PM Thread #6 - New Life for Number1 - Me

[PositivelyMommy]

Hey Karen, yes, they are missing out. They think they are finally having 'fun' now but missing all the best parts of life, you are so right.

Oh well, can only save myself at the moment, I can't save my H.

[25yearsmlc]

Hey Karen, yes, they are missing out. They think they are finally having 'fun' now but missing all the best parts of life, you are so right.

Oh well, can only save myself at the moment, I can't save my H.

Well said. You are doing so well it's hard for me to comment much, as I'm not really adding. I'll say the breast cancer also reminds us NOT to take idiot MLC behavior so seriously that we literally let it kill US AND gives us perspective on the MIL feeling bad about "her" time with kids gone...yeah, too bad, so sad..." I mean, bfd, there are REAL problems in the world so don't spend 2 more minutes on that one...

But I feel for her too as she loves those kids and until idiot son screwed up, YOU felt close to her and she's losing YOU as well and I am sure she does love you as well. (Maybe this is b/c I have a son but no, he's not in a R!!) b/c I think maybe b/c she thought supporting her son was supporting her grandkids.??

Oh well, who knows? Who cares? It's all about YOU now, my friend. How's YOUR LIFE AND KIDS?

(( j ))

[PositivelyMommy]

My life is so great right now. Another spot of good news among the doom and gloom of my romantic life.

I did 2 interviews for a job about 3 weeks ago. Lost out to someone else. So I sent an e-mail to them to thank them for their time and if anything else comes up to let me know.

Lo and behold I got a call out of the blue from them yesterday. "Are you still interested in working for us? Can you start right away?"

Life is so crazy. My professional life is taking off leaps and bounds all because idiot H dumped me. I GAL'd, found myself, looked at my mistakes, corrected my behavior and people and jobs are flocking to me.

So, I can't complain. This is a wonderful life changing experience in disguise.

H, eat your heart out!

[25yearsmlc]

PM,

What a fun post to read!! "Dear Wacky Universe, THANK YOU!"

((( j )))

[PositivelyMommy]

H will be taking the kids out tomorrow night. It means I will miss them heaps because I won't see them until Sunday night. But the good thing is that I don't need to see H that much either. A good thing since I realize that he is toxic in my life now.


Trying to connect with friends more and concentrate on me. Difficult to do since have been Mom and wife for so long. Always putting other people first. It feels a little like trying to write with my left hand when I've been a right hander all my life. Feels awkward. But this is medicine so I have to do it, get used to it because I know it's good for me.

[PositivelyMommy]

I just talked on the phone with the guy who had the job before me. He is so down on it that it got ME down. I guess if he loved it then he would not have left, right?

But his comments were rather valid, that it was not paid enough for the amount of work that went into it. That there's a lot of bureaucracy, that the hours were long and that the some of the coworkers don't know what they are doing. All very valid points.

Now I need to figure out if it is worth it for me to do the job and gain the experience. Or if I should not take this oppty and wait for something better to come along.

Umm, tough one. It's hard to know what the future holds. I guess I will think abt it this weekend and see. Maybe get a few friends' opinions.

I used to ask my H abt stuff like this when we were together, I really valued his opinion on stuff like this, job, big world related stuff.

Now I really miss him and his role as my best friend and sounding board.

Yes, it was so good. I didn't imagine it. It really did happen. He can't take my memories away from me by his lies. I remember it well...

[25yearsmlc]

Okay first...the job

How can the experience hurt you? It can't and he COULD be a bit more down than most b/c um....oh yeah, he's leaving. Either due to burn out that MAY not happen to you OR due to problems HE had, that you MAY not have....and in the meantime if all his stuff is valid, you have more experience on your resume and you are in a much better position to look for work FROM a job than without one. Seriously. These are tough times. "Waiting for another opportunity" --why would that same opportunity NOT come, if you took this job? Honey it will or it won't and in the meantime you will have some moolah in your bank acct. The ONLY downside to this IF there is one, is legal. Does your L say not to earn $$ while waiting for a property settlement/alimony (some states care, some don't, and I forgot where you are) but the discrepancy in income COULD matter. Sometimes being poor is a good thing, like when the WAS is way better off. Can you ask your L or did you guys already cover this? My L told me not to get work for awhile but the real reason I waited was the child psych saying "Oh, if you get a full time job NOW, your child will have lost both parents..." so that stung a bit. I wanted to work to start the GAL process...

As for your h's opinion....yeah, he has/had some good qualities and it sucks to miss them. Can't lie about that. But then again, he is a workaholic and...he's not here now. You need new "professional mentors" or best friends.

