Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[iwantittowork]

Hello,

I want to record some thoughts on my sitch, so using the forum to document them, and work on myself. I am looking for feedback and support, so please feel free to PM me, or comment as I work on this.

About Me:
39 years old, about to hit 40 in one month, Been with my wife for 15 years now, but only legally married for 4 years. My situation seems to mirror a lot of what is written about, I thought we had a good relationship, but had blinders on, about 3 years ago, my wifes Mother became ill with Cancer, and passed away last year. Her father had passed on when she was 9, and she doesn't have any other family in the area.

We have a lovely 8 year old daughter, and W has 2 older boys, 18 and 17 from an earlier marriage, that are my stepsons.

During the last 3 years, she has become distant and withdrawn from our relationship. Looking back, I sensed that something was occuring, and did all the WRONG things, trying to 'force' intimacy, but just smothering her, I see that now, but couldnt then. I can't go back and fix this, I can only acknowledge what I did wrong, and try not to do that again.

About a year ago, it all started coming apart fully, 6 months ago, our physical contact ended, not even hugs or kisses, etc. She had said I had been emotionally and verbally abusive to her through our entire relationship. I see now that I had been. That is a tough pill to swallow. How does one get to the point where they so deeply hurt the person they love in this world the most? That comes from my own insecurities, and issues.

We have been in counseling for about 7 months, and I still can not get out of the circle of insecurities/jealousy/anger/resentment, etc.

Last Sunday the final bombshell dropped, and she said it was over, with no hope for ever being more than friends, and that I had ruined anything left for her about feelings for me, and she wanted to move on before she just had nothing but hate for me.

She says she is in a different place now, and that I will never be able to be in that same place with her, even if I started now, she will have moved beyond where I will be.

I am calling the above, day 0, and it is, without a doubt, the worst day I have ever had. I took to the road for a few hours, stopped and commiserated with my parents, tried to come to grips with things, analyze what was/had happened.

[iwantittowork]

Day 1:
I woke up this day, somewhat calm and quiet for everything that had just happened. I began thinking about the past few months, why could I not get out of this funk I am in? I began to think back over our counseling, and decided a couple of things.

1) I need a new counselor just for me, to work on my self image issues, insecurities, where all this negativity seems to flow from.

2) I wanted to contact our current counselor and ask for referrals and discuss what had happened over the weekend.

My contact with the counselor had unintended consequences, when I told her what had happened, she said all the right things: "I'm so sorry for you, I understand you hurt", etc, etc, but then she said on our scheduled Friday session, we could start looking at how to break things up, how to approach the kids, how to start planning for the end. I almost did a double take on the phone, I had been expecting more advocacy for our marriage, but that was not there at all. I then began to think back to the last 7 months of our sessions, and realized I had essentially nothing to show for it. No tools to work on these issues, I looked a the scattered notes I had taken from them, and there was nothing of substance there. I was surprised to say the least.

I had the DR book in the back of my mind for a while now, I had bought it a few months back, read through it quickly, but then set it aside for some unknown reason. I think now that I didn't have the courage/heart to try and implement what was there. I decided to come back to the DB site, and review the coaching sessions, and then signed up immediately for them.

Amazingly, there was a session slot on the day I signed up for available to me, I took that in a heartbeat.
The session with Chuck started out slowly, and progressed well, it was nice to hear the DB/DR techniques framed in my own situational context.

I left that meeting with 3 pages of action items, using the LR techniques, Act as If, Stop Chasing, and GAL, talk to new people. I also had a small glimmer of hope starting to grow, at least for my own future prospects.

One of the things that hit me, was needing to get involved with other things, talk to other people, I have always been introverted, scared to engage new people, and shy. I was thinking about this, as I left the meeting, and went to our Cafe to grab a sandwich for lunch, when the Chef behind the counter started to talk with me. This does not happen in general. I have been at this cafe nearly 5 days a week for 2+ years, and rarely speak to the help, other than to place my order.

