A couple of months ago my W told me, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I was and am completely devastated. We have been married for close to 10 years and have two children: Age 3 and Age 4. We were college sweethearts. Married at age 23 and are both 34 now. We were (are) both very artistically minded and had dreams of becoming actors or writers or something in the movie business. After we graduated we got "normal" jobs and started doing the normal life thing (grown up thing?). We lived in my hometown for 8 years. She had always expressed her dissatisfaction with us living there and my stubborness kept us there, thinking that she would grow to like it or change her mind, I always thought (and still somewhat think) wherever you go, there you are. That satisfaction lives within someone, not in outside places or surroundings. She explained that she longed to move close or back to her hometown 6 hours away. So it took me a couple of years to find the right job to finance our family and we moved about 45 minutes from her hometown. I thought that I had successfully given her what she had needed at the time. She is also a stay at home mom with our children which she expressed that she longed for after our first child was born. We have sacrificed financially for several years to make that happen as well. The first couple of years at our new home seemed to go o.k. However, I drifted into complete work mode and started to neglect her needs, stopped communicating effectively with her, and things started crumbling down from there up to this point. I since then have started several self help books including DB. The first month has been awful. 5 or 6 days ago she stated that she thinks she should leave me. That she thinks we were better friends in college and that I am a good father and that we should maybe live like that. I have also heard from friends (not from her) that she is looking at houses and for jobs in her hometown (45 minutes away). She started therapy for herself (which she says is helping her some) about a month ago and we start couples therapy next week. It has been hard for me to figure out what I need to do to see some type of progress in getting on track. I started doing things for myself (maybe for her in the beginning) like getting a new hair cut, buying some new clothes, working out, doing some household chores that she typically does and continue to do more at this point. I have given her a lot of space recently and I wasn't exactly sure that was working too well. I have also within the last week or so tested AS IF strategies, and 180's. Without getting too confident I feel like some progress has actually occurred within the last week or so. Last Saturday (I felt desperate and some may think this is a no-no) I told her that I wanted to recconnect with her, that I didn't want her to leave me and that I wanted her to open up to me. This is when she said she wanted to leave me and that I was irresponsible, I was bad with money and that she needed to do what she could to make her and the kids happy. She said that she knows she is being selfish but that she thinks this is the way it needs to be. I held back and said that "I understand." She said that all she wants to do is be happy. I told her that I want her to be happy as well. We both started crying and she asked if she could hug me. She also held my hand for a few minutes (that is about as intimate as we have been in 2 months). Two days later on Memorial day she said why don't you go fishing you haven't gone for a while." I told her I've been fishing by myself on off days for two years, why don't you go hiking and have a day for yourself. She said o.k. and spent the day hiking. The next day, for the first time since the bomb (instead of talking to some of her friends, which she has been doing a lot. Especially new enabler friends that do not know me - old high school friends) she opened up to me and told me some of the things that she has discussed with her counselor in regards to her parents and their relationship. Since the beginning I have told her that I wanted to be her friend again and that I know that I have been gone in that regards for a long time. The last few days I think the new strategy of AS IF (I am happy and I can move on with or without you) and doing the small chores etc. seem to be working. For the past week we have watched movies and t.v. together every night (something we have not done in several months, even before the bomb). Her birthday is tomorrow and we are going out to some different places. Last week she had told me that she wanted to go out with her friends on her birthday, I told her sure you can. Yesterday I asked her did you still want to go out with your friends or do you want me to take you somewhere. She said no I haven't talked to them, I think we should go out. She seems somewhat excited. We are going to a comedy club and told her in the next couple of weeks one of our favorite comedians is going to be there and that I wished that he was there for her birthday. She said maybe we can go see him in a couple of weeks too (I think she was trying to catch herself to not get overly excited). The last few days she has mentioned some of these future type scenarios. After she got back from hiking she said, "I loved it maybe we could take...(catching herself) I think (our children's names) would love it. She also called me out of the blue yesterday and said "did you get that text from the phone company? That seems like a better deal, we should sign up for that." SO that leads me up to tonight. I don't want to get to overly excited about the last few days, but I don't want to continue to think we are going south. This is such a roller coaster. I am trying to focus on getting myself better and seems that it is having some type of impact over the last couple of days. As you can tell I am taking this day by day.
