Ouch! You are so right - any changes or GAL that focuses on what H would like to see are superficial and won't last. Gotta GAL for me, and to be a positive role model for my kiddos.
My mantra today - dropping the rope! Thx. On that note, heading to the Y.
And thank GOD he'll be off the phone bill. Decrease the interactions until you are more content and centered, do some "exercises" about turning it over to God, and letting GOD Keep it too...don't take it back from Him.
This is hard for you to "get" but honestly, you must. This is NOT ABOUT HIM...IT IS NOT ABOUT OW....IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU AND GOD & YOU AND GAL AND YOUR KIDS AND THEIR R'S WITH GOD, AND YOU GAL....
GAL is not about him at ALL....none of this is about your h anymore....it is ALL about you and your life and how you choose to live it. Be the author of your life. If your life were a book, who is writing yours? How is it going? How will the next chapter(s) go? Life is short, tomorrow is promised to no one. Don't let someone else write YOUR life's book. They won't write it for you...it'll be left blank while they stumble through their own. BE THE AUTHOR OF YOUR LIFE AND WRITE IT THE WAY YOU WANT IT TO BE AND GO... for now, there is a chance he'll never come back and therefore the sooner you move on the better. BUT there is also the chance that he might come back but guess what? YOUR behavioral choices are the same either way b/c the only possible likely way to "win" him back IF that is what's right for you, is by acting as if he is NOT coming back and you have to GAL so you can bring something to the table other than your neediness....make sense?
You are stronger than you know.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Very good idea. I had one and it helps to give you a visual of your progress. And yes the changes have to be for you and for real. If / when he decides to return /reconcile? You will need to be that New and Improved Woman. Reconciling is no walk in the park.
You are getting fabulous advice here. I also love that you are open to all the advice. Being open will help get results. I am "terrible" at explaining how to get from point a to z ... but these ladies know their stuff.
When I started my journal and would put where I wanted to be in a month or a week? I thought I was better off hoping for Miracles... he would never say he loved me ,,, he would never kiss me again.... he would never drop the OW stop dreaming.... be realistic. Wrong~!~ as things started to turn around and I became stronger ? My goals were reached and I would even put the word Miracle in my thread title.
Anyway ,,, take care and keep posting. I told you the people here were fabulous. God bless, Ali
Thank you all so much for the encouragement. It is helping me get my head straight. It can't be about H anymore... that's giving him control, and I really don't want to be needy or weak. I know I am a strong woman and darn cute! and I'm going to be just fine.
Really enjoyed the paragraph, J, about being the author of my life and how do I want to write the next chapter. I AM in control of how that chapter goes, aren't I, and I'm determined now! I will take back my life, to the tune of Aretha's R-E-S-P-E-C-T or maybe the ROCKY soundtrack?!, and be the best me I can be.
So, today was a GOOD day. I ran at the Y. I worked hard all day and didn't obsess or check my cell phone, etc. Drove home in a blizzard (Colorado, y'know!) but home safe and working on my journal now. Tomorrow I will make it another good day! Thx again, to all.
And I don't care how gimmicky it is, or whatever, but my IPOD became my best friend in all this. I had a playlist of forgiveness exercises to calm me down (kids cannot hear it!!) before a call or contact (or nightmare), also The Power of Now read by the author --almost hypnotic so don't listen while driving....and RESPECT was ON MY "MOVING ON GAL" playlist, I swear! So is "I'm leaving you", A lot of Kelly Clarkson, "I will Survive" Linda Ronstadt (the HAPPY SONGS of hers)....and all the cliched ones that helped us in high school and college get back in touch with the woman within.
Also used it for physical exercise and hey, do what works.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think I'll work up a MOVING ON GAL mix of my own and include some of those. Great thought!
Had another good day. If I can keep stringing these together, I might be on to something! Kids are home tonight. No conversation about H. Just a nice, normal evening!
H took a little more cash than expected for the week, but I prayed about it and decided it wasn't worth making the call or text. I think it's best at this point to not contact H and keep giving him his space. Once he moves his check out of our joint account next week, it should be a non-issue anyway.
Back slid tonight I think... appears H came by the house while I was at work. Just a few things out of place, dress shoes missing and used the iron. H hates to dress up so, of course, my mind goes rt away to OW - hot date?
I haven't brought it up because if I'm GAL and not working on the R, then I wouldn't care what he's doing tonight, right? Think I need to stay busy and not worry about what it could mean b/c it probably means nothing. I'm just owning up to the fact that my mind starting going and I need to just knock it off. I'm going to my sis' to watch a chick flick which should help distract me.
During a future talk with H, maybe we need to talk about boundaries for stopping by, but really, I want him back home period so it probably shouldn't matter when he comes by.
You will have some backslides....unless you are perfect and if so then we want you to write the book!
The main obstacle to overcome is being obsessed with every thing he does and says and if it has a connection with the OW. If you can learn to let that run off your back......then you are a winner! No doubt about that. But, sweetie, it is HARD! However, I do not believe it is impossible. It takes a lot of hard determination to not allow yourself to have that pity-party and start evaluating every word and deed. Don't start playing the question & wondering games or it will drive you insane.
The best way to overcome this is by you getting more and more involved in your own GAL. That means getting spruced up yourself, sweetie! Get the heck out of that house! Doll up and go somewhere. You have go to feel like a million bucks while going through this crap with him. If you don't think you are worth a million bucks....then how will you make him believe it? So, there is your starting place. To take a chance at getting clobbered here (as if I never have...lol) you almost have to be to the point of thinking you are being selfish. We women are givers to the point that we start letting ourselves go b/c we are giving to our kids and our H. So, now it is your turn. As somebody has said......it no longer is about him or the OW....it is all about YOU now!! So, get out there baby and get moving in a life that you can enjoy. That doesn't mean to ignore your children and wonder if child protective services will come get them.....don't go into a MLC here....lol. But, I think you know what I am saying. Stop staying in that house so much, and arrange to have your free time for yourself. May feel very strange at first, but your deserve it and actually, it is a must at this point in your life.
Take good care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Great advice about staying out the house. Too much time to think when I'm alone. Ran this morning to my new iPod mix - awesome! It ends with Bon Jovi's "It's My Life"!!
? about bills - got a call from my BF who's H works with my H. H took advance on next check, which is supposed to be the 1st one going to his new ckg acct for his portion of the bills, cc pymts, etc. BF was upset with his behavior, but I think I did a good job not obsessing.. his $, his choices.
Told BF all I can do is work on being the best me possible, and maybe he'll decide he'd like to be friends or more sometime later. Until then, can't worry about what he's spending $ on (but what is he spending $ on?!, haha!) or who he's with. Just take care of myself.
But, here's the ?, if he doesn't follow thru on paying the bills as we separated them 2 wks ago, I don't think there's anything legally to do - we'd both still be responsible for the debt incurred up until a D, right? I think I can and should close any accounts I can now. But not much else to do, right?
