Times like that, before she even gets started, you should just say, sorry you feel like that and end it. She's the one who's going to end up with the crappy life, yet wants to blame all the unahppiness on you. Don't worry, all WASs do that. They cut down the LBS to prop themselves up. I was amazed at the type of things my W would tell me.
If she continues to rant at you, then draw a line and tell her that you will not be talked down to that way and if she is willing to talk in a civilized manner, then you will continue to TALK. If not, then you have nothing more to discuss. Wish her a nice day and hang up gently. The thing is to stop the disrespect for you.
She has to respect you again first and foremost whether you decide to DB or not. You are the father of her child and you are not the one who is cheating. No matter what you may or may not have done in the past, it is no excuse for her ML with another man.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I don't think she's consciously trying to be disrespectful, I think she's just angry and crazed about the situation and lashing out from an emotional reaction. The best way to deal with a crazy person is distance and detachment. I wouldn't take it personally.
Yes, the jerky behavior makes it easier to actually want the D and go through with it. A momentum gets started.... If you in any way want to keep your family together (and no matter what crap she's throwing at you right now, in the long run it would probably be best if you did... because D never really fixes anything and has it's own set of problems...), the best thing to do now is distance from her. If she acts like a bitch (and do expect her to, she's going through a crazy time) just calmly tell her you refuse to talk with her until she calms down and hang up or leave.
You both need to distance and try to calm down. If if you keep up this fighting you will destroy your kids.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Yeah we actually don't fight in front of the kids. Or really we don't fight. She yells at me. I tell her I am sorry she feels that way. She yells at me some more and we call it a night. I don't think there is any hope at this point. We're scheduled for a court date in about a month and I don't think that she will waver from her course. I'm keeping my distance and following the basic principals, but it feels academic at this point.
When she yells or throws out an arguement have you ever just agreed with her? I used to do that with my husband. Even when he was completely wrong. I would agree, say "I hear you" and just try to be calm and NEVER react to his anger. Quite honestly, I feel like I really learned a lot from this experience. How to just let a crazy person go off and not let it affect me. It was kind of empowering.... try this. It may help defuse some anger. Maybe not...
All you can do is your best. I'm sorry there's still such anger and momentum. It's too bad everything can't be slowed down. Sometimes distance and time is the only answer.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
All you can do is your best. I'm sorry there's still such anger and momentum. It's too bad everything can't be slowed down. Sometimes distance and time is the only answer.
Absolutely the truth. Unfortunately I, as your screen name suggests, am running out of time. I saw my lawyer today. It is going to be a tough road financially. Basically my w. is going to argue that she can't work and has no real earning potential. We'll argue that she can do something, but basically she's going to get a lot of money from me. It is funny, she sends out all these status updates on facebook about how tough she is to be braving the world on her own, but she's going to be collecting more than the average American household income from me for the next 20 years, without any obligation to do anything other than to raise her own kids part of the time. She's a damn hero.
I originally picked this name because that's exactly where I was at... running out of time... divorce clock ticking...
How long were you married? Is she disabled? Alimony shouldn't be lasting 20 years... Yes, child support may be high, but most courts are much more fair these days and will expect her to go back to work pretty quickly.
Yes, you have to expect her to argue for as much as she can get, but ultimately she should be getting less (unless she has some primo lawyer...). Are you going for 50/50 custody? I forgot, how many kids is it???
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
We were married for 5 years (almost 6). We lived together for 5 before we were married. She is not disabled, but she really has no work experience and the kids are 2 and 4, so my lawyer has told me that since I make a good living, she will argue that I should effectively support her living at home with the kids. The alimony will hopefully only last 3 years (hopefully). The truth is I want to give her the money anyways as it is going to my kids. I'm just venting some of my darker stupid stuff here.
I think what it comes down to is I no longer want to bust this divorce. I think that my wife is a selfish person who has blamed me for her every failing, and for not being a superhero who could fix everything in her life. And now she has left me for another man. As bad as divorce is, I think it is time for me to accept it and to move on with my life.
I don't think I will be coming around anymore. So thank you all for the great advice and for the support. I really wish that you all find the happiness you deserve. None of us are perfect, but I think just the fact that we cared enough to come here, to look in the mirror and to want to make ourselves better people is something we should get credit for. I know I am fortunate to have found this place, and I wish you all the happy marriages you deserve.
It has been about a month since I last posted here. A month ago I really gave up on my marriage. I decided at that point that I was just going to focus on being the best person I could be, on being a good father, and on finding some happiness for myself. A month ago I started dating and I really accepted that my marriage was over. I lfet my wife to sort out her own situation. (Although to be clear she left me for another man, I mean I left her more metaphorically). And it was the best thing I could have done. I am so much happier and healthier today. Today my wife called me. I can tell she is having some doubts. I told her that the door was still open and that we are the ones who will write the end of this story. She was quiet for about 2-3 minutes, a long time on the phone. We agreed to talk this evening. She may say that she wants to give it another chance. She may not. But I am going to be fine either way. I've met some awesome women on my dates. I've discovered that a 34 year old divorcee is pretty damn marketable if you make a good living and are kind and relatively interesting. I've had a wonderful time with my children. I broke a lot of DB rules, but detaching, GAL, and focusing on being the best person are fundamentals and they served me very well. Not sure why I am here. I don't recognize many of the screen names. But I wanted to update. In some ways this is the journal of this process for me and I wanted to leave an update. I'm interested to see how this ends up. But I am going to be ok either way. So hang in there friends.
