DQ sent me here to pipe in. The physical attributes that DQ describes are very important. Also, keep those fingernails clean and trim. I tend to check out shoes and hands - not sure why, but I always have.
A very important trait is to know what you want. Nice Guys tend to leave everything up to the girl (where to go to eat, what movie to see, etc.) We want YOU to lead. Pick the place and the time, let her know. Let her stand up and object if she doesn't like something. Otherwise, she'll love that you're in charge and confident in your decisions.
Let me bounce my current list of displaying CONFIDENCE back to you:
(1) Make decisions without dictating (don't 'pass the buck' to someone else). (2) Demonstrate an opinion on key issues (stand up for your beliefs and wants). (3) Maintain good posture and walk proud. (4) Dress sharp and clean (e.g. Men's Health magazine ads), including really good shoes. (5) Enunciate and project your voice. (6) Smile (7) Maintain good personal hygiene (8) Don't ask for help - ask for advice. (9) Socialize with everyone.
Last night I practiced #6 (smile) and #9 (socialize) at a wine tasting event and had great results. Had a wonderful time and met a lot of new people --- not 'everyone' but at least a dozen.
#4 (posture) I continue to work on, but it's hard to dress in layers as so many of the GQ and Men's Health ads suggest when I live in Phoenix and it is currently 80+ degrees in the evening.
============================ I tried #3 (posture) and #4 (dress sharp) for an school event with W and S6 tonight, but failed on #5, #6, and #9. W and I didn't talk much the whole time. She asked me a few questions and I just gave short answers. I couldn't seem to muster even a smile around her tonight. I didn't feel sick, but it was like I was jumping out of my skin - not nervous or sad around her, I kept thinking about how much fun I had with my new friends the night before and how being around W just sucked. I wanted to bolt out the door the whole time.
Then I recalled W telling me awhile back that she felt like her 'skin was crawling' constantly around me for months prior to the bomb and that she wanted to flee. I guess I finally felt the same thing she has for awhile. I'm not complaining about the new feeling, just observant of how bad it must have been for her.
It's like my mind finally turned it around so that I wasn't the victim anymore, I was consciously feeling... I don't know, not necessarily in control, but clearly sensing that I could make my own choices and be happier without her. (yeah, I know, grass is greener), but it wasn't like I had another ship to jump onto, it was just that I felt like the ship I was on was burning underneath me. ============================
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H40 (me) W34 (WAW) S6 T11 M10
Feb09: Need a break bomb Mar09: I moved to apartment to GAL, PMA, NMMNG Apr09: WAW 'dating' OM at work, positive around me lately.
We want YOU to lead. Pick the place and the time, let her know. Let her stand up and object if she doesn't like something. Otherwise, she'll love that you're in charge and confident in your decisions.
This is a very good one for me to think about. It always seemed like the right thing to do to say 'hey, no pressure, you get to pick whatever you want' but really, that is putting on a lot of pressure. Of course, there's a fine line I need to walk between being confident and being controlling about these things. I guess a lot of that comes into the "let her stand up and object" part of it.
I've been doing really good about rebuilding my extroversion - mingling in groups and reaching out to strangers and introducing myself. Despite my fear otherwise, I have yet to get 'shut down' by anybody. Worst case seems to be timing (as in, when someone I want to meet is not already talking with someone else 1-on-1) and simply not having anything to talk about after the introduction and a couple of basic questions.
My confidence led me to the following lunch (which I planned at a restaurant) with my W where I demonstrated some of my new found confidence:
Hey NiceGuy - I've been following your story closely and given your upcoming solo European trip and the firm but quite reasonable stand with W, it sure sounds like you're getting a whole new load of confidence!
It's never easy, but glad to make baby steps when I can. The solo trip is definitely a 180 for me, and well outside of my comfort zone and may be lonely, but I think it will be highly rewarding.
W e-mailed me to tell that I did come across as controlling, that she couldn't go to work today due to panic attacks, and is putting the house on the market and filing for separation.
We'll see how it plays out. Surprisingly, I'm not sad about it, only that she gives up so easily (give or take a few years, that is) after I stand up for myself.
