But here's the thing. At some point, and this is admittedly much easier said than done--you have to decide if you want to be right, or if you want to be happy. Being right will only provide temporary satisfaction.
Oh, I completely agree. I was just trying to answer the question of "What do I get out of it?" honestly.
Then again, getting HURT repeatedly doesn't exactly make me "happy," does it.
Thank you for the article. It is EXACTLY what my H was trying to tell me last weekend. To a tee... it was weird reading that and remembering everything he said.
He needs to feel wanted and needs to have my affection whether or not it leads to sex or not.
Men and woman do have such different ideas of what love really is and how they get it. Im learning perhaps the hard way, but at least I have my eyes wide open now and he has been a different person the last week, so I guess im doing something right.
Sex is essential in a marriage, not the most important, but essential. Its true that my moods drive my drive will work on that one too..
I know how hurt you are, and unless you've been betrayed by your spouse, knowone knows how hard it is to get over and go forward. You feel what you feel and sometimes you can't control that.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I have a bit of advise: Trust God. I remember asking you a while ago if you could ever trust your W again, and you said no. While that is so understandable, you have to at some point begin by trusting that God has your best interests at heart. Put your trust in Him and allow that trust to flow over to your W. We are all imperfect sinners, some commit sins with worse consequences, but we are all equally fallen. My W and I have been back together for 3 months now, and what I've begun to realize is that a marriage can't grow w/out trust. There were a few moments there that I caused her some real hurt because I was back to snooping and mistrusting her, and it turned out I was wrong. Anyhow, I'm sort of ranting here, but the point I'm trying to make is that in order for you all to move past this successfully, you must leave the past behind you!! I can't stress that enough. Let go of all of the hurt. Beg God to help you with this. He forgives and forgets our sins immediately, we must be willing to do the same for our spouses. They will hurt us again, and we will hurt them, but they will also give us love, and we will do the same. Have a covenantal love for your W--this is the kind of love that says I love you because of my covenant with you, not my love for you determines my covenant. Love her as Christ loves you, and see what a change this will make. I really pray that you all will make it through this--it's worth the effort.
I agree with Steve on the no-talk. She made it very clear that she's mentally and emotionally exhausted from "trying to figure out" and "analyze everything."
So much for her introspective period.
She wants to just "be" -- to take our R as it goes, and see where that leads us. Doesn't sound like much of a plan to me, but I'm not sure what to do at this point OTHER than to get her into that IC as soon as possible. THAT part I'm not relenting on.
I think you are correct. She is very tired and wants to "forget" all of this R talk. She feels as if her brain is going to shut down due to over-load. In "her way"....to just "be" is trying! To people like you and I.....we want to talk it out until it gets worked out, but I don't think she is like that at all.
I really get scared when I read about some of the things that has happened between the two of you. Like the morning you pulled on her shirt to try to woo her back into bed and she headed for the bathroom and tried to wait you out. That sounds so much like me and my H in our younger years! I was that woman. I know exactly how she is feeling. This is harsh to say but I don't know how to soften it.......but that action actually turned her off so badly and when she went into the bathroom, I bet she was feeling horrible all the time she was hoping you would get up and get dressed. When she came out of the bathroom to find you still in bed......it made her mad. She was angry b/c she could not have the sexual feelings that she knew you wanted her to have. The frustration she feels is awful. She thinks maybe something is wrong with her.....that she must not be normal. Do you know how many times I say the word "frigid" to myself? I hated it and I hated myself b/c I thought I was adnormal.
