What if you had more daily routines, like DQ's morning caress/make-out ritual with Mr. DQ? No matter what day it is, it would be a common thread that would tie all the days together.
I'm sorry, Baggy, if it is frustrating to you that I'm pushing on this.
I think that any sensitivity around a girl's period should be logistical only (if she doesn't want V contact because it's a mess or painful, that's OK). But, there is no reason to stop kissing and caressing or at least just snuggling. If she complains of cramps, say you're sorry to hear that and offer to bring her Advil and water.
A girl can be crabby and crampy without her period, too. You can't always predict just based on her cycle. Also, there are lighter days in a period that are much easier on a woman. So, why try to predict at all? Let her tell you "no".
Sounds like she does hide behind it, because I don't buy that she isn't touchy *at all* during her P *because of cramps and irritability*. I hope you're not talking about basic hugging, snuggling, and kissing, too? That would sound a bit far fetched to me.
Sounds like she does hide behind it, because I don't buy that she isn't touchy *at all* during her P *because of cramps and irritability*. I hope you're not talking about basic hugging, snuggling, and kissing, too? That would sound a bit far fetched to me.
I think you have to keep in mind our history with regard to her P time of the month (that I sketched above) and also keep in mind that she is coming from a natural inclination to be non-touchy, and non-sexual (from her abuse history). She has bravely embarked on a path with me to become -more- touch oriented and -more- sexual, but it's still in the early stages, really, and still feels very contrived to her at times. She has to -make- herself come to me and show physical affection for me: the natural 'tickle' to do so just isn't there.
So during this 'time of the month,' where there is a history of her being defensive and me being grumpy, and since, in her mind, she -is- sexually unavailable during that time frame, it makes sense that she would also withdraw (without even thinking about it) from even day-to-day, non-sexual affection and touching.
I have pointed out to her that non-sexual affection and touching is even -more- important to me if she is going to continue putting up the sexual 'shield' during her P. I have also reminded her that I am more than welcome to trying the myriad of other potential activities outside of vaginal intercourse, if she wanted to give it a try. Heck, back in my young adult days, one of my wildest and most enjoyable sexual relationships was with a "good Catholic girl" who made vaginal intercourse completely off-limits, but the two of us did pretty much everything -else- under the sun, with enthusiasm.
One step at a time, however...
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Hey, Baggy, been off awhile, vacation & other stuff so I'm just catching up. Backing up a couple weeks: She sleeps w/panties on?!?!?!?! Wow. Since the last kid moved out in '92 neither of us do. Even then, we could always keep a robe handy. That warm skin-to-skin spooning always feels so good even if it doesn't lead to ML.
There's a flip side to the P thing. I used to hide it from my H as much as I could since he wasn't hi-frequency & I didn't want to give him a reason not to ML for more days than necessary. What a contrast!
Back to you, LG, I might have asked before, but how well does your H sleep? A man's body makes the big T during sleep at night. Lots of snoring, possible apnea, less than 7 or 8 hours sleeping straight thru can cause a decline.
I also envy your O's during penetration. Any excess activity on my part tends to cause PE. It always was a problem w/ex H. Not much chance to "practice" that technique. Even tho he's read TNMS (at least he says he did) he still kinda thinks it should be easier to do that (and, unfortunately, quicker). He is learning, tho that if the big E wilts, its fun to get it back and enjoy ML longer. Now to get him into touching, teasing earlier in the day, giving clear signals since he still doesn't seem to get that it takes time to get turned on & total silence doesn't work for me.
L8R, guys, J
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
"because I don't buy that she isn't touchy *at all* during her P *because of cramps and irritability*. I hope you're not talking about basic hugging, snuggling, and kissing, too? That would sound a bit far fetched to me."
Not far fetched at all IMO. In fact I'd wager that if a survey was done more women would answer they prefer to be left alone sexually/physically during this time than want to be touched.
Jayce: H does snore a lot, and think he assumed that he had sleep apnea. He used to sleep on a "ramp of life" that he made out of pillows because he thought he might stop breathing in the night. He definitely needs better sleep.
