I really do value your opinion and that's why I think I'm taking the time to answer each of your points. one other thing you mentioned that I really wanted to touch on.
I think you mentioned OW about 5 or 6 times in your post and I find that a bit troubling.
Let me just say, ow is the last thing on my mind in making this decision. I think before she was always on my mind when I thought about not making the decision. My thing is that even when I get pregnant I don't even want her to know. Let her find out whenever. This is about me. OW is living her life, she made her decision when to have her children. And she has her children to love and care for her. My decision in how I chose to make a family is none of her business. Before I even use to think that if H has a family with me I would want him to just move on from his son. And you know, I think that type of thinking is what God frowns upon. I now know I don't want to cause that type of hurt on h's son - he doesn't deserve that. If H and I do make a go for it, I hope that his son can become a part of our lives. But as far as ow is concerned, I could care less. Remember H's son is now going on 5 yrs old, if I had even wanted to do this b/c of her I would have been running to the Dr. 4 or 5 years ago. Nope - OW made her decisions of what's best for her, and I'm making mine.
Now is ow a factor in our lives - yes. H has a child with her so she can never really just go away. But I refuse to give that girl any more control over my life. This whole sitch has sucked enough of my energy already as it is. When H and I first got together, my sister would say that I need to consider having children with him, and I said I need to focus on my education adn career. And I did just that - no one was going to force my hand on that decision. And likewise, now I feel I'm ready, I'm in a good place in my life. Could my relationship with my H be better - hell yes. Gosh, we have put this decision off for so many years hoping for a better R. But before more and more yrs go by waiting and then I become high risk to have a family. I am consciously chosing to do it now. I'm asking for God's guidance because I know without him nothing is possible and I'm taking that leap of faith.
Anyway, just wanted to make sure I answered all your comments.
Now is ow a factor in our lives - yes. H has a child with her so she can never really just go away. But I refuse to give that girl any more control over my life. This whole sitch has sucked enough of my energy already as it is.
But imagine if you have a child or children with your H. It is possible if your M doesn't work out, OW may have a huge place in your child/ren's lives as a stepmother or whatever. That alone would make me stop and think! That to me is one of the hardest things to deal with, the OW spending considerable time with my kids as messed up as she is!
OMG, Being, I wrote this long long post to respond to you and I lost it so I just have to summarize what I said. Ahhhhh....
Well, I wrote more eloquently before all the reasons over the yrs why I had put off this decision to have a child, and they were many, 1. my education, 2. my career, 3. until H and I got married, 4. until ow is out of the pic, 5. until H and I have a stable R, etc. etc.
Believe you me, I know kids are stressful. I think of it like when I went for my masters I had decided to go to school fulltime and work full time, was it stressful, absolutely, but am I happy I did it, absolutely. Believe me, I know how stressful kids can be, my mom is a single mother of 6 and my sis was a single mother of 3. I know the stress, but I also know the joy. I remember when my sister wanted to have her 3rd, I was thinking she's crazy, and guess what her 3rd child is now 7 and my nephew is the one I take on weekend and take out and spend time with to give me joy. who is the cray one now.
I'm not sure why you think a woman having a child for herself is troubling. Imo, I think that is fabulous and makes for a better woman. That is so much better than all these young girls who are having children by mistake without making the decision when they are not even ready.
And as far as this being a rush decision, believe me it has been contemplated for years and years now. H and I talked about it for a long time. And we were unsure then. You know I'm so glad that I actually didnt have a child when I first found out about H's son and the A, I would have been a basketcase and it would not have been good for my child at all. Now I'm so confident that I'm stronger and so better able to handle this.
And to be honest, the one thing I know, H sucks right now as a H, but he is a great father and we will be great parents whether we're together or not. I look at this whole decision this way, women make the decision to have a child all the time and they use sperm donors to do it. Instead of using a donor who I don't know, I have chosen to have a child for a man that I love, I have commited to in God's eyes, and in his own selfish way, I know he loves me. And, we have families who I am confident will support us with our child. So are things perfect right now, no. But there are so many people who have had children under worse situations and they love them more than ever.
And I totally see nothing wrong with having a child to love and to love you back. If it is that you think I'm searching for love. I have 5 siblings and a mom who we are all closer than evr, too close. My sisters and mother speak practically every day. My H's family there are 7 of them and I have a great R with all my in-laws. I feel so blessed to have them in my life, and I know I wouldn't be as strong as I am without them. But yes, I want children, I want grandbabies, and great grand babies. I want to enjoy my God given life. Do I want to wait and wait some more years to see if things will ever be perfect, absolutely not!!
And also, I can tell you my H isn't doing this out of guilt - shoot, guilt I think would have made him do it years ago. He too was not sure for a long time. What he has said is that he also wants to have a family. And I'm taking his word for it and trying to use PMA. I feel like his heart is in the right place. But after dealing with a A, I will never vow for anyone anymore.
And pain, I think I'm more scared of pain of delivery at this point. At this point I want peace in my life and when I have my child I want a peaceful environment to raise a child in. I know that life is unpredictable and oh so complicated and we try our best to always follow the rules but sometimes ya just gotta follow your dreams and have the rest fall into place.
But imagine if you have a child or children with your H. It is possible if your M doesn't work out, OW may have a huge place in your child/ren's lives as a stepmother or whatever. That alone would make me stop and think! That to me is one of the hardest things to deal with, the OW spending considerable time with my kids as messed up as she is!
