BND.. you misunderstood me, I was joking, I wasnt telling you to not post at all, just I didnt need harsh words. I am ok, I dont exepct him to go any faster, this is the pace we should be going out. Jody DB coach said an interesting thing, that he WAS ends up doing good DBing when they want back.. take it slow, work on getting to know you again, build a friendship, too soon for romance etc.. all without ever reading the books!
So she said to match him and also to flirt with him too ! I need lessons in flirting...
Hi Dawn!.. yes, thats true, he has issues of his own still to work on. I talked to Jody also about that, she said he is clinically depressed still and skittish emotionally and I have to not overwhelm him, or allow him to overwhelm himself. I dont think I am a rebound as such though, as he never loved Helen! Thank goodness.
Hey T! Thanks for the reminder! Jody said we arent ready for romance even, that we are STILL in friendship mode! So I had to email him about our perspective tenants today and made it light and chatty.. he responded in kind and signed it "me". I need to speak to him about it, but I just dont want to phone him still !
I have a dilemma. He invited me to his house Saturday night to go out to the pub with MF (who I know too) but that would involve us all drinking and then me staying over.. Jody felt I either shouldnt go at all, or shouldnt stay. But, I know one of hte reasons he left was because I refused so many invites for us to go out socialising together and would tell him to go by himself.. so I think it would be counterproductive to NOT go. She said I should not do too much on his terms yet, but make him work for me a little.. come over to my village one night instead. I dont know...
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
If I've learned anything it's that each situation is unique, but also that Jody usually has a point. So, could you do this halfway and accept the invitation but not stay over? Maybe you're too busy with school etc.? In this way you get to show him the fun-loving Ali, while still demonstrating the fact that you have your own life now, and he needs to show you why he should be a bigger part of it?
You also have the choice in terms of how much you drink. If this loosens your tongue too much could you hold back on this occasion(can't be hungover for schoolwork etc.)? This might also give you a bit of insight as your "ex" is likely to reveal more than you are if he's been drinking a lot and you haven't...
I'd say go with your gut instinct on this one, as long as you are sure that whatever situation you are in you can act cool and calm.
-ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Jody felt I either shouldnt go at all, or shouldnt stay. But,
....
in all honesty Ali ask yourself could you go and not drink and return to your home at the end of the evening. I am assuming the Not going isn't an option you are considering. You have to remember this is going to be a new relationship so maybe all the "buts" can be put in the past at least for now. Some great professional advice take it slow build a friendship not overwhelm him we arent ready for romance even, not do too much on his terms make him work for me a little..
Are you on track with college work, can you really afford half a week end off at this stage. You know best so good luck.
Now don't throw stuff at me but I think you should go. Don't drink at all or maybe only one. Keep it light and fun and then come back home. Let's think about it: If this was someone new, you wouldn't be spending the night right away and this is and has to be looked as a new R. You want it better than last time right? Otherwise you could end up right back in the mess you have been working so hard to get out of.
Be patient dear Ali. He wants you too. Let's not rush.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thankyou everyone..Hey GFI! no, its too far for a taxi and he DID invite me, so he wants me there.. and I wont have seen him all week, so I dont think its too much to go?
I'm more worried about the phonecall we just had. Problem is, there is no communication. He sounded shut down and distant and even said he was tired and irritable (but my BFF says to remember he has depressoin and is struggling and wants to go back on ADs).. he had football but got the time wrong so made everyone turn up too early and felt bad for messing up, as he said and looking a fool and annoying everyone. I tried to validate and say I can see he would feel bad. He asked about college but wasnt really listening to the answer and after 10 minutes of chat, said he wanted to go and then said, oh well, I guess I will talk to you tommorow..or something. He just sounded like a man cornered.
Jody suggested I tell him, you said you wanted to take this slow, absolutely, I think thats right and I am ok with that. BFF said to say ask him how he wants to work this, is he comfortable with having space in the week and perhaps we can do things on the weekend, but he doesnt have to feel like he should phone me every night. Trouble is, we havent and dont talk on this level (and never on the phone).. so she said, try saying some of these things as soon as you can.. when you next see him. Both she, and Jody said, its about setting healthy boundaries for hte new R that we are both comfortable with.
After hearing the tone in his voice, he isnt sounding at all comfortable. BFF was saying we have been friends then lovers then this tremendous split tore us apart and now we need to put the trust back and that will take time.. and I said, I know it does, as it did after my EA and I know it takes lots of TALKING and reassurance. And then I realised, he has given me none and doesnt look like he intends to. He hasnt even said he wants me back.
Ali, agree with what seems to be the majority. Go, but don't let it turn into a sleep over. If you are still working on your projects, you have a perfect excuse for not overindulging, and going home for the night. You need to get up early the next day!
Thats really upset me.. it sounded like last August, when he was gave me the brush off, before dating her. He just sounded awkward and disinterested and sort of detached.. cold? This is NOT how I imagined it would be if we ever got back together. I thought he would be sweet, interested, want to talk, to see me.. (unrealistic I know). I am sick of DBing, why cant I just be honest with him? (nope, not allowed hey).
This is very very hard. I had him in the palm of my hand Friday, now he sounds like a 10 minute phone call is a chore. I guess he is still depressed and he feels inadequate anyway without messing up with friends.
So Cyrena, if you are still reading, did your H give you the cold treatment when he first came back??
Its very hard to reamain confident and chirpy when he is being this confusing. Its making me nervous.
I feel like I need to let him know that he doesnt have to call me if he is tired and thats ok. I dont want him to feel pressurised or that things are moving too fast or as Jody said, he will leave again.