The part about watching the TV show and wanting the younger men's attention......you are right there. It is not the sex act as much as it is knowing that she has what it takes physically to turn a younger man on to her. To be told that she does not look her age and how beautiful she is, etc. That was exactly what got me pulled into the thing with other men over the Internet. Oh, yeah, they would see me on the webcam and carry on about how "young" I looked. I was the sexiest thing this side of the planet! They would have told the wicked witch of the west that (or east...I can't ever remember which the ugly one came from). Anyway, it made me feel great at first.....but then I felt cheap and I started having all kinds of emotional problems. Then I found "my" OM and it was only him. But, the letter she wrote you could have been written by me. I told you that already, but I understand what she is saying about not exploring or having "experiences" outside of her M. Well, I guess she did since she had a PA, but I was on my way to having a PA b/c I wanted the "mind blowing" sex that I had not experienced. I wanted to know what it was like one time before I died! But, I kept putting it off and I don't know if I could have ever gone through with it.......however, the point is that I wanted it. Why could I not feel that way toward my H? Why did I freeze up with him? Why did ever time he made a move toward me cause me to feel turned-off instead of excited? I think only a professional could help women like your wife and myself. I did go to a professional but the first visit I made and told her what I had done over the Internet....she said was perfectly normal and that I should not feel guilty about it! So, I did not go back.
I suppose I am repeating a lot of what I've already said in the past, but it breaks my heart to see myself in this picture and I wish I knew how to help. The only advice that I can give......that I think would have worked in my M......is for you to continue to flirt on a daily bases. Not by spells b/c then she will think you just want sex. But, if you do this continually every day......AND.....(I'm not through so don't stop ready Puppy!)......a little while before bedtime.....go to sleep on the couch or recliner or whatever. Or read a book (not in bed...that is too obvious and she'll think you are waiting on her)....never "wait" for her in bed. Also, never act ticked off if she doesn't respond to your flirting or advances. Just as carefree (and it will be "acting") as if you really don't give a flip if you have sex or not. Get on the computer at bedtime or whatever to make her think you are not wanting sex. If you act as if you do NOT want it, but you are flirting with her during the day and most of the evening.....then shut it down.......what do you think that will accomplish???? What are we always saying on here? Women want what they can't have! She knows you are available...willing...and ready....whenever you can get it. I think it is a turn-off to her. She wants it outside of M b/c it is not "right" and she knows it. She wants what she can't have. So if you are attractive and are the man she wants and yet you will not let her have "it"......I think you stand a better chance of seeing her want it. I was just like your W in that I never made the first move. It was something about the way I was raised and my ideas about dating that carried over into my MR (which was crazy) but still it did.
I have agreed with much of what OT and DQ have said, but the aggressive acts......I'm not sure. I remember a point and time that maybe that would have worked, but most of the time when I had not sexual desire and my H would have pulled that.......I probably would have punched his lights out and left! It would have been the wrong move to make with this gal. I think a lot of women like their H's to show male sexuality or strenth, and take the lead (as I would put it) but I don't know that I would go as far as OT suggested..... That may have been his sexual sence of humor talking....but I'm not sure.
So, now you don't know which way to go! But have you ever?
So many people have tossed this around until you may be sick of it by now. To tell the truth, I skipped the three pages and jumped to the end....lol. I don't normally do that! So, my love and prayers Puppy. I know this is so hard on both of you. I am axious to find out why God made men and women so different from each other.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have agreed with much of what OT and DQ have said, but the aggressive acts......I'm not sure. I remember a point and time that maybe that would have worked, but most of the time when I had not sexual desire and my H would have pulled that.......I probably would have punched his lights out and left! It would have been the wrong move to make with this gal. I think a lot of women like their H's to show male sexuality or strenth, and take the lead (as I would put it) but I don't know that I would go as far as OT suggested..... That may have been his sexual sence of humor talking....but I'm not sure.
I think she would see it as nothing but PRESSURE. And she hates PRESSURE.
I think Old Timer is serious and has some valid points.
A guy I work with was in a rock band as the lead guitarist. He scored a lot and he told me the key was to just get the girl trapped against a wall and tell her that he was going to F her brains out. Maybe that only works with girls in their 20's and if you are a rock musician.
I know what does not work - begging or asking for sex. A guy needs to run the sex and romance department.
will work on that one too..
That may have been his sexual sence of humor talking....but I'm not sure.