My husband that suffers from depression left on Nov. 6th and moved in with his father and step-mother. He filed for a no-fault divorce in the middle of Jan. When I got the papers I called him a mess then calmed down waited a couple of hours and called back and told him I will give him what he wants and he had NO clue to what I was talking about. I said the divorce and he said he didn't want it and then changed the subject really quick!! He stopped taking his meds 3 weeks before he left and I had no clue! Thought he was just stressed due to work etc. He was snapping at me and the kids..little things and then all of a sudden left. Said it was the marriage creating his depression. His parents do not believe in depression so they agreed. We have been married 13yrs. and they weren't in our lives with his last episode so they have NO clue. He started to take his meds. at the end of Jan. and by the end of Feb. was calling and joking around. That lasted for 2 to 3 weeks then all of a sudden back to the angry husband! Oh, by the way his parents are pushing for the divorce. Here he admitted to me that he stopped taking the meds again saying he didn't need them and wasn't taking pills the rest of his life. At first I begged and pleaded for him to come home and then I stopped. I purchased Divorce Busting and trying very hard not to call or anything! This weekend coming he is finally getting his own place, which my counselor said from the beginning if he would just get out of their house and be on his own he will realize what he has done! She counseled him before for his depression but now he refuses any help at all! Me and my daughter go because we are a mess (she is 12yrs. old). My son from a previous marriage is also very bitter but he is 18 and I can't make him go. He claims he's ok but he's not. This is the only father he knows plus my in-laws and my husband don't bother with him at all since the separtation! These are people that claim I was the best thing for him (my husband) and that they loved all of us soooo much and not even a phone call to see how we are doing!!!! They know how financially hard it is on me and the kids and also know that I have no other family! Dad passed years ago and mom is sick with brain tumors!! Not only did he leave us but so did they! I love him so much and now I'm in a deep depression and don't know where to turn or what to do!! Then over his visit with our daughter on the weekend she came home very upset because he had my name (tatoo) removed. She wants him to come home so bad and I told her everything will be ok either way. I don't know why he had to do that or why he would do it! I understand that when depressed he is a very angry person and doesn't think clearly but this pushed me and her over the edge I think. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!
I'm in counseling and on antidepressants to try to cope with everything. I haven't been myself since this happened!! Just want to gain the weight back that I lost (way too much). So am doing that, eating better and back to cleaning house again. I know they aren't big things but I couldn't do anything for 4 months, just didn't care! I'm going to get my hair done on Wed. It needs it big time!! LOL
I'm just so confused now because he has been calling....don't know if he wants my daughter or he's calling because he is in contempt of court for not going to her counseling appointments. I don't want him mad and push him further away but I have no say in the matter!!
He will blame me for it though!! His depression has him so clouded, he is the one that went to court for vistitation rights etc. and now he is ruining it on himself!!! I would have let her go with him whenever she wanted!! But I think the parents (his) pushed him to go to court for it!!
This is awful!!! I don't think there is any hope that he will ever come to his senses!!! His step-mother is running the show!! I said it from the beginning, and everyone told me once he moves out of there which was 2 weeks ago yesterday he will realize!!! Well, at the hearing he didn't even go in, his step-mother did!!!! She gave me a look that could have killed me!! Then in the hearing his lawyer said to the judge and my lawyer that their finished!!! He doesn't want to see his daughter either!! When the judge asked for an explanation to why he doesn't want to see her his lawyer used some kind of legal babel, not having to give an explanation!!!
How could he do this to his own daughter??? I know that the step-mother had something to do with this mess from the beginning!!! Her and his father have been with him at every hearing!!! What man at his age takes them to handle or to be with him??? I'm such a mess that I didn't come into work again after the hearing and stayed on the couch all weekend!!!
I read the report that the counselor sent in and it said that our daughter was concerned with his mental stabilty and so on. I know that our daughter has been saying Daddy's not Daddy so now I don't know what to think!!! Don't know whether to think he is mad at our daughter or what the hell is going on!
Oh, also the report said that they wanted to know what Dr. prescribed the Zoloft for him and what Dr. told him he could stop taking it. So I don't know if they didn't want to admit it or what. I just don't understand any of this!!!
