Its been a long time since I last posted and to say the least my last post was certainly another bombshell. So it's more than due time for an update right...
First, let me preface my post to say, Lord, I have no clue what I'm doing but just going with the flow, minimizing the stress in my life and just living for me. I so cannot be bothered with my H and ow's bullcrap and the stupid decisions they make for their lives.
So, H and I have actually made progress in this whole big crazy mess... since finding out that ow was yep pregnant again, I really was at first thinking just forget it. As you know H and I were working things out and trying to move forward but he didn't really know how to tell me this. So after all this he actually begged and begged that he doesn't want the marriage to end and he knows its all his fault. We talked a lot for the past couple of weeks, went away a weekend to figure things out. And then it dawned on me that even though I know the world would tell me to just move on... gosh, I probably would have told someone that as well, I just felt like I gotta live for Vickyd. I just can't make decisions for my life based on decisions ow has made for hers. Good golly, I think I'm becoming as selfish as these other women and other men in our sitches. Anyway, so I decided to make a go again at my marriage by just going with the flow and see where it leads. I'm scared scared as ever. I actually do see some changes in H, he been more open, and we have talked about being a team to deal with this. I'm trying to really work hard on giving him teh message that he needs my support on this and the only way I can support him is if he does his part of the deal by being true to our marriage. The thing is H totally went to this ow because she was poor and needed him while he thinks I don't need him for anything. Then the funny thing is that ow is a bit too needy and the life that H would have with her he doesn't want for himself. He also knows that he would have no one else's support on this so he really wants and needs my support on this. I decided as hard as it will be, I want to deal with this with him as a team which is hugely different from what we did before.
So, to say the least, I hope I haven't painted a picture like I think I know what I'm doing or what I'm getting myself into becasue I don't!!! This will be totally hard and everything on the surface tells me to just walk. But I can't. But the good thing is that I'm really quite find about all this. I was reading a boundaries book and one of the things that stuck with me is that out of control people continue because other people often take on the consequences for the out of control person's behavior. And I just don't want to bring myself down by taking on teh worries of H and ow. They are the ones who have to deal with taking care of this other child and figuring out finances etc. I just gotta protect myself in certain aspects. That is just not my life and how I would want to have kids so I just can't be bothered.
Anyway, that's my update for now. Wish me luck and please pray for me because Heaven knows I will need it.
Its been a long time since I last posted and to say the least my last post was certainly another bombshell. So it's more than due time for an update right...
First, let me preface my post to say, Lord, I have no clue what I'm doing but just going with the flow, minimizing the stress in my life and just living for me. I so cannot be bothered with my H and ow's bullcrap and the stupid decisions they make for their lives.
So, H and I have actually made progress in this whole big crazy mess... since finding out that ow was yep pregnant again, I really was at first thinking just forget it. As you know H and I were working things out and trying to move forward but he didn't really know how to tell me this. So after all this he actually begged and begged that he doesn't want the marriage to end and he knows its all his fault. We talked a lot for the past couple of weeks, went away a weekend to figure things out. And then it dawned on me that even though I know the world would tell me to just move on... gosh, I probably would have told someone that as well, I just felt like I gotta live for Vickyd. I just can't make decisions for my life based on decisions ow has made for hers. Good golly, I think I'm becoming as selfish as these other women and other men in our sitches. Anyway, so I decided to make a go again at my marriage by just going with the flow and see where it leads. I'm scared scared as ever. I actually do see some changes in H, he been more open, and we have talked about being a team to deal with this.
H moved back home becasue basically I said that if he wants us to work on the marriage I just can't do that with us living apart. I didn't get married to live like that. I pretty much had to go dark and told him that I just can't continue living like this and he caved in and said he agreed. It was a great boundary setting practice for me, I didn't agrue or force the subject... I said we can continue to live apart but this is not what I want to me and I have enjoyed our time together lately (we've actually been enjoying each other's company) but I cannot go on in the marriage like this. I'm trying to really work hard on giving him teh message that he needs my support on this and the only way I can support him is if he does his part of the deal by being true to our marriage. The thing is H totally went to this ow because she was poor and needed him while he thinks I don't need him for anything. Then the funny thing is that ow is a bit too needy and the life that H would have with her he doesn't want for himself. He also knows that he would have no one else's support on this so he really wants and needs my support on this. I decided as hard as it will be, I want to deal with this with him as a team which is hugely different from what we did before. I think H and I had become enemies instead of allies and right now I just want to be his ally. I think throughout of R when times were good, I was the only one that believed in him, even more so than his family, adn since I this I stopped believing in him too, so my goal is to keep supporting him and being there. I refuse to have the existence of these kids be a source of contention for us. Not to say we won't have fights or disagreements at times, but I don't want to go back to being enemies like we were before.
So, to say the least, I hope I haven't painted a picture like I know what I'm doing or what I'm getting myself into becasue I don't!!! This will be totally hard and everything on the surface tells me to just walk. But I can't. But the good thing is that I'm really quite find about all this. I was reading a boundaries book and one of the things that stuck with me is that out of control people continue because other people often take on the consequences for the out of control person's behavior. And I just don't want to bring myself down by taking on teh worries of H and ow. They are the ones who have to deal with taking care of this other child and figuring out finances etc. I just gotta protect myself in certain aspects. That is just not my life and how I would want to have kids so I just can't be bothered.
