Like I said before, things have been going great, we ml last night. And she is as friendly and engaging to me than she has been in some time. When she laid the bomb on me in the first of January, she gave me the ilybnilwy deal and said that she cannot control her feelings and blah blah blah.
Well her actions very much tell me that she does love me, our relationship seems to get stronger and stronger, but she still has not tole me that she loves me. I thought I would tell her that I love her last night when things really were heating up in bed, but I got no response, at least verbally. She will reciprocate ily occasionally when I say it first, but I try not to, bc I do not want to pressure her.
Any suggestions?
Also, ladies, I have accepted the fact that I am not the best lover in the world, eventhough I really thought I was up until January, do you all have any suggestions to knock her socks off.
I don't know too much about your history, but I'm reading with interest.
Have you read Passionate Marriage? It could provide a wealth of clues to help you navigate your situation.
Have you had any counseling or sex therapy with your W?
Though you're probably after more practical advice, my suggestion to knock her socks off is to be sure that you are loving toward her in and out of the bedroom and that you work on truly connecting with her during ML. Schnarch's idea of looking into each other's eyes to detect if there are walls may be an idea to try. I would strongly suggest reading that portion of his book before trying it so that you understand the complexities of it.
With regard to practical ideas: -Self care is important. Do good things for yourself (caring for yourself through exercise, grooming, dress). -Maybe you can plan a date that might fall within her interests (eg, if she enjoys art, take her to a special exhibit and then to a romantic dinner). Don't tell her that you're thinking of planning a date to X in search of her validating your plan. Just take charge and do it, even if you're worried that she might not like the idea. (She will LOVE that you took charge, even if the destination isn't her favorite.) Tell her that you're taking her to X on Saturday -- be ready! (Please make sure the details like arranging reservations, getting tickets, and figuring out transportation are taken care of in advance WITHOUT burdening her with the details and asking her preferences.)
A man shouldn't be expected to be a great lover off the bat. And, every woman's idea of a great lover is not the same. You need to find out what your W's sex life of her dreams is so that you have a clue of how to get there.
Hmmm. That last sentiment leads me to an idea for a new thread.
Thanks, I will pick up the book pronto. I am a poster child for db. It really works for me and I will continue to better myself to make me more attractive to her.
She has been in IC and recently (last monday) invited me in to her IC to turn it into a MC. We have another appointment in two weeks, as my wife suggested.
Thank you for the advice for a night out, I am always asking her what she wants to do, and she always asks back and then I say I dont care whatever you want to do, because I truly do want to do what she wants to do, but it does sound very week now that you mention to take charge.
I do not know if she knows what she wants in the bedroom, I think she thinks I should know, and after 20 years you would think I would. But, like last night I asked, if there is anything I could do different let me know I will do it, and she just said I know and patted me on the head as if to say I know you are trying but boy you are just lame.
Last night I got the almond oil out because she wanted a massage because she works as an interior artist and her back was hurting. When I got it, she had already stripped completely naked and was laying on a pillow on the bed. I thought yee haw because I know after about 20 minutes she is ready to kick it up to something sexual. I then see that she has her little buzzer as we call it and she uses it with me. We both climax at about the same time while i am on top of her and she is on her stomach.
I don;t know I just don't know if I should turn her over, rip the buzzer out of her hand, i am now just talking out loud, I will stop now.
YES - rip the buzzer out of her hand. Even if it's the *wrong* move or not what she wanted or had in mind, do it do it do it. Make a move, so she can react, so you can learn what she wants. If you always ask first or stay paralyzed in fear of making the wrong move, you'll never give her what she wants and you'll never get what you want.
She doesn't know how to talk to you about this. The pat on the head is an indication that she thinks you are a really sweet guy but she needs a pirate/caveman in the bedroom.
She probably feels that telling you how she wants it is just leading you along so you don't have to initiate and be brave. Turn off.
Her laying naked for her massage with the buzzer. That is HER initiating. You might have secretly hoped that the massage would lead to something without you having to blatantly initiate. Don't use massage as a sneaky way of trying to initiate. She knows that, by the way, and it's not doing it for her.
Burt - Initiate and be brave. If at any given moment you have an idea that you want to grab her, grab her. Even if it isn't the right moment for her, she'll LOVE that you found your manly man.
In my perspective, a man who can initiate blatantly, with confidence, is a huge turn on.
You need to do this without a cue like almond oil or music (the cue that my sister's exBF used to use). Cues make a girl roll her eyes. "Oh boy, I guess he's putting his pinky toe in the water. My hero."
I'm just realizing that I'm as afraid to hurt you as I am afraid to hurt my H. This exchange is important to me, too.
Thanks LG, it is really hard for me. We are so soon in the process of repairing the R, I don't want to make the wrong move. I do not know if you have read any of my history but in the past a main reason she wanted out of the M is because she thought I treated her like a sex slave, she is still emotionally dealing with that as she teared up in our c session together talking about it. I would have a scedule and if she didn't keep it I would be a bitch to be around the following day. All this but she never said a word about it, and it lead to the walk away. Again, I am 90 days into this, but I am considering, making a move like you are suggesting by just taking her ripping her clothes off and having my way with her.
The other thing is that I (not bragging believe me) is that I am rather large down there, and without proper stimulation or proper lube, it can be uncomfortable for her for a minute or two.
The schedule and the importance of it being kept... I've had some suggest that I consider a schedule or minimum # of times per week. This seems so "anti passionate." And, strict adherence to the schedule is ever less passionate. It seems like a contract of sorts, or an IOU, and it gives the HD person power. That's not hot. AND: A schedule is a CUE, by the way. [insert eye roll] "Oh boy, it's Tuesday. He's expecting sex and he doesn't have to brave any random day with me."
Maybe you shouldn't "rip her clothes off" at this time. I do think you should grab her and kiss her confidently when you want to initiate, let her reject you if she's not ready, and CONTROL YOUR REACTION so that she feels safe (that is, she feels in control of what she does and is done to her body, and she doesn't have to do something she doesn't want to to avoid suffering in another way). She wants to please you, which is why your reaction to her not keeping up with the schedule made her feel like a slave.
React with beauty to her resistance and to her genuine feelings. If she rejects your bold, manly initiation, be kind, keep smiling, be OK, hug her, and back off. And try again maybe a day or two later. It IS OK for your lover to not want to ML at any given moment. It IS OK for you to want her to accept your advances sometimes too. She needs you to lead, and she needs to feel that you want her because you want HER, not just sex.
Sorry - Forgot to respond to your last post, too. I think with love, patience, a whole lotta foreplay and good lube (I'm talking good, not KY - "Slippery Stuff" was a good old favorite that never dries out and is tasteless. Not sure if they've come out with anything newer and better since I discovered that years ago), you can work through the size issue.
I understand why she might not want penetration every time, especially if it is painful. But, if I were her, I'd prefer that you initiate and let me tell you if it's not the right time.
Recognize the orange cones (like the size issue), identify the solution, and then look beyond it. Don't let that stuff turn into a wall of fear.
Man, I give advice by trying to relate to the situation and if I walked in on my naked wife using a "buzzer" on herself, I don't know if I would make it to ml because I would still be on my knees thanking god for my blessings...
Seriously dburt, I think you are doing awesome and just keep moving forward. Don't let greatness be lost in your quest for perfection (even though we all do it from time to time).
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
