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Hey Donna,

I'm glad that you aren't posting as often, because that's a sure sign of growth!

I have a question for you, and you can post the answer on my thread if you get the chance.

I am more than likely going to trial with STBX. She fired her attorney after a year, probably because he isn't telling her what she wants to hear.

She is still insisting on having 50% of my income. Do you know how alimony numbers are determined? I know, it's not exact, but 50%? C'mon!

I'll ask Gypsy the same thing!

FLTC

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Originally Posted By: Donna...Found
Needless to say, I am well smile

I loved that!!! Dont know why, it sounded like you are doing REALLY well!! Anything interesting happening over there?
xxx
K


Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009
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Just a very interesting quote (about having cancer, but "survival story" runs parallel):

Quote:
For me, as I think some others have said, constantly hearing how “strong” I am and with how much “grace” I’ve handled all this has mostly left me with the message that I should put on a brave face and help everyone else feel comfortable with my situation. When I send out updates, the ones that get the most comments and support are the positive, upbeat ones. The ones where I worry, complain, and share bad news are too often greeted with silence. My favorite responses ever were the ones that acknowledged what a raw deal I got and how much cancer sucks.
I have dealt with this situation with much more grace and fortitude than I ever expected from myself, based on how I’ve dealt with lesser problems in the past. I think the lack of choice is the key to that. When people say, “Oh, I don’t think I could go through that treatment; you must be so brave,” or whatever, I just say, “well, you know, it beats the alternative.” I was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer in 2007 and I am lucky to be alive today. If I hadn’t had the treatments, or if they hadn’t worked as well as they did, I wouldn’t be here today, for sure.
The other thing, though, about being told all the time how well I’ve handled cancer, is that I now have almost no one to talk to about any other problems I might be facing. Because, after all, I should keep things in perspective: I survived cancer! how could anything possibly be wrong now?

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Interesting. From my point of view, it sounds like the cancer victim is doing quite a bit of projecting....

so, what's up?


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OK, it has been forever since I updated. Lots of things clicking in my head all at once, I guess.
I am sure that I'm leaving things out, but that's ok.

A big thing was my son's graduation from West Point Boot Camp for NJROTC - I am so proud of him. My in-law's drove up with me, and my X was there with my daughter and his sister.
No gut reaction in me. No stress, no drama. Nothing. I noticed he is wearing his beard as a goatee (eww on him), nothing more. xSIL took a family picture.
At the end, my son said he was starving, and I asked X if they wanted to stop at a diner we passed to all get lunch (he was bringing the kids with him - his weekend). At first, he said his sister had to get home, but she said she'd like to get together for lunch. I sat across from him - no deep convos, just kind of normal. It was fine, and I think the kids liked it.

It did feel a little sad to walk back to the car with in-laws and not the kids, but not a huge thing.

What a long, strange trip it's been, hmmm?

Anyway, came home, took a nap, kids were home by 7:30 and spent time with them.

I guess it did hit me later that night - but not about what you would think.
D10 had her hair up in a ponytail, and I had made the mistake to ask her who helped her with it. Stupid. I regreted it as soon as I said it and she quickly answered "I don't remember." I felt like sh!t that I had made her feel guilty.
At the same time, after everything I had been able to do that day, it was knowing that someone else had put my D's hair up, someone else trying to have her as part of their family. That is what got to me.
The loneliness came in, the rememberence of rejection, the wanting someone to love me like I had been long ago, missing being married and having a partner, etc.
It lasted about 2 hours. But again, it wasn't hysterics, just...weeping. Snapped out of it without lingering. No deep-seated pain that you can feel physically.
A mere hiccup, comparatively.

Another step forward. It is married life that I am missing, not really him, per se. And that isn't a constant, either. I did talk with my IC soon after that, and it was funny how, before I could even tell her about how I was feeling, that she knew what I felt was missing, what I wanted to eventually fill (an intimate relationship, a life partner). That I was well on my way with the work I was doing for myself, and that it would open me up to have opportunities for a healthy relationship - that there would be room for it in my life as I continued to move forward.
The goal is to have a personally successful year, just for me, first. Beyond surviving. Get back to a place in my career where I am shining again, finally climb on top of the household day-to-day chores (the adjusting to being a single mom is done - now, just to hone and practice it). Finish that damn grad degree.

I started Zumba last week - it's an 8-week thing. Kicked my A$$!!!! (Aerobics dancing set to latin music) Jumping around and shakin' ma thang for a solid hour - I could feel my face on fire. But it was a blast! Now, I just have to figure out how that woman is moving her feet so fast...I'm blaming it on my grippy running shoes. I was actually amazed I didn't trip over my own feet!
My appetite has recovered from the divorce diet (lost 45 pounds) with a vengence - back up 30!! Um, no thanks, body - I liked being thin! Seems sleep wants to do that, too (went from a year of getting no more than 2 hours a night, to now longing for a nap daily!). Discipline is something I am trying hard to embrace.