The problem with low T is that you can't just spike the levels through diet, exercise, and sleep alone. That barely scratches the surface. Replacement therapy is the most effective approach, but H is worried about roid rage and growing boobs.
It's great that you've made progress in getting your H to try to get his E back. Once H's is gone, he is too disappointed to get in a productive headspace. I'm going to try to talk to him about that so he can try a different reaction next time it happens.
H swooped in with a bottle of wine last night, grabbed me and kissed me, held my hands and locked eyes with me for a couple of seconds.
I've been reading "The New Male Sexuality" (thanks, Baggy - excellent so far), and I mentioned how these books are making me think really hard about raising our son. We had great conversation about this and about what H's dad was like growing up (distant, absent, both parents were more loving when they were little but as soon as they hit their teen years, they detached and seemed to not know how to handle it, no hugging or touching past pre-adolescence for any of them...)
Watched "Millionaire Matchmaker". He doesn't rant about this show anymore and seems to enjoy it lately, taking it lightly. I gotta say, sometimes the matchmaker makes some darn good statements. Last week, she had a Nice Guy type on, and she was talking about he needs to man up and lead. As a matchmaker, her strategy was to fix him up with a sweet, meek girl so that he could feel more comfortable letting his manly man out. I digress...
Made sweet love with lots of looking into each other's eyes.
This morning, H was checking to make sure I was wearing my rings (I don't wear them around the house because they are delicate and not baby-wrangling-friendly) before I go out to meet up with another mom from my mommy group. Not surprisingly, there's something about him making sure I'm "tagged" that I like.
Passionate kiss, and H is off to work.
I wish I didn't feel a tad insecure that this progress will be fleeting. Trying to enjoy each moment for what it is and not think too much.
I very much hope it continues for you Lucky. All I can offer is keep communicating.
I'm pretty jealous. My relationship has improved a lot emotionally the last few months but our physical relationship is still the way it has been the last couple years. Once, maybe twice a month and just standard basic missionary only.
This communication about sex thing is one of the areas I feel confused about. I read here about how you ladies try to communicate your wants and needs and many times that helps. It seems the opposite for me and I think maybe for a good portion of men. Ask / talk about sex with your wife and it is usually a bad thing - it is looked at as complaining, begging, whining, bashing, etc....
Lucky...NO WAY that this progress is fleeting! Isn't this the second week in a row that he's initiated WEEKDAY SEX, when at one point not that long ago, you felt that weekday sex would be just a pipe dream?!?
Its normal for you to fear it is a fleeting thing, but I really don't think it is. I think that whatever his issues really are (fear of intimacy, etc) are finally coming to the forefront of his mind, and as he navigates through them (at your urging and insistence) he's finding that they really aren't all that scary after all, that he loves having a happy wife, and that hey! He's getting more and more sex out of it, which he actually ENJOYS now that he's getting into the groove of it!
The more sex you have, the more you want...or at least that is true for a lot of us....and supposedly that is even true for LD people, too, which is why some psych docs suggest that they "just do it" for 30 days in a row and things like that...they will soon find that their body is more and more happy to do it more often!
Plus, doesn't more sex for men actually cause their testosterone levels to rise on its own? I think I read that somewhere??
I'm so happy for you...and that part about making sure you're wearing your rings, well, you know what that "really" means...to a woman, stuff like that makes you swoon....I'm swooning just reading about your evening!
I gotta suspect that Schnarch is having some effect. He got his copy about a week ago. The eye contact stuff was new and unexpected - classic Schnarch.
Also, he never brought home wine on a random night before. We usually drink on weekends only. He came in, kissed me, immediately opened it and poured two glasses without offering, handed me one and clinked his glass against mine. Don't know where the heck that came from, but it was unexpected and fun.
So, Stillhope and Cinco and other guys who are looking for tips... Try something random and unexpected. Something you've never done before. FUN and refreshing -- not the same old husband. Keep pushing your situations out of the comfort zone!
Thanks to everyone who has helped me and my H get to this stage. I am over the moon!