H and I are going to Retroville in a few weeks so hope that gives us some useful tools as well.
Anyway, that's my update for now. Wish me luck and please pray for me because Heaven knows I will need it.
I just can't make decisions for my life based on decisions ow has made for hers.
Um, H had a hand in this decision too, don't forget that. But, you say you want to work on the M, and become a team. You should give it a go, if you feel you have to. Only you know what is best for you.
Take care and good luck!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
vicky, i have had not my computer in a while (was broken) i seem to have missed a lot!!!!
i am thinking of you and praying for you that things work out the way you want them to.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Thanks for your well wishes. I know you all know more than anyone how much it is needed. The future is certainly unpredictable - how many of us would have though we would be where we are today in our sitch. But, I'm trying to take it day by day and to focus first on foremost on numero uno - ME.
Being - I could not agree with you more. H completely had a part, a huge part, to play in all this. In fact, I think he is really to blame most b/c I know ow had intentions of being with him as a family and I just knew that was not his intentions. Even his friends knew it. So I don't at all forget the role he played. In fact what I meant when I said I can't vbe concerned with the choices ow made was that I was actually feeling bad that she would be a single mother struggling and that maybe h should just be there and how hurt the kids will be. But then I had to realize these are the choices she made for her life and there is only so much concern and compassion I can have since she knew that H was already involved and married. So that's what I meant.
doodles, how are you glad. Glad to read on your post that you're well. Yea, my sitch took a turn that I just did not want, but what can I do about it. Not a darn thing. I just gotta take care of me and that's all I have control of at the moment, right. Anyway, I wish you well with the new guy. Just have fun and enjoy yourself. Life is too short.
Pup - always love hearing from youi. Thanks
Thanks again guy and gals. Will update as life goes on.
vickyd, are you still trying to have a baby with your H? Has he moved back home? If not, and you get pregnant, I recommend getting someone to live with you to help being a single mom! (just dropping by...)
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I was here struggling by myself emotionally and decided that I better come back to my support group. I know Michele talks about once a WAS returns that the LBS then gets all the emotions of resentment and anger and here I am with all those feelings....
I guess really today its not so much resentment as questioning my decision. Tonight I really feel really unsure, all these questions are in my mind. I mean who really stays with someone who has done this? Is it really right to stay with a person who cheats over and over? I know that there needs to be consequences for a person to really change, and so I'm wondering if staying with a WAS is right, what really is the consequence. What the hell am I doing? And then, I think of the saying, "if you did what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." So, isn't it just rational to think that I'm really just gonna get what I've always gotten. I just don't know. I keep wondering what the hell I'm doing. I don't know if this is normal or not, H says it is, but I'm really feeling conflicted tonight and just questioning myself. Boy it feels like it just never gets any easier.
So, I decided to call my H to talk about all these doubts I'm feeling (fyi, I'm actually traveling for work, so maybe that's adding to all this feelings of doubts). And H was really good about talking out my feelings. He understood my doubts adn really talked about how normal it is. He even reassured me that he wants to be there for me to get through this. I actually feel much better.
And then I think the other thing that through me off emotionally was that last night I actually pulled up ow's myspace page and right there as her profile is a pic of her and my h. Now I know she put that up just for me. Then she added two blogs, one that says her h and the kids are family and he's the love of her life. And another one just for me - that the b--tch vicky don't check her out and that my private sticks (in not so nice words). Very classy girl isn't she. The quality of the person. I actually confided in H about seeing this, and again he was really cool. He said he told her he doesn't want his pics up there, and then he even told me don't even worry about all that she wrote and that's the stuff he couldn't handle about her the ghetto mentality. I like what H said that vicky you've above all that so don't even worry yourself about that that's just temporary and when she moves on and finds someone else all of that will be down. I begged him to not say anything to her about the myspace thing and I hope he doesn't b/c I don't want this girl to put all kinds of crap more about me on the internet. So I really hope for my sake that he doesn't. As I said to him by next week I will be over this, so I hope he leaves it alone. It would all just fuel the fire.
What was good is that H and I talked about that we want to be there for each other and he said that he wants to be there for me with this, so I hope he sticks to his word.
Anyway, I feel like gosh this saga still continues. But its so good to just have this website to write to.. very therapeautic.
I was here struggling by myself emotionally and decided that I better come back to my support group. I know Michele talks about once a WAS returns that the LBS then gets all the emotions of resentment and anger and here I am with all those feelings....
I guess really today its not so much resentment as questioning my decision. Tonight I really feel really unsure, all these questions are in my mind. I mean who really stays with someone who has done this? Is it really right to stay with a person who cheats over and over? I know that there needs to be consequences for a person to really change, and so I'm wondering if staying with a WAS is right, what really is the consequence. What the hell am I doing? And then, I think of the saying, "if you did what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." So, isn't it just rational to think that I'm really just gonna get what I've always gotten. I just don't know. I keep wondering what the hell I'm doing. I don't know if this is normal or not, H says it is, but I'm really feeling conflicted tonight and just questioning myself. Boy it feels like it just never gets any easier.
So then stay, but do things dramatically differently. Hard boundaries, strictly enforced, and full transparency would be a great way to start.
