Took awhile, but I guess I have decided what is next for me to a certain degree. It might change, and I'm OK with that, but I feel as if I've made my peace with it.
I have decided that the ball is in his court per say. I know this probably is wrong, but I'm OK with it. I have emailed him and told him that I do love him, but I feel as if I have talked, written, and done everything I can at this point. He needs to address it eventually, see someone, whatever he wants . As of now, I'm OK in my marriage as it stands, but may not always be. Just seems silly to keep harping on someone who has no interest, or say's he doesn't know how anymore. In my opinion, IF you love someone, and want a change, you either work on it together, or you figure it out. It's uncomfortable, yes, never said it was easy, and if he truly wants a change, then he'll seek it out. If not, then nothing I could have done more would change that anyway.
Do I think I can live in a sexless marriage?? hmmmmmmm Not sure, doubtful, but I love him enough to try, and wait and see. However I also love myself enough to say that if I can't, it's OK and I tried all I could. IF I leave this marriage in the future, it is with the knowledge I did my best. I'm not giving up, I'm just leaving it in his hands now.
I'm happy with this, less pressure. Do I hope for more, yes, but it can't be forced or begged out of him. IF he's being honest in saying he also wants more, then he will maybe figure out how to on his own. Holding his hand, and trying to lead him wasn't working, and wont.
Diane - Thanks for checking in with us. Its hard to say if this is a good or bad update? But you do sound more grounded and calm, so for that much, I'm happy for you.
Please let us know if he reaches out to you at all, or if there are any changes.
So, not a lot new. I think he's trying in his own way. He calls so often now, at first I'd ask if there was anything wrong as I'm not use to all the phone calls. We have lived so separately for so long, it was odd. We talk a lot more now, and I've stopped asking what's wrong... lol But I'm sure this is all it will be. For him, it's probably the world, and that's too bad. For me, I'm happy, and accepting it for what it is.
Still involved in a ton, so Im very busy. I am not sending more emails or trying to talk to him, and I don't feel anxious anymore. Why chase some1 who doesn't appear to get why your chasing. lol He's missing out, and I won't miss out forever...
OK.............. So I am at a loss. I think you all have probably been waiting for this.
I just don't know what to do here. I don't want to leave, nor can I really. I thought I was ok. I think it was an act. I'm not happy, and I'm getting to a point where I'm not even sure I like him.
He was just home, and I don't know him anymore. He made a comment that he likes being home. I didn't say it, but my first instinct was to say, " why . " He's not really a part of this family. He's just not. Hes definitely not a husband either. Ughh!
I've told him I'd leave him alone. He seems happy, he really does. Can I say something? What do I say ? How do I say it?
Why can't you, if that is what you thought was best? Are you tied to him economically? Or is there some other form of security involved? Are you afraid of battles over the children?
Just trying to get a better picture here.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Financially I am tied to him at the moment. I hate saying that, as it sounds like a weak statement. But it's true. I have a disability, and maybe facing surgery soon. I have a messed up back.
Bottom line though, I really want to know why still, and I do love him.
I don't think there is a "why" beyond: he is the way he is, and he doesn't want to change. He will not acknowledge any problem with the way that he is: from his standpoint, there IS no problem -- he's happy as he is. He doesn't want to talk about your unhappiness: from his standpoint, that's YOUR problem, and your problem to handle.
You've tried multiple times to approach him about your relationship / sexual problems, and every time you get deflected and put off. He brushes your concerns aside while he's at home, and avoids communication about them while he's away. Trying to ask him "why" now will simply result in more of the same.
More-of-the-same behavior on your part (trying to have R talks or discussions via phone, letter, or email) will simply result in more-of-the-same behavior on his part (silence and dodging).
Based upon your history, I think that your best approach is to live your own life, for yourself, and let him live his -- just leave him alone about your complaints, for now. When he's away, just do your own thing, and when he's home, make it a pleasant visit (as much as you can).
You need to do something **different** and focus your efforts on YOU, not him.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Hi, kiddo. All along I've thought your H might be making really good money because he works so far from home. More than he would earn working in town. I wondered if the original plan was to do this to build some financial security for the future. Also, somewhere I got the impression you do a lot w/your kids and don't work full time. Divorce would be a huge financial hit and it would be difficult to work full time with your health issue and support yourself and kids. My sitch was a bit similar when my kids were the age yours. Altho I worked full time, we had to have both incomes. Back then SSM/SSW wasn't an issue, tho.
Long distance marriages are tough even with the best relationships. Saying he likes being home shows he enjoys family life and is probably lonely when he's away. You may be building financial security, but at the cost of getting older without each other. How do the other guy's wives cope with that? A bit like military wives I'm guessing. Perhaps telling him one more time that you want & need him to want & need you & you can't live this way indefinitely, then let it drop. After your back is better, you may be in a better frame of mind with that stress gone, and can tackle H again. Take care of yourself. You will be better able to deal with him later. Let us know how you're doing, we care about you. Jayce
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