Somehow, coming out of a meeting discussing this very thing, I was presented immediately with this situation. In that very moment, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I engaged the chef with some talk about the red sox for several minutes, and left with an extremely hopeful feeling. How can this be? Is this the universe somehow enlightening me? it feels that way, I can say for sure.

[antlers]

Listen to me...leave her alone...just leave her alone. If she wants to talk about the marriage, then listen to her, and answer her questions...but don't say a whole lot...and don't disagree with her! You don't need to initiate any marriage talk with her! This is hard...we all know it...but it's what you need to do right now. Don't cry in front of her, don't beg, don't plead, don't bargain, don't tell her you'll change, don't use guilt, don't do any of these things! It's hard, and we all know it. Your heart will tell you to do all of these things...BUT DON'T! These things are counter-productive...believe me! Start living, more like existing one day at a time. You need to be in survival mode. Back off! Leave it alone for right now. She's probably gonna need some time and space...and she'll ask for it. Give it to her. LEAVE HER ALONE! I can't stress this enough! Take care of yourself, and take the best care of the kids that you can. Buckle in, because it's gonna get bumpy! You are not alone! Stay here, read and learn, look at other people's threads. Maintain your coolness!

[iwantittowork]

Day 1, continued:
I still am in shock, that after 1 hour of contact with a DB coach, I had more material to work with, than seven months of weekly counseling. I don't ever want to bad mouth the Counselor, but I feel that she was not right for me now, and I am not going to go back to her if I can avoid it.

I have a plan for today that includes talking to some strangers, acting as if I am happy when I am home, changing up my routines, talk to my W about some non controversial things every day, and start to GAL.

I went home tonight with an sense of hope that I didn't think I would have after 1 day from day 0, but some dread too. I came in the house, my W had extra dinner on the stove, so I thanked her for that, and grabbed a quick bite.

I then brought my daughter up to show her some pictures her grandmother had emailed, of her cousin wearing some slippers that my daughter had hand knitted at 8 years old, my wife then saw them too, and both were giggling and happy.

I briefly then talked to my W about Jacoby Elsbury stealing home base in the game against the Yankees, and lightheartedly got a small laugh from her. mentioned a new phone I got from work, the upcoming hot weather, and how her day at work was.

I then ended the conversation, went upstairs, did something unusual, took a shower, as I had worked out earlier, put on some clothes, and got ready to head to the store to pick up some cream for coffee, and CVS to pick up some pictures we had getting developed.

While I was out, I really wanted to be near some people, so I stopped at our local sports pub, (I know, this is probably not the best place to be, but I just wanted to grab a quick drink, and watch the end of Monday nights sox game.)

I sat at the bar, couple seats down from a younger gentleman. We were both watching the game closely. During this, we chated a bit, I struck up the conversation with the game as the focal point. Here I am 1 day from day 0, the worst day of my life, somehow in a good mood chatting to someone I have never met, will probably never see again in my life, but with some amazing feelings and results.

I turns out, he is an 8 year Coast Guard enlistee, getting ready to get out and move back to his home in Michagan in the next year. I am overpowered by what is happening this day, and I do something else I have never done, I simply thank him for his 8 years of service to our county, and then place 20 dollars in front of him for some of his drinks. The expression on his face was worth the entire trip. He is simply stunned that this just happened. I then shake his hand, and leave, to head back home, hoping to have brightened his day a bit.

I have new sense of hope, I will see this through. I will put whatever it takes into myself and my marriage if it can be saved, to come out this a better person for my family and myself. I don't know where this road will take me, and I am using this forum as a bit of a support crutch, and a record. Someday I may run into some of you without knowing it, the road seems to lay open to me now, I am going to do my best to stay on it.

[iwantittowork]

Day 2:

I am writing this at the beginning of day 3, but as I have woken up the last couple of days, oddly at peace and and not scared or fearful as I had expected to be.

