Good decision! I was re-thinking this as I did my chores tonight, and you don't want to do anything you would later regret. More importantly, if you're truly commited to working on the R, you don't want to get into a situation that can just make the M reconciliation more difficult.
H is being more attentive... keep going with it, SLOWLY!
No, you are married, and in my opinion you do not date someone else while you are married. You pledged your life to one man. Now, that being said, is it OK to think about it, of course, does it make you feel good that another man asked for your number, hell yeah.
It would be absolutely great if someone, not you, could put a little birdie in his ear and tell your h that you were asked for your number the other night, while not telling h, who it is. (do not want to get the other guy in trouble). IT would then be nice to go out again with your friends again this Friday...
Jealousy is a powerful tool, and we all take everything for granted until we almost lose what it is we have.
I haven't replied to you, and I am in a VERY diff situation, but in reading your stitch, I wanted to put my 2 cents in for what it's worth.
I think what your doing is GREAT, and you seem to have made progress, which is also great. However, my opinion is that in time a decision will have to be made. How long do you want to do this? How much time are you willing to give up of your life, and moving forward with it for a man who left you?
At one point you were worried that cutting off ML might make him " forget ", or I believe you said you were afraid he'd forget what he was missing.. etc.... My comment on that would be.. >> Is that what you want him to come back for? Do you want your H to come back because he's realized the connection you have for that reason. I would want my husband to care, remember, and want me on all other levels and not sex based.
TO me, you seem like a very smart, strong woman. Yes, you've had your setbacks, but your human as well. There may come a time where you have to take control, and simply say enough in enough. Not knowing is also letting him get away with " thinking. " Which is also cake eating in a sense. He can have the happy life, see you and the kids, and NOT have the " actual " family.
When I saw you write about meeting up with " B " and how it made you feel. It reminded me of a very good friend of mine. She was in the exact place you are. She did all that you are. Eventually she moved home to be with family. He did in fact follow her. Guess what?........... Eventually it was to late for him. In being strong, and GAL, she realized it was too late. That he hurt her, and she waited long enough. She played the " game " long enough. I felt sorry for him ( sorta ) because he had a change of heart and desperately wanted her back, but after so much time, it ended up being too late. I supported her 100%, and got her completely.
I'm not sure how long you've been doing this, but I would suggest giving yourself a time line. I would also tell him. In saying to him something like >> I love you deeply, and would love nothing more then to be back together as a family, however if that can't happen, then I need to know, as I will not be here forever.( etc ) Short & sweet. ( hell, id mention that you in fact want a relationship with some1 who loves you deeply, and if you can't have it with him, you need to know ) Force him to make some sort of decision.
This may scare you into thinking that if you push to fast, he will make the wrong decision. BUT, look at it this way. IF he truly wants YOU , and LOVES YOU, the answer will be what you want. IF the answer is NO, then why fight for it.
He has it easy right now. You on the other hand do not, and that saddens me. When your ready, I think tough questions have to be put out there.
GOOD LUCK............ You have been amazing thru it all I think!
Thanks dburt, this is really what I was thinking and you put it into words. Thanks for validating my feelings of interest and how "B" made me feel good. But the reality is I am married, and I want my H back. I don't know if I could pull off the little birdie, but I can reinforce my GAL and I will do that tonight when H picks up the girls. This weekend is my weekend and Sunday is Father's Day so I will give them up and try to find something to do that gets my mind off not spending the day with them. Yesterday when H was picking up the girls they expressed that they did NOT want to go to his house. That they wanted to stay with me. H was upset I could tell...and today he is taking them to the fair. Go figure. Anyway, back to the basics of DBing. Dburt, thanks I will try to subtly make him jealous. You are so right how powerful it is.
Thanks for posting diane74... I have been thinking alot about my timeline, and it has been a relatively short process so far...we started having big issues in March and H left in April. So, I will give myself more time, although it is silly to put an actual date. My MC told me to re-evaluate that each and every day. "If things stay the same as they are RIGHT NOW, how long am I good for???" The only problem is that things never stay the same, they are wildly changing and swinging in all different directions. I am of course referring to my emotions. But when I go back to the basics of my MC's question...it slows and calms me down. I have thought about giving him that tough question and I do have a timeline for that...another month when my lease is up, I may feel it out for a little pressure if my DBing continues to show progress. We'll see, alot can (and will) happen in a month! Thank you for your encouragement! Off to check out your sitch!
Thanks for posting diane74... I have been thinking alot about my timeline, and it has been a relatively short process so far...we started having big issues in March and H left in April. So, I will give myself more time, although it is silly to put an actual date. My MC told me to re-evaluate that each and every day. "If things stay the same as they are RIGHT NOW, how long am I good for???" The only problem is that things never stay the same, they are wildly changing and swinging in all different directions. I am of course referring to my emotions. But when I go back to the basics of my MC's question...it slows and calms me down. I have thought about giving him that tough question and I do have a timeline for that...another month when my lease is up, I may feel it out for a little pressure if my DBing continues to show progress. We'll see, alot can (and will) happen in a month! Thank you for your encouragement! Off to check out your sitch!
I think it is so helpful to set points for re-evaluation. There is a great likelihood that your H will come back to you. ONLY you can determine how long you will wait. However since we DBers don't just "wait," we GAL and work on ourselves it is only positive to "wait" or "stand" as it is referred to here. You don't need another R right now anyway. You need a little boost in self esteem here and there...but there is so much for you to work on.
I dare say, forever is too long for me, it just is. At least as a starting point. I learned long ago that my line in the sand moves and that's ok but it makes me feel better to set those re-evaluation lines.