Any insight would be greatful!!! I'm losing all hope because of the parents being involved!! They are the type to just keep pushing the divorce and all of this and I know he thinks they love him and I know his father does but I also know that the step-mother doesn't!!! She is sooo controlling and only her daughters ever counted since the day I met her not any of my father-in-laws children!!!
My husband is the only one that speaks to them out of 4 children, plus one of her daughters doesn't allow her to control her so they butt heads all of the time!!
I just can't believe how much I'm hurting right now!! It's getting worse instead of better!!
I'm not too overly familiar with how to handle your exact situation with you H's depression, sounds like he needs some recall work done.
But, I can say this about the legalities as I have deal with them.
First off, his parents don't need to be there, YOU CAN and your attorney should have already suggested they be removed from the hearing. The divorce pertains to you the respondent and hime the petitioner, no-one else. My STBX kept showing up with her OM and he kept budding into neogtiation talks to which my attorney threatened to have him ejected from the building indefinately.
Secondly, as I was accused of being suicidal (divorce is a nasty game), that was seen as a mental illness and a possible endangerment to my hcildren and thus for about a month and half, I had no access to my kids what so ever, not even on my oldest's birthday. Perhaps the jargon his attorney is trying to convey is that he acknowledges that you H is not fit for visitation?
Other than that, STOP worrying about him NOW. Worry about you and your kids before you allow his behviour, for what ever reason it may be, consume you. I know it's hard, and as my D is in a final stage, I can tell you now, there will be highs, when you are finally in control of things, but be assured, there will be tons of lows, and some even lower than the lowest you thought you've been thus far.
Ultimately, eliminate the parents from the picture, they don't need to be there and monkey things up.
Good luck!
dday
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I told my lawyer I didn't want her in there and what made me mad was that he didn't say anything!! My daughter is a mess and she keeps saying that she misses him but there is nothing I can do!!
I told her that he just needs space and time to get better and that he will call her when he does feel better.
I'm just so tired of the step-mother running the show and this is the same woman that said I was the best thing that ever happened to my H!!!!
What really gets me is that she is a nurse and does not believe in depression!!! He gets angry and says hurtful things and I've read 3 books so far on it and that is what most men do when depressed!!! They will also lie about what really happened and actually believe what they are saying!!! So God only knows what he is saying to them and other people!!
I'm hearing that he has to hit rock bottom before he will realize he needs help and what he has done to his family!!! I just wish I wasn't hurting so much and yes I hear all the time to work on myself!!
Worry only about me and the children but I find myself constantly thinking of him and our marriage and what the hell went wrong???
I'm so damn depressed myself that I'm in counseling and on antidepressants!!!! I love this man with my whole heart and he has gone through this once before and called for help after 2 months but since they (step-mother & father) are in his life again and didn't see what he did they have NO clue.
I know he would have been back by now and better!! It's been a little over 6 months now and she claimed she would never get involved in any of her children's marriages but she did big time!!!
Her answer for our problems is just get divorced and be done with it!!!!
All I can tell you right now is you NEED to pick yourself up for yourself, and more importantly your daughter. You CAN NOT do anything about / for him, simple fact. You can not change him, make hime come to reason, nothing. Only he can, and until whatever it is that is going on with his meds changes, he probably won't even realize the impact.
Be strong and show your daughter that even tho things are ackward, she is still loved, that is ALL you can do right now, and it is very important.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I'm sorry to tell you but often, it doesn't get any better and surely doesn't get any easier while they are away. But, you can and have to change how you deal with it.
There will be other hurdles down the road ahead, be prepared.
If you are able, take a vacation this weekend with family or friends who have moved away (BUT DO NOT SPEND YOUR TIME WIDDLING OVER THIS). A nice 3 day weekend away from everything can work wonders. And, change things around the house a bit and create a different feel. Paint a room (it's much cheaper than a therapist ). Once you start occupying yourself with things, you will be surprised how even if just a little at a time, you will be refreshed and clear headed.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
). Once you start occupying yourself with things, you will be surprised how even if just a little at a time, you will be refreshed and clear headed.