Question about lack of sex drive and medications..

[LG nm12]

Unless you throw all of your preconditioning out the window and start fresh with new approaches. You don't share enough here for us to help you!!!

[LG nm12]

At the very least, you should be telling your W the good things you think about her. Don't lie or make things up. You should be telling her that she is hot, beautiful, sexy. You should be telling her she is amazing in her career and celebrate all of her little advances (even if SHE downplays them.) You should be telling her you love the way she smells. Or that you love talking to her about politics because she has such a brilliant perspective.

Not to a ridiculous point where she is rolling her eyes. But perhaps once a day, say something to her.

And say "I love you" EVERY DAY at least once.

Look into her eyes when you greet her and talk with her.

SLOW DOWN. CONNECT.

Lucky

[Stillhope]

I do just about all you mentioned on a regular basis. Politics is out - we do not talk about that and won't be. Maybe I'll start a thread and detail my current situation on my SSM. I'm frustrated and discouraged. When I tried to talk about it this weekend I was told it isn't as bad as I think and will be fine. I'm going to do some more reading. Nothing seems to be helping.

[LG nm12]

Stillhope:

Bring it! Why on earth wouldn't you lay it all out here. You're a faceless guy with a fake name. No shame.

Lucky

[rjd5974]

Thanks for all the great info. I really need to go out and get the book. I'm just wondering now if this is something I should do in secret. If she sees this book I get the feeling that she will see it as another ploy to try to get her to have sex more often which will undermine everything I try. At the same time it will be hard to read the book in secret. The ideal might be to start working on what the book talks about by myself and when I start to notice her becoming more receptive introduce the book then. I'm just not entirely sure how I'll hide it, and I don't like the idea of hiding stuff from her.

[LG nm12]

RJD,

I can understand your concerns, but I do hope that you are able to find a way to get some reading in. SSM is a really good starting place, and at some point your W should read the first half. The book is softcover and skinny--easy to tuck in your toiletry bag in the bathroom. Passionate Marriage (Schnarch) is the next step, I think, in digging deeper and uncovering specific intimacy issues in your R.

These materials will empower you to articulate with your W in a productive manner. They will give you strength to face her and confront the issues, and conviction. You will not be *guessing* your way through this journey.

As far as "hiding" things from your W... You are simply preparing yourself to unveil the 500 lb gorilla in the room. You won't be hiding for long. Once your start communicating with your W more and more, the books are no big deal. She'll know you're on a mission. I can only think that my library scattered throughout the house conveyed something serious to my husband. This time I meant business and it showed.

Step up the romance today. Ask her out on a date for this weekend. Bring home a sweet treat... Do you have any ideas?

Don't hide from this and don't delay. The longer it festers, the more resentment builds.

Lucky

[bob48]

For almost everyone, the desire to have sex is a completely natural feeling. It can be over ridden by outside influences or by the medication or other things that we take into our body.

It is always essential to rule out any biophysical causes. Your wife MUST consult her physician and go through whatever testing is necessary to rule that out. That is #1.

If you have done that, there are a couple other things I may suggest. Many people, especially heterosexuals, define sex as intercourse. Learn to enjoy any and all of the various elements of sexual interaction. Especially if your wife is uncomfortable with intercourse. I am not suggesting that it shouldn't be part of your marriage, but rather that emphasis on other things right now may help relieve some of the stress and inherent resentment that can come from being avoided sexually.

Secondly, have a lot of fun talks with your wife, preferably out of the bed where she can feel safe, about her fantasies. See if you can determine what turns her on. It is important for her to feel safe with you, because some of these thoughts may scare her and she may even be trying to repress them.

I know that we had a very similar problem. Although in my case it was me, not my wife, who lost interest in sex. We discussed our fantasies, indulged in them, and BANG our sex life went from once or twice a week to 8 or 9 times a week almost immediately. ANd that is where we are now. Will it last? Who knows. But at least I know how we got to where we are, and we'll just do it again.

Remember, nothing is out of bounds when it comes to fantasies. Acting out, of course, is a different matter. Let her know that you just want her to free her mind and share her mental pictures with you. It will help you know her better. If she wants to hear about your fantasies, tell them to her as well.

Perhaps you could even role play your fantasies. You can really enjoy each other so much if you can get back in track, and you will find that your "issues" will have served to bring you ever closer to each other.

The most tempting thing would be to give up. I did that with my first wife, which is why I now call her my first wife. The ultimate deterioration can be almost beyond resolution. I am sure neither of you want that.

[Jayce]

As long as you're on line anyway, Google the exact names of your wife's script meds. Google 'bipolar' also and read everything you can find. Get a complete understanding of what that is, what it means, and how a bipolar person feels. Look at all the ways the meds work, how they interact and what their side effects are. Become an expert in this condition and its treatment. Even go to askapatient.com and read ratings and experiences written by people who are taking those meds.

Once you have a firm grasp of all the factual information you can get, make plans to go with her to her next psychiatric appointment. She has to go in order to get her scripts written whether she gets counseling or not. Her 'shrink' should know all about what you two are experiencing. If not, find one who does.

Even anti depressants have side effects Dr's may not think to mention when prescribing. I found out the hard way that Lexapro inhibits ability to orgasm. Just what I needed to have happen when we needed that intimacy the most.

One of my fave books is Sex on the Brain by Dr. Amen. It explains, among other things, how the brain responds to 'new' sex and how it changes over time with long term partners. It is possible the effects of new passion overrode her meds for awhile.

We all understand your feeling unnatractive, lonely, rejected, like dirt. Unable to think of anything else, being frustrated angry, feeling cheated. We are empathetic, we've been/are there, but before you get mired into taking it so personally, being hurt, find out more about what's driving her loss of libido. Drugs for treating bipolars are notorious for causing that. Learn all you can about her condition and treatment. Whatever else you decide to do later, counseling, talking, start there first, then inform her psychiatrist who needs to know this is happening in order to respond appropriately.

You are in a different position than most of us. We aren't dealing with a specific, organic brain condition. Dealing with that may be more difficult than what we face, but you have a concrete reason where the rest of us are still trying to figure out the reasons, asking our partners who don't know or won't tell, and in some cases won't even think about it.

Make your own luck, do the research and hang tough. We're with you.
Jayce