One of my questions would be, am I getting my hopes up too soon? am i doing the right thing to continue pushing forward? I am somewhat laying off the giving her space and seems like she is responding. I know this is a marathon and not a sprint.
SORRY, I'll repost, I was using a new browser that I'm not great at. Hope this is easier to read.
A couple of months ago my W told me, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I was and am completely devastated. We have been married for close to 10 years and have two children: Age 3 and Age 4. We were college sweethearts. Married at age 23 and are both 34 now.
We were (are) both very artistically minded and had dreams of becoming actors or writers or something in the movie business. After we graduated we got "normal" jobs and started doing the normal life thing (grown up thing?). We lived in my hometown for 8 years. She had always expressed her dissatisfaction with us living there and my stubborness kept us there, thinking that she would grow to like it or change her mind, I always thought (and still somewhat think) wherever you go, there you are. That satisfaction lives within someone, not in outside places or surroundings. She explained that she longed to move close or back to her hometown 6 hours away.
So it took me a couple of years to find the right job to finance our family and we moved about 45 minutes from her hometown. I thought that I had successfully given her what she had needed at the time. She is also a stay at home mom with our children which she expressed that she longed for after our first child was born. We have sacrificed financially for several years to make that happen as well.
The first couple of years at our new home seemed to go o.k. However, I drifted into complete work mode and started to neglect her needs, stopped communicating effectively with her, and things started crumbling down from there up to this point. I since then have started several self help books including DB. The first month has been awful. 5 or 6 days ago she stated that she thinks she should leave me. That she thinks we were better friends in college and that I am a good father and that we should maybe live like that. I have also heard from friends (not from her) that she is looking at houses and for jobs in her hometown (45 minutes away).
She started therapy for herself (which she says is helping her some) about a month ago and we start couples therapy next week. It has been hard for me to figure out what I need to do to see some type of progress in getting on track. I started doing things for myself (maybe for her in the beginning) like getting a new hair cut, buying some new clothes, working out, doing some household chores that she typically does and continue to do more at this point.
I have given her a lot of space recently and I wasn't exactly sure that was working too well. I have also within the last week or so tested AS IF strategies, and 180's. Without getting too confident I feel like some progress has actually occurred within the last week or so. Last Saturday (I felt desperate and some may think this is a no-no) I told her that I wanted to recconnect with her, that I didn't want her to leave me and that I wanted her to open up to me. This is when she said she wanted to leave me and that I was irresponsible, I was bad with money and that she needed to do what she could to make her and the kids happy. She said that she knows she is being selfish but that she thinks this is the way it needs to be. I held back and said that "I understand." She said that all she wants to do is be happy. I told her that I want her to be happy as well. We both started crying and she asked if she could hug me. She also held my hand for a few minutes (that is about as intimate as we have been in 2 months).
Two days later on Memorial day she said why don't you go fishing you haven't gone for a while." I told her I've been fishing by myself on off days for two years, why don't you go hiking and have a day for yourself. She said o.k. and spent the day hiking. The next day, for the first time since the bomb (instead of talking to some of her friends, which she has been doing a lot. Especially new enabler friends that do not know me - old high school friends) she opened up to me and told me some of the things that she has discussed with her counselor in regards to her parents and their relationship.
Since the beginning I have told her that I wanted to be her friend again and that I know that I have been gone in that regards for a long time. The last few days I think the new strategy of AS IF (I am happy and I can move on with or without you) and doing the small chores etc. seem to be working. For the past week we have watched movies and t.v. together every night (something we have not done in several months, even before the bomb). Her birthday is tomorrow and we are going out to some different places. Last week she had told me that she wanted to go out with her friends on her birthday, I told her sure you can. Yesterday I asked her did you still want to go out with your friends or do you want me to take you somewhere. She said no I haven't talked to them, I think we should go out. She seems somewhat excited. We are going to a comedy club and told her in the next couple of weeks one of our favorite comedians is going to be there and that I wished that he was there for her birthday. She said maybe we can go see him in a couple of weeks too (I think she was trying to catch herself to not get overly excited).
The last few days she has mentioned some of these future type scenarios. After she got back from hiking she said, "I loved it maybe we could take...(catching herself) I think (our children's names) would love it. She also called me out of the blue yesterday and said "did you get that text from the phone company? That seems like a better deal, we should sign up for that." SO that leads me up to tonight. I don't want to get to overly excited about the last few days, but I don't want to continue to think we are going south.