GAL --- I went to a jewelry making class (well, there was also wine tasting...) which is something that bores the hell out of me BUT I went b/c there were some pretty funny people and it was a stretch (and the wine tasting was good....) and part of GAL with or without h, since I need to take my own advice and not wait for h to come home (whether from the cancer place with his mom or from being a WAS. Meaning, regardless of why the spouses are gone and even if you know they're returning, our lives cannot be about waiting for them and just filling in time with superficial activities until they return...make sense?)

It's not my cup of tea (No, it's WINE!! okay, sorry I digress) but you know, GAL is partly trial and error.

Anyhow, sorry about the sad sad grief part of this, and wish I could spare you some. I know the move will help. When will that take place?

((( j )))

[PositivelyMommy]

Hey 25yrsMLC,

As you can probably tell, I am one to go out and ask for advice if I have problems. So when you said to go and find best friends and 'professional mentors' that was what was on my mind as well. So I called up an acquaintance and asked her over to talk abt the job. I don't know her very well but she is a professional in the new field that I am interested in and it was very enlightening. I told her about my personal stuff as well and she put her two cents worth.

It's amazing, I think, that there are wonderful women/friends out there that will give you the support you need, all you have to do is open up and ask and people will flock to you. This has been proven to me again and again this year and I have not been disappointed yet. I know God is looking after me by putting all these new people in my life to 'replace' my lost R.

Anyway, she had a good idea, maybe we can share the job, which I LOVE. Reason being, I can learn so much from her, I don't think I can do this job on my own and if I had a bit of training, and if she can train me, that would be EXCELLENT! The money part, I don't mind so much, I want the training and the experience to go in the resume. I'd rather learn from a professional than bumble along on my own and not doing a very good job.

So I will hear from her in the next day or so and see if she is serious then we will probably approach the company with our job sharing plan, I hope they go for it.

So you see, you were right and all the advice I have gotten has been fab.

Even if this job doesn't turn out, I have found another strong friend in the process so I would have gained in the end.

I really feel blessed at the moment and feel life is wonderful.

Now, the only part is the M. I am beginning to feel that in order to start out with a clean plate, I really need to file for D.

I think it's the fact that H told me that he won't be coming back. I think that killed off the last bit of hope in my heart and finally I am free to contemplate REAL life without him.

These few weeks I feel happy now because I have not felt 'torn'. Don't feel the need to 'try so hard' and to 'be perfect'. Now that we don't even have family days don't even bother me. In fact, I feel that the less I see him, the calmer I am.

Detachment.

[PositivelyMommy]

Been reading 'The Manipulative Man', my H seems to fall into two main categories, the 'Workaholic' and the 'Passive Agressive'. Now I can see clearly how our dynamic worked.

He was workaholic. I asked him to participate in family life. He replied yes or well, I'll see how work schedule is but he never shows up. I want to talk about it, he avoids the confrontations. This pattern repeats itself so I nag, he sees that as me being a terrible person and an annoyance to him and not approving his work. He doesn't see that he contributed to the dynamic.

Unfortunately even with one year's counselling he is still very much both these things. He is still passive agressive, won't discuss things but withholds and uses it to control my behavior. However, because I see this now, I no longer nag. I am going to bust my as* to break this pattern.

Nor will I criticize, another thing I need to watch out for according to the book.

So here I am, I can't move forward because he won't discuss the details of our separation/D because it would involved 'ugly' convos. If I press, then I am repeated pattern above. So I guess I just need to wait it out so he can come to the table and give me what I need e.g. financial side, etc.

Am still in limbo. Just wanted to get this over and done with.

[PositivelyMommy]

Not feeling so great. Just thinking about how manipulative my H has been. I asked him to sign some papers so I can start the move back home. He refused. But he asked me to sign some papers for taxes, I did it right away for him.

I am feeling used and is seeing the way that he points the finger at me and accusing me of making accusations of not trusting him to make me do what he wants me to do.

I feel that I am at his mercy right now. If he doesn't sign off on my papers, then he can accuse me of kidnapping eventhough he mentioned numberous times that he would help us move back to be with my family. I guess now that the time has come to pull the plug, he is having second thoughts about the kids being so far away.

I keep thinking he should have thought of that before inviting someone else into our M. Wouldn't it be better to work on M together with a C together? So now he has been to C, he says he is more engaged with kids the once a week he sees kids. But he is totally over me.

I just feel I am still under his thumb. I tell him what I want but without his cooperation, I can't really take the kids away. I don't want to be arrested.