Hello, First off I need to say that I have not read SSM yet. However, I have been perusing these forums and they have a lot of great information and I definitely am going to be picking up the book.
Now, about my situation. I am a 35 year old male and am married to a 31 year old woman. We have been together for 3 years. At first we had sex pretty regularly, definitely enough to satisfy me. However, in probably the last year and a half things have gradually taken a down turn to the point where we are now, which is no sex in probably the last few months. Our relationship is pretty much normal besides this. We have no kids. We have the normal stresses of trying to make it in a crappy economy, but like I said, our relationship is pretty good. There is no history of infidelity on either of our parts.
She knows the lack of sex is an issue with me and we recently spoke about it. I don't push the issue but it really is starting to get to me. I've tried talking about it. I've tried ignoring the situation to see if it would get better on its own, but nothing seems to have worked so far. She said that she just doesn't have any sex drive anymore. She assures me that it isn't me and that she is still attracted to me, but the lack of sex really makes me feel undesirable and unloved.
She doesn't know why she has no sex drive, especially at her age. She says she thinks about it a lot..how she really would like to have sex, but she just can't get herself to do it. She was diagnosed as bipolar before I met her and has been on medication the whole time I have known her. I've been doing some reading and it looks like these meds can indeed cause women to lose their sex drive. She even mentioned to me that the meds might be the issue. That said, we definitely don't want to take her off her medication. She really was "messed up" before she was on the meds..her words, not mine. I don't want to see her that way just so I can maybe have sex more often.
The only other thing we discussed is her lack of positive body image. She really doesn't think she is attractive. I think just the opposite. Her main issue is her weight. I don't consider her heavy but she can't get over thinking that she is too fat. I would consider her curvy, which I like. When I give her compliments she almost seems annoyed with me. I find her very sexy and attractive, and I love her body, but I don't feel I can tell her so because like I said, she kinda shrugs it off and doesn't believe it.
So here I am, not really sure what to do. If the meds are the problem will anything I change make a difference? Sorry about the long post, but I'm really interested in working this out somehow if it is possible to work it out.
There are MANY medications that can affect one's sex drive, even the lowly birth control pill is a kicker. You may be on the right track.
Hopefully she is willing to talk openly about it--not just with you--but with her doctor. His primary goal at the time was to control her BPD symptoms and it sounds like the therapy is working. But now her life circumstances have changed....she is married. The doc needs to know ASAP that her libido is gone and that the lack of sex drive is having a negative impact on her marriage -- discuss the potential contribution of her Rx. Dr.'s often will not bring up sexual matters in the office unless you do first, and he is thinking "..if it ain't broke, don't fix it." There may be another agent she can take for BPD with less sexual interference or another agent that can be added to her regimen to counter the side affects of the current prescription.
Don't give up...all is not lost! Encourage her to see her doctor about this ASAP. Reassure her of your love and attraction for her. Try to stay patient, but lovingly refuse to sweep the matter under the rug...your love for her is too great! Just the act of acting on the problem will feel better to you. She will thank you one day for your persistence, I will bet on it.
I understand all too well how you feel, my friend. Only in my sitch, I am the wife and the roles in our household are reversed---my husband is the low libido one. Do you know how tough it is to get a man to see a Dr. if there is no blood coming out--LOL! Offer to go with her to the Doctor and check into the medical possibilities first. You may also want to try visiting a sex therapist for additional coaching.
This is a great place to vent your frustrations. The others here completely understand your position and will offer great advice.
I'm not sure if the bipolar meds are the culprit, because you say she's been on them ever since she started dating you. Unless she changed the meds, why would there be a change in libido?
Your W needs some tough love about self love and acceptance of her body. DON'T stop telling her that you think she's sexy. No matter what her response, it can only help her understand that you accept her and want her no matter what she thinks. If she wants to talk about it, I would be firm with her and tell her that she is being too hard on herself, too unrealistic about what is sexy, and that you are wild for her no matter what she thinks. Has she gained weight since you were married? Perhaps she simply needs to toughen up and lose whatever weight is holding her back from feeling sexy.
Did she start the pill or any other kind of medication at any time during your marriage? Did anything happen, related to her sexuality, during this time (unwanted pregnancy, miscarriage, rape/abuse)?
Another important thought: If you approach your W to initiate sex frequently, and the proportion of sexual touch versus non-sexual loving touch is out of whack, she could be feeling like a piece of meat. Like you just want to stick it in. KWIM? A woman needs constant and continual love, intimacy, and appreciation, in and out of the bedroom, in order to be open to making love. Does that make sense?
Do you do special things for each other and with each other? Is there romance in your relationship? Do you date and put aside time for just the two of you to connect emotionally? Do you go to bed together at the same time, and spend time before sleep connecting through talk and non-sexual touch/holding each other?
I hope my questions are helpful in stirring up some thoughts for you with the goal of pinpointing possible areas that need attention.
They have changed the dosage of her meds, and I believe she had one of them changed completely at some point. I guess that's normal with bipolar meds..after a while the body gets used to them and the doctors have to change things up.
As far as drugs and alcohol..no drugs at all. We do have some drinks now and again but nothing out of the ordinary. We don't get falling down drunk or anything like that, and its only on occasion that we drink at all.
As I said previously, I've tried totally backing off on the sex initiation because of just what you said, I thought she might think I was too aggressive about it.
I'm probably not as romantic as I once was, that's something I can definitely work on.
She has probably gained some weight over the years, but again, nothing crazy. I think she's too concerned with the media portrayal of what a female body is supposed to look like but I do my best not to judge.
She is in school again and the program she's in is very hard so I do have to admit that she's very stressed about that a lot. I'm sure that's a contributing factor.
Oh, and there haven't been any traumas since we've married as far as miscarriages, rape, etc...
I'm just trying to be as understanding as I can and hope that this works out over time. I try not to be selfish, but the lack of sex is really starting to knock my self-esteem down and make me feel unwanted.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
But, I'm detecting that this is an issue of lack of romance, lack of emotional connection, and lack of day-to-day intimacy.
Make it a point to tell her how much you love her and why, not only how beautiful and sexy she is (but that helps too!). Notice when she does cool things, no matter how big or small and TELL HER. Set up a date -- Don't ask where or what, just set up something great and take her out. Treat her as if you just met her and are trying to woo her. Make sure you LAUGH together -- it is powerful in connecting and elevating passion between two people. Do unexpected, different things that you usually don't do, whatever that may be (draw a bath, bring home her favorite dessert, grab her and dance with her when you have music playing in the house... whatever "works" for who you and she are...)
DON'T back off entirely from initiating -- that'll never work. You MUST keep trying and initiating and showing her that you desire her. But, you MUST have love simmering all day and night to set the stage for ML. You can't just be friendly roommates and then dive in for the kill. Make sense?
If she is a romantic type then ramping up romance might help. If she isn't, I would advise you NOT do that. It just makes you look pathetic in their eyes. Some women think the "romance" type stuff is just fake and stupid and akin to begging.
Hence the qualifier: "whatever "works" for who you and she are..."
Romance doesn't always mean mushy gushy romance novel stuff. It's simply expressing desire for the one you love.
Don't get hung up on how you look. Be brave and go for the girl. Worrying too much about looking pathetic would be a nice ingredient to create or continue a stand off.
Stillhope: Could this be an area for you to look at within yourself?
I should follow that up with saying my advise may not be worth much. I'm unhappy with my marriage sex life and don't think there is much prospect of it improving any time soon.