Yea, not a nice possibility. And I would really not want to have my children around her. But isn't this a risk one takes anytime you have children married or unmarried. I mean really, do we ever really say, if my H and I end, I would want my child being around another woman. No we make that decision on how to live our lives, not base on possibilities and the unknown.
But I am so not factoring that girl's existence right now into my life choices. She can live her life and I live mine and I could care less about her. When that time comes, I will deal with it appropriately then.
For now, I know years from now, this is a decision I will be happy I made b/c I am a firm believer that the fruits of the womb is one's reward and I have not done wrong and I know my God won't fail me. He put this desire in my heart and although I have tried so hard to make it go away, its still here so I'm just following his lead and whatever the outcome I know it will be for the good.
But isn't this a risk one takes anytime you have children married or unmarried. I mean really, do we ever really say, if my H and I end, I would want my child being around another woman.
The problem is the OW in our cases got involved with them BEFORE we ended our R. I see that as a huge difference b/w a woman that would date a man after D. From most of the postings here, and in my own case, the OP's are messed-up individuals, poor parents, etc.
You mention yourself as a single parent, but you won't be, your H will have an influence/control over your child, and if you break up, the OW may have also. I think you should continue praying and maybe IC about this also, and not just with your family members that can't be totally objective.
Karen, point taken. Thanks. I will definitely continue to pray on this and everything else in my life. Because I so know that without him, nothing in my life is possible. And actually, I do trust the opinion of family and friends that I've gone to. And I know that whatever I encounter in the future they will have my back and give the support I need, so I value their opinion way more than a stranger's.
Ok so, I think I've said enough on this b/c to go on would be like I'm trying to convince people of my decision and I'm not. I know it's my decision and I will have to live with it. Similar to when friends told me to end my M, I always said that is a decision I will make for myself that no one else can make for me. So I'm comfortable in my heart with this.
But one last story of an experience I've had in my life that really has helped me to make this decision and many other tough ones I've had to make...
So, on my last job, the place was absolutely egregious with their discrimination. It was to a point of ridiculous and it was going on for years. It hurt me to be at such a place to see my friends being treated so poorly. So I had organized everyone, got an attorney, had meetings outside of work, and was orchestrating a class action suit. So, when the time came closer to take action, all my other co-workers dropped out one by one out of fear of suing the company and what it would do to their career going forward. I remember being so upset and angry and I just knew in my heart that the companies actions were dead wrong and this was the right step to take. I remember coming home to H crying after I was left alone and H convincing me to go forward on my own and that sometimes just one person could make a difference. When my co-workers heard I was still going forward, they were shocked. And was I nervous and scared, absolutely. I was still young in my career and wondered if this will hurt me and did the older co-workers know better than me that's why they dropped out. So when the company got the complaint, you can image how awful it got since I still worked there. I remember each day walking in praying to God asking for his guidance and asking him to show me the way to make the right decision and to take the right actions. I had no clue what the outcome would have been. And boy I can tell you, it got heated at times in work. And all of this was going on while I was full time in school too. The company of course retaliated, althougth I was a start worker before, my evaluations got terrible, my vacation time was denied, etc. But I actually pressed on b/c I felt I was doing the right thing. So eventually, we mediated with the govt agency that handled the claim. We made a settlement, I agreed to leave the organization, and my record was clean. I remember we finally came to agreement about 7pm a Wed. evening and as of that evening, I had no job but I was happy I went forward. Then OMG the very next day a co-worker called me saying that a company I had interviewed with several months ago had called a colleague to get a reference for me. I had not heard from the job in weeks. Shortly after, I got the call on my cell phone offering me the job. Now this was my dream job I wanted since undergrad, the pay was 1.5 times my old job, the benefits were amazing, I just could not believe it. It was the very next day before I had no job and then the next morning I had my dream job. I was even able to get the whole summer off like I wanted and the job was waiting for me.
I give this story to say that this is where I based my decisions on - when God is in charge, what may seem like a mistake or a risk, he uses it for his own good. I'm putting him in charge of this decision. I don't even want to make it without him in the midst. I want him to guide each and every step of it. And whatever is to come, I know he will handle it. He did it many many times before in my life and I know he will do it again. I don't feel confident in my H nor do I feel confident in the present situation of my marriage, but I surely feel confident in my God.
I found out that the text message ow has been sending me that she is having another child for my H is actually true. Very shocking!!! But strange enough I'm ok. I think it's more so pretty sad for this child, her, and H than for me I think.
I found out that the text message ow has been sending me that she is having another child for my H is actually true. Very shocking!!! But strange enough I'm ok. I think it's more so pretty sad for this child, her, and H than for me I think.
Life does it own thing, doesn't it.
Your faith is certainly being tested. You are holding up very well. Keep strong and keep your faith no matter the outcome.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Yep Pup. She's pregnant for my H. I'm almost speechless to be honest.
And Kevin, sure enough, my faith is being tested. This week I actually questioned the goodness of God. I try to live right. Be a good person, and I just don't know sometimes. I guess as they say, there's a plan in all this. It's really hard to see the plan. Especially when ow was in a situation where she was homeless, just got a job, can't make ends meet, on food stamps, etc. But God is allowing her to bring kids into this world like nothing to it. Even taking my hurt and pain out of the picture, I'm really struggling to see God's plan in all this. Just don't know.
But, my attitude right now is that I just don't want other people's poor life choices (my H and ow) to affect my happiness. I can't do it anymore. I just can't give away any of my joy and peace anymore. Their life, thier choices, consequences of their actions, I just can't be bothered anymore.