From my plan for day 2, I mixed up my life bit, even little things, I parked in a completely different parking spot at work, on a different level. Little shakups like this seem to help with my frame of mind, I am looking at a new path for myself, and more determined than I ever have been in the past to make positive changes.

I setup dinner plans for tonight with 2 old co-workers/friends that I have not seen in a couple years, I can't wait to talk to them for couple hours over a good dinner. I told my W last night not to expect me home for dinner, as I would be late coming home.

I again talked with a stranger, at the gym last night, after changing, I just started talking to the other guy in the room about working out. Turns out, he was from India, and worked across the street as a scientist at a Biotech firm. Interesting stuff! I am really digging this interaction with strangers, and recommend people try it if they have not.

My W was late getting home last night, but I didn't ask where she had been, although it was on our calendar, and she had our D with her. I did have some light talk with her about the day, but then realized I keep letting her finish the conversation. I need to work on that.

Things of note:
A couple of odd things happened with the W yesterday, I want to write about, and maybe get some opinions. I refuse to read to much into them though, and just want to note them for future reference.

My W called me at work today to let me know the building inspector had come by the house to ask about some renovation we had been doing and if we had a permit. This is highly unusual for her, in our 15 years together, she has maybe called me at work 5 times, and always for serious stuff. She may have thought this was serious to her, so I again, don't want to read too much into it.

At Bedtime, I had turned on the TV to catch a bit of the Red Sox game, and she came to bed as well, stating she was stressed and tired. I slipped up here a bit, and asked her why she was stressed, but after her brief answer of work/life, etc, I let it drop. I asked her if she was going to sleep, she said yes, so I said I would go downstairs and watch TV with the boys. She said after a couple seconds, it would be ok for me to watch it in bed, but I told her I would rather she get a good night sleep, and turned the light off and went downstairs.

This morning, I went in to work late, to stop at the Town Hall and pickup a permit, which the W and I both joked a bit about, knowing the town is really only just looking for the 50 dollar fee, and not really interested in the roof repair.

She also grilled me a bit on where I had been two nights ago, getting home a little late from stopping at the bar to watch the red sox game. I tried to just limit what I said, but won't ever lie to her, so just said I stopped at the bar to watch the game for a bit.

She left for work and seemed irritated, moving really quickly around the house, and I heard something get knocked off the bathroom counter. I decided to stay out of the way, and not ask a thing, wishing her the best day she could have as she went out the door.

[iwantittowork]

I have a couple questions that I am looking for some help on, if anyone has read all the ramblings so far.

I have come to the conclusion the Counselor we had been seeing has not been good for me, whether I had just not been in the right place, or frame of mind for or she just isn't working doesn't matter to me, I just feel that I don't want to go to her anymore.

We have a meeting setup for Friday night, which I want to tell my wife I will not be attending for the above reason. I believe this meeting will be to start the process of breakup, and how we approach the kids, etc, and I don't want her to think I am trying to avoid that talk, I just don't think this counselor is good for me at this time. Do you think I should tell her I am not coming?

I am surprised in the rapid change in my own feelings, I am calm, not scared, fear seems to have dropped over this situation. I have been listening the 'the secret' audio tape on the ride to work, and it is clearly resonating with me. Has anyone else seen this kind of rapid change in themselves during what I expected would be a period for me of complete devastation?

I can clearly see some huge mistakes I had/have been making, I hope that writing them here, and maybe people reading them here will help them as well.

Not only had I been looking for my wife to provide happiness for me, through physical contact, emotion, etc, I had been expecting myself to provide happiness to my wife. This is so evident now: A lot of our relationship, I had been trying things like: maybe my wife will be happy with me, if I get a great job, get a new car, buy a boat, get a big house, etc, etc. That is so wrong, and putting so much pressure on her as well as me, when the truth of the matter is, it's not my responsibility to make her happy, just as it's not her responsibility to make ME happy. The only one who can make her happy is herself, the only one that can make ME happy is MYSELF. I can't believe I couldn't see this as clearly as I do now.

