call me before I go and talk to me for sure. Stressed that a couple of times. So I just said ok, Ill talk to you later (thinking I'd made a mess of this call and just wanted to end it first).

[hopeful_cb]

And just now he's text saying he's going home now to look for them and if cant find them he will get them to a friend while im away. said he hopes thats ok and he didnt mean to upset me. and that he will talk or mail me about things.

I thought we just decided not to do this tonight! make up your mind!!

[hopeful_cb]

Venting!!
so many posts today venting frustrations, sorry there!

Followed by a phone call saying he 'found' them and will be here in an hr to drop them off.

why mess me around so much just to get back to the original plan?!

gosh, feel like i should just take the keys say thanks and shut the door in his face!

[mnt_dreams]

Sorry you had a tough day! Sometimes things really get under our skin, and his mixed messages were hard to take I'm sure.

Hang in there, and try to enjoy your trip. The time away will be good for you!

[hopeful_cb]

Hey Mnt, thanks for the support! I will definitely enjoy my trip, I wont let anything ruin that for me, not even H. And yeh the mixed messages really did get to me, I just have to keep reminding myself that he is like the crazy guy on the street corner, smile and nod but keep walking, what he says wont make sense.

I had a good day today. Work went fine, bit boring but hey cant all be fun and games. I booked myself in for a cut an color friday, wanted a change and just decided to go for it before I could change my mind.

Last night went fine in person, good even. Thats the strange thing we are always good face to face. I do ok on email or text but not so good on the phone. Will keep that in mind for future things.

There was quite a bit of conversation, I forgot to say a couple things I meant to say. He talked about work and expressed concern and well wishes for my mom and family. (no mention of the new niece/nephew on its way) He commented on my health as I had been out with the dreaded swine flu a few weeks ago. He talked about his move and lots of other things. I tried not to ask too many questions, but listened and commented on the work and family stuff, stayed away from anything else. It was so friendly that it seems crazy we are in this situation. I dont know I still dont 100% trust him and wonder if i'm being lied to but not gonna try to figure out things that i cant.

He said he wanted to see me 'properly' when I get back and suggested a dinner. Is he living on the same planet or what? can we say alien anyone??

Got a couple texts after he left and then an email today with a link to a show he said he came across and thought I would be interested (relates to my career/degree) and said he wanted to show me and to have a look if ive not see it yet....