Then, there was the phone call Thursday. X wants me to share in the driving back and forth to his house (which is on the other side of town, about 15 min).
Taken off-guard, I said I would have to think about it, that it would probably have to be on a case-by-case basis, since I use that time. Curtly, he asked about Fri. I asked him if he had talked to the kids about their church group that was scheduled for that night. That's when it hit the fan....
We get the same emails from church. But I hadn't called him to tell him D was thinking about going, too (would be new for her) -
blah, blah, blah....you can probably imagine the rest. How I was still so selfish and inconsiderate, never a partner before, why should he be surprised now, etc.
I said that I am not going to manage his relationship with his kids - he had the same opportunity to talk to them about this that I did (they talk by phone every night, eat dinner together at least 2x/week). And if he missed stuff, that might just be a consequence of being divorced - I couldn't possibly know what they did and didn't discuss when they were together.
Well, he continued to attack me, and I'm not taking it anymore. Let's just say I got a lot off my chest while staying calm, while he took his usual path of self-justification, blame, calling me a b!tch and telling me f*ch you, that everyone would see someday what I really was, etc., how great she was and how happy he is. He said he is sick of people telling him how sh!tty he treated me while "forgetting" the abuse I heaped on him (history rewritten)- I mentioned that maybe, if you are hearing that from so many, that there might be some merit to it.
I redirected the convo back to the kids a few times, telling him he would get more accomplished if he learned some communication skills and stopped attacking me.
He finished the convo by saying he should have listened to my father years ago "and gotten the hell away as fast as he could." (My father died before my children were born, in 1994), then hung up on me.

He is an emotionally stunted, retarded individual, a bully.

I came to find out that he picked the fight with me because he had spoken to his mother earlier that day and she had hung up on him.

Apparently, he told his mother that she better get used to being around his girlfriend and accepting her - she said she didn't have to, and hung up.
Can you imagine being the girlfriend in this? Why would you want to force yourself upon people who don't even WANT to like you?
[wow, I just re-read that, and was struck by how I was doing that with X! I just didn't believe him for a long time...]
I think his family will tolerate her, each in their own time, so as not to loose him. They'll do what they have to do. And I am leaving them to that. Again, not as destroyed over that new reality, either. I'd rather be with my family and friends who I know love me for me, not just who I am married to - it's a tearing away, of sorts.

I feel badly for his parents - I don't have to deal with his drama, anymore. I can feel it - it doesn't effect me, anymore. He can rant all he wants, and I can finally see through it - IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!
I have sympathy for everyone else this still hurts - his parents, his sibs, but most importantly, my kids. But in the end, my children are all who I can be concerned with. I'll just have to love them better; we don't get to pick our parents, and some have more flaws than others.

Our marriage broke for a lot of reasons - I have been working hard on mine. But he is still a broken man, and I don't know if or when he will ever see it. Not my problem, anymore.

The urgency that had gripped me for so long, wanting desperately to reach him, help him, has vaporized. I give up, but not in the defeated way that I had felt so badly about before. He WANTS to be this way....
like the drunk who won't quit until they decide they want to.
He simply cannot comprehend anything else - like humans can't hear ultra-high-pitched frequencies, this is just beyond him.

Someone asked me today if I would ever take him back.

It was the first time I could honestly answer

no.

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Just went back and read page 19 - what a different place!

I recently did a mental list of all the things I lost, and all that X lost....
and I certainly came out ahead. Told him that in that last phone convo, and said thank you.
I'll try to get that down the next time I post.

Still struggling with some nasty sentiment toward gf. Getting there, though...at this point, I know it is just going to take time.

Meanwhile, dribs and drabs come to me through acquaintances, some people who grew up with her here in town and have known her a long time...unsolicited things about her.
1. She was always a "skanky b!tch" in school (from too many people for them to all be trying to make me feel better). I can't tell you how many people come up to me and say how they never liked her, even before this all happened, and that they weren't surprised that she had the capacity (although are surprised that my X "downgraded" so dramatically). I get the question asked all the time - he had an affair - with HER?! Like I should know the reason why!
2. She went after her X's inheritence - soon after the affair was exposed, his very wealthy brother offered him to go visit/stay with him/help out. Well, he did that, helped his brother tremendously and they were there for each other, but tragically, the brother died last year. Leaving him EVERYTHING. The man will never have to work another day in his life, lives on the beach on the Cape, and still owns the house here. She gets zero alimony.
Needless to say, she got nothing. But what audacity to even try.
3. She brought her 16 year-old daughter to get a tatoo. As big as your hand. On her shoulder blade.
When I asked my son if he had heard about it, he said "Mom, they're all dirt bags over there, what did you expect?" Before I could even ask him about it, he said he would NOT be thinking about or getting a tatoo!!

Just some recent things I don't think I posted about before. Sounds like X picked a real winner, hmm?
Just wish I could do more to buffer between the kids and her...but am realizing the advice about how I do that best when I concentrate on being the best parent I can be, and letting the contrast speak for itself.

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Oh, another tidbit...

X bought his house with his sister as co-signer last October, just 4 months after the divorce.

The same sister who finally came out and said her long-time, still-married "friend" had moved in with her this summer - she has been having an affair with him since the early 90's. It was long-suspected but ignored, for the most part (he wasn't showing up at family holidays, was always referred to as a friend, etc., but everyone knew he was married while he spent lots of time with SIL). X never, ever liked or trusted the man because of it.
At one point, she told me she didn't understand what her brother had done, felt terrible, didn't like the other woman (remember, his family has known her as a "neighbor/friend of our family" for years), hoped he would wake up, etc.
Now, she goes to visit them regularly. What a surprise.
At least they have each other to commiserate with, right?

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Donna,

As I read the last few posts here, I hear some strength in you that must be reflective of the struggles you have been through. Sorry your x is in la la land, and that he is with such a low life person. I know you hate that for your kids...

My x is dating a guy that seems pretty decent. The problem with that is that you then have to wonder.....is he really that much better than me, or is she on the rebound, or have they just not been together long enough to have any real problems....still in the honeymoon stage.....

Anyway, in the end, being the LBS is the more honorable place to be...tho in our society it seems that the one who gets 'dumped' seems to be thought less of....at least it seems that way to me.


Me 47, W 32,D 6,
Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7
Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09

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Sounding good Donna... And, perhaps as a teacher, given the info about her high school years, that might be a route to compassion, you never know.


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