This is such a roller coaster. I am trying to focus on getting myself better and seems that it is having some type of impact over the last couple of days. As you can tell I am taking this day by day.
One of my questions would be, am I getting my hopes up too soon? am i doing the right thing to continue pushing forward? I am somewhat laying off the giving her space and seems like she is responding. I know this is a marathon and not a sprint.
There are a few things I am leaving out...but I know the post is long...
puppy is the expert here, but i'll put my two cents worth in anyway. you're doing a good job of finding things that "the two of you" USED to enjoy. keep it up. you're doing a good job. don't cave in and bow to her every need, but i'm sure you like doing this stuff as well. become friends again. that's where most of us have went wrong. at least she seems receptive. enjoy it and enjoy your time together. you find your friendship again you/she will find your love again. women are more about emotions than the physical/sex thing. she wants you to be there for her. be there for her. just don't suffocate her. me and my WAW started our relationship out inseparable. i was coming out of a marriage with a daughter that i had every other weekend and when we didn't have her we were always together. then our boys and increased bills and whatever else happened and we grew apart. i turned to my "friends" at work and then she went back to work and she turned to her "friends" at work. we both allowed ourselves to drift apart. don't make that mistake. if you're like most couples you were friends before lovers. yeah, kids make it tough, realities of life make it tough, but don't ever forget who your best friend is. in a marriage, passion comes and goes, but that friendship always has to be there. don't force yourself down her throat, but make life fun for her and make her enjoy your time together. make the date nights that most of us let tend to let slowly fade away. get away and enjoy each other away from the hustle and bustle of every day rigors. the joy that you get from that friendship will bring the love and passion back. just take it slow. i'm fairly new here, so i hope i don't overstep my bounds and give advice that is "not by the book", but i know that things will get better for you if you don't make the same mistakes a lot of us have made. my WAW leaving for another man is by no means right. but i could've done a lot of things different and she wouldn't have even made that an option. my advice is, keep it up. other may disagree, but we'll see.
M35 H33 S4 S7 M6 T11 found out about OM 03/11/09 she left 04/11/09 she filed D 04/21/09
Be patient. I'm sure you will get lots of good advice on whether you are getting your hopes too soon. Some of us have been at this for months/years. Many of us (me) would love to be where you are now. You are using the term "we" quite often. That says that you are on the right track.
Thanks for all the advice. I am so confused at this point, back and forth. I want to be thinking rationally that this is getting somewhat better.
I am trying to be patient. I guess it is hard for me to balance when to push forward and when to act AS IF. We texted each other like 10 times today deciding on where to eat and where to go out. I think that was too much, but I don't know. I want to talk to her more (because I think it's working) but I also think the AS IF is working as well.
I'm also concerned (Fear) that she is possibly pleasing me and agreeing with or doing things with me to make me happy or not hurt my feelings or put up a front so to speak. Is that humanly possible to do with all the emotions that have been running back and forth? Would you have to be a heartless mastermind communicator to have that type of control over your emotions?
Also it seems like for the past couple of months she has been emotionally trying to detach from me. I responded in a way (at least the first 6-7 weeks) that might have continued to fuel that. Giving her space space space. It wasn't until recently (I mean within the last 6-7 days that I noticed small changes and responses when I talk to more) Compliment her. Thank her for everything, etc. etc.
easy there, tiger. don't compliment her more more more. yes genuinely appreciate her, but don't overdo it. think what your natural reaction is and do half that.
she needs a little space to breathe. there's no risk in that. you don't seem to be worried about OM yet, so there is a lot more hope than most of us on here. take your time and enjoy it. enjoy it for you, too, and not just her.
get back to the roots of your relationship. be her friend. not someone she has to please and answer to. if you're like most of us you've forgot the small pleasures in life because you focused too much on work, bills, yada,yada. you forgot to enjoy. you might just find that your love for her grows as much as her love for you. you'll be fine. don't look for trouble where there is none. don't overthink. guessing will make you as crazy as the rest of us and you aren't there yet. don't go there. ease off and give her a little space and enjoy it. for you and her.
M35 H33 S4 S7 M6 T11 found out about OM 03/11/09 she left 04/11/09 she filed D 04/21/09
