Read this book if you are depressed, read it if you are a woman, just read it...but maybe don't read the final third of the book. The end is a MAJOR disappointment--I'm telling you. It's like you're walking hand-in-hand with yourself through soul-searing depression in Part 1, take this amazing spiritual journey towards happiness and enlightenment in Part 2--this part is so incredible, mine is completely underlined and dog-eared and revisited constantly--and then end up with a guy that makes your skin crawl in Part 3. Do not advance to part three, either in real life or in the book!!! But the rest of the book is amazing. Really and truly.
This book was sooooo helpful to me last year. I read it during the two-week trip from hell when my husband hardly spoke to me. Part 2 was such a gift at exactly the time I needed it - so many of her mantras are etched in my mind and I refer back constantly!
Part 3 was definitely a disappointment, but I was able to visit Bali a few months ago and reading the book before visiting allowed me to keep my eyes open for things I may not have noticed otherwise. I wasn't as creeped out as you were by the guy, but the entire 'fund-raising' part was self-indulgent and unnecessary. I'll have to check out your other suggestions.
I wish things could have turned out better for you and your xh, but I have a feeling something incredible is just around the corner.
Stay strong and true to yourself, iamlost - why haven't you changed your user name yet, by the way???!!! iamfound, iamremarkable, iamfabulous - any of these are much more fitting. ;-)
P.S. I wonder what happened to our other 8/13 anniversary, I'mstillhopeful (or some variation of that name)...
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
gfi!!!!!! Oh honey, I looked for you awhile back and couldn't find you, but then saw that your divorce was BUSTED and I'm just grinning from ear to ear!!! I need to go read your posts, but let me respond first...
I had mixed feelings about the 'fund-raising', too. I've been to Bali as well, and although I thought it was an admirable thing to do in some ways, was also kind of offended by the way it was handled. A lot of Western paternalism came into play, and that did factor into my feelings about the end. It's kind of hard for me to articulate why without totally ruining the book for anyone else, so...I'll just shut up now.
It's so funny how many people hate my username. The reason I've kept it is that it's actually a line to a song that first gave me hope when my X left, and to me symbolizes letting go, losing the person that I was. It's like a loss of my ego...which I guess actually pertains to the book as well. Huh.
13 is still my lucky number baby, no one can take that away!!
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I just went down to the mailbox because I had a feeling there was something for me in there, and sitting there's a card from my XMIL. Who hasn't contacted me in over 6 months. Addressed to me with my XH's last name as my last name (which it never was, legally, and definitely isn't now as we're D, plus is extremely painful for me to see).
So, I open it and it's dated the day after the event when XH saw me with the NG.
Basically, she repeated exactly what she said in her last e-mail to me 6 months ago, which I replied to kindly then. She's sorry if it seems like she doesn't care about losing me. She's very emotional and can't talk to me without crying (so I guess I'm meant to infer that's why she hasn't), but that she has cried over it. She can't live her son's life for him, but she truly is sorry and has lovely memories of me. She hopes I'm doing well.
WTH? I don't understand, cause she already told me all that stuff. And it just hurts to have to hear it all again, and see my name like that. I'm going to go take a run, burn these tears off, and then get ready for my date tonight.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
Chin up, girl. Try not to let that type of event make you sad. It's obvious that you were an important part of her life and she wants to be sure you know that she cares about you, and likely always will. I'm sure she's not pleased with her son's behavior, but it sounds as if mother and son share a common trait of not being able to communicate well. Odd that she used your xh's last name... maybe she was having a "senior moment" and forgot yours?
I hope the run helped and I hope you have an enjoyable evening with NG.
And, I promise not to bring up your DB forum name again. ;-)
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Hmm, I guess it's possible that she had a "senior moment", but she has my e-mail with my last (maiden) name and also knows my parents. She is also divorced (acrimoniously) from XH's father...and it's HIS name. She's continuing to name me after the man that abandoned her and her kids, and the man who abandoned me! That's a doozy of a senior moment! LOL
Anyway, I just wrote her a brief e-mail in response, thanking her, telling her I'm doing great, and what's new with me, including that I'm seeing a NG, asking after her and her H (XSFIL). Of course, I cried writing the thing. Hey--I lost part of my family, and she was one of my favorite parts.
Friday with NG was so great, so fun. At the end of the night we ended up singing songs together and him playing his guitar. He wrote a song about me. He whipped it out and joked, "don't let this go to your head." I'm grinning just thinking about it. And...it totally went to my head!
I think I'm going to continue to have mixed-up feelings about NG and XH cause that's just the way it works for me. I feel old bonds until I make new ones.
But I think I'm doing a lot of things differently (and better) with this new guy than I've done before. I, mean, I'm different. DBing and divorce changed me into someone that's more fearless in certain ways. I hit rock bottom, and that changes you. Of course, I always have my family and close friends, but I lost my favorite person in the world, the person I'd built my world and dreams around.
There's nowhere to go after that but up.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I read the book too. In greek, a few months ago. I love the part about italian food
IMO she used the name to show you she still doesnt accept what happened (but couldnt countrol it), you are still her "DIL". I dont think she did it to hurt you. I agree with Miss Imp.
I can relate so much to what you said about old and new bonds. I used to believe that is a weakness, an issue of mine. It maybe but I have accepted that is how I "work"...
Thanks Kalni, and Miss Imp. I think you're both right.
Well, things came to a bit of head in my world this week. As I continue to move closer to the NG, the confusion about XH has only gotten bigger. Because truthfully, I think I have a tiny Gucci Loafer living in my brain (the poster on this board, not the shoe) and that small part of me thought that maybe, just maybe, XH would turn around when he saw me with a new guy, especially one as great as this one is.
So, before I snuggled deeper into the NG's arms, I looked back through the mostly-closed-to-XH-door...and ended up having two conversations with him in the last two days that left me crying for the last three days. Something's off there.
My XH did tell me that seeing me with the NG "sent a shockwave [of pain] through his entire body" but when I asked, so does that mean anything? He said, "It passed." Apparently, for my XH to really feel enough jealousy to turn around, he must feel as though he is in an electric chair--shockwaves coursing thru his body 24-7.
Basically, in a nutshell, we had two great conversations, I conveyed a ton of love and forgiveness towards him, and he towards me in his own unique way. I asked him, "given how we've both changed, do you think there's a chance to rebuild 'us'". And he was basically like, "No."
I know he still loves me in some way, in the deepest way he is capable of, but he is apparently happy with no responsibilities and no one to wonder where he is at night. This is a man whose father abandoned him and his mom and brothers into poverty, a man with chemical imbalance issues, a man who is bravely amazing despite all that, a man who loved me as much as he had the tools for. I don't fault him anymore for what he did, or how much it hurts that he still isn't willing to try, because he gave me, and gives me now, ALL that he can.
So, I will move on with my life, and won't look back at that door again.
OK, I might, but only to mourn its cold, unyielding hardness.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
That sounds like an emotional journey. I really feel like at some point we do have to decide to close the door. I was expecting it just to happen but it doesn't and I think for me I am physically going to have to slam it shut! Even then it takes time to grieve over.
I'm really glad you have found someone lovely in NG and I'm sad that XH could step up to the plate. I think though, like V_H says, be prepared that one day he may come knocking on the door, you're fabulous after all
That must have been very hard to hear. And yet your XH didn't look at all happy when you saw him at the event. At this point NG definitely sounds like the greener grass.