[iwantittowork]

Another thing that I have been thinking about, I had been worrying that if she wanted to end the marriage, I would have to figure out how to split things up, how to move out of the house. I'd have to keep paying the bills while I don't live there any more.

Now, I really don't want to leave the house, should I have to when I am not the one that wants to end the relationship? Should I have to pay for her cell phone, gas, etc, and keep everything in order that I have been doing?

I don't look at this in a spiteful way at all, just given my frame of mind, why was I trying to take on all the responsibility for that, when I am not the one trying to end this?

[pearlharbr]

Hi IWITW

Welcome to the forums. I see you haven't gotten many responses so I'll chime in, even though you're a Red Sox fan.

It sounds like you are doing very well with the DB coach's suggestions. If you'd like another nudge to meet new people and try new things watch the Jim Carrey movie Yes Man. It really got me in that frame of mind and totally turned me around. But it doesn't sound like you need too much help in that area.

Regarding cancelling the counseling session, I'm not sure how to get out of it gracefully. Perhaps others will have suggestions.

Do not leave your house. While there are differing opinions on several issues here it's pretty unanimous that the LBS should not be the one to leave. Should things come to that then she should be the one to leave and split the bills accordingly. But let's cross that bridge when we come to it.

Some helpful hints to life on the boards:

It would be helpful to create a signature with your basic details and a link to this thread so people can find you.

Keep your story in one thread. It's confusing for everyone if you start up new threads. If you want to bump yourself up to get on people's radar just make another post here.

Read and post on other people's threads, even if it's just to offer support. That way you will get to know people and they will come over here to check out your story.

By all means continue to journal for yourself and ask for advice when you're looking for it.

[iwantittowork]

Thanks for the comments pearlharbr, I used some of your suggestions..

Day 3:
For my day 3 action plans, I called a new counselor, got setup for next week appt to talk, he sounds like a possible good fit.

I also setup a trip to a Drag Racing event with 6 friends for June, I have not been to one in over 15 years, but love Drag Racing, so doing something I used to love with a group of friends, although it's a ways off on the schedule still

The counselor we had been seeing actually called me today, so I took the opportunity to discuss the last couple of days with her, and that I didn't feel I was getting what I needed from her, and no longer wanted to come in. She accepted that, and then we discussed how to address this with my W, and counselor wanted to call W herself and discuss. I allowed her to do that, not sure if it was a good thing or not, but that is no longer an issue.

I talked to another stranger today, in line at the cafe, and another interesting story unfolded, she is from Holland, moved here to our office recently to work in our office. It was just a brief pleasant conversation, but again, I felt great afterward.

Went out to dinner with my old friends, and had a good time reminiscing about our old work places together.

I ended the night on a bad note however, on my way home, I was just perplexed in these changes I seem to be feeling, and when I got home, I just started talking to the W about all the things that have happened the last couple days, and made the mistake of then telling her I didn't feel we were through yet.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, I can see today, that this info on me is NOT for her, its for ME only. I need to be stronger on my own, and keep to myself things like this.

So, this morning, I am not feeling as good as the last couple days, but need to refocus again, re-read some stories on DB, and put more plans on paper and in action.

[PortlandDad]

iwant,

Don't beat yourself up over minor setbacks. Everyone has good days and bad. Like you said, refocus and move forward.

I would also not do anything to enable to further the disintegration of your family. If your W wants out, then let her be the one to file, move, etc. You also do not need to pay for her A. Puppy Dog Tails can give you much better advice in this area than I can, but the gist is that anything that she is using to conduct an A is something she should be paying for. This includes her cell phone, gifts to the OM, perfume, lingerie, etc.

You sound really good and healthy for where you are in your sitch. I think it took me about 3 months of separation before the fear disappeared and I started to feel confident in my own skin without my W. Like I sad earlier, we all progress and acclimate at different paces and we will all backslide occasionally.

Keep